Conflicted Feelings About Confusing Shit

Christmas is almost here. And I don’t mean that fucking bullshit holiday where I spent a million dollars on gifts and hear my kids say, “Is that all?” on a Christmas morning that is witness to a thudding headache and dry mouth – because the holiday season calls for bourble.

Nope, it’s the NFL season. And as a wise old man, I approach this holiday with a combination of dread and excitement – because I’m morally conflicted. (How about that term, fellow DFOers? Looks like the Kid has more up his sleeve than a tattoo proclaiming his love for the Misfits.) Doubt me again, you fuckers, and I will staple your sac to your thigh.

 

I enjoy football, I sure as God do. You all know I’m a Ravens fan – insert Flacco elite joke here, I’m too tired – and lately the team has seen its share of ups and downs. I think Harbaugh is on notice here if they lay another turd of a season.

Although to say last year was plagued by injuries is like saying the Kardashians are kind of annoying. (They aren’t. I would like to cover each of them with used tampons and panty shields, and throw them into an arena packed with slavering, rabid pit bulls. I have Michael Vick’s people thinking hard about this one – possibly buying movie rights. Stay fucking tuned.)

 

Here’s the predicament, and it’s no doubt been hashed to atoms on this site, how can I enjoy something that is shot through with controversy, cheating, and what appears to be lifelong damage to its participants?

 

Honestly, it’s getting harder every year. In my eyes it’s a question of “If you love the art, is it wrong to hate the artist?” I haven’t come up with an answer that doesn’t cause my stomach to churn and burn – like Peter King’s after he scarfs down a lardacchino on the quiet car and someone happens to rustle papers too loud.

 

Football is a beautiful sport; it combines grace with violence. If it me getting hit out there, my ribs would blow out through my back and make a tasty treat for a roving, half crazed Rosie O’Donnell. That bloated bag of pig shit would gnaw on my bones without even coating them with a decent rib sauce.

 

Concussions, money crazed owners, athletes who beat their wives and children, or get drunk and fuck shit up – how can I readily cheer them on?

 

The Ray Rice situation hit home because I’m a Ravens fan, and I met him at a store event. He told my sons that he would sign their stuff in the parking lot because he couldn’t sign anything in the store. Ray was kind, gracious, down to earth – and later I had to explain to my sons that if they ever hit a woman, I’d pound them flat with a Komperdell Avalanche Carbon Shovel. It’s light but tough and can dent a skull with no problem.

 

Let’s also talk about the fact that going to a game – I have season tickets – is an expensive hassle. Returning home in full bourble doesn’t sit well with the wife and kids. Getting to the game, watching drunks fight, avoiding piles of puke in the men’s room – and I’m paying for this? I am a dumb fuck.

 

Still, I watch as many games as I can with my sons. The oldest is a stats nerd who won $300 in a fantasy football league that I’m in – I came in last. The other plays football, and I point out certain moves and players to him. Is that bad parenting? I’m seriously drawn over that question. Sure, I want him to enjoy a sport, and get better at it, but are these the role models I want him to follow?

What’s the answer? Fucked if I know. I can say that each year, justifying my love for this game becomes harder. Then I log onto DFO and realize that a huge part of why I like the game is because I have something in common with my fellow humans. It’s a bonding experience, both online and in the real world, that soothes my blackened soul, and makes life bearable.

 

So there you have it, a post that doesn’t solve the initial question. My first journalism teacher would be disappointed, but not surprised.

 

I’ll see you all on DFO, and we can trade dick jokes and saucy pictures, and wish death on Patriots fans, but after a Sunday of football, I’ll still feel somewhat guilty. This is the year that my plan to pour hydrochloric acid down Cris Collinsworth’s pants comes to fruition. I can feel it.

Later, bitches.

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Unsurprised

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Luckless Pedestrian

I am not an active participant in this or any other forum. Formerly I read KSK and followed you reprobate alcoholic lawyers to DFO just because occasionally you make me laugh. Thank you for that.

I never played football due to being a skinny, weak computer nerd type. I attended 12 different schools before graduating from high school and in every school I was a victim of the local bullies. Every one of these bullies was a football player. The football players got all the glory and all the pussy while I got none.

I’ve been watching the NFL since Superb Owl III (Broadway Joe’s finest hour) and I greatly enjoy watching these idiots bashing their brains in. They weren’t using those brains anyway. The discovery of CTE has only enhanced my enjoyment of football.

The original poster may have conflicted feelings but I don’t. Yay football!

JerBear50

“I got bullied in high school so hooray for brain damage.” That’s what you came out of hiding for?

Unsurprised

At least I’m not cheerleading for war. I hate to go all the way to the extreme, but since that’s actually our biggest pastime as Americans, it’s worth using for comparison. And I do mean cheerleading. Not just in the way that it was used as a means to sell wars like was straight-up admitted to by a former Fox News “talent” but the general idea of it all and how America is still this petulant child who hasn’t grown up to realize that might doesn’t make right. And it is exacerbated across the political spectrum by the majority of people, and especially those with financial interests in war, engaging in a nonstop orgy of glorification.

HOT TAEK INCOMING

I admire the Republicans’ insistence on defunding or not funding the VA adequately. Because the VA shouldn’t be adequate. The VA shouldn’t exist. It exists now for one reason: To sell military service to stupid kids who don’t know any better. And I’m not saying they’re stupid to enlist, I’m saying they’re stupid because they are kids. The same with the kids on Last Chance U playing junior college football so that they can get into or back into a D-1 program where they “belong” and get a shot at the NFL and glory. They’re good guys. They love football. It’s been bashed into their heads harder than the aggregate of all the shots they’ll take. But they’re young and ignorant and that makes them stupid. But there’s a whole world around them that does know better, and pushes them when they’re young to start in Pop Warner and continue on through a pipeline, and is abetted at every stage by incompetent or indifferent or malicious family and friends and teachers and coaches and community. It’s a smaller version of this militaristic cult that we have formed to glorify kicking ass and winning at any cost. So we dismiss their failings until we can’t any longer.

Ray Lewis isn’t the problem. Ray Lewis is a failure of the criminal justice system. I don’t think he should have been punished by the NFL. I don’t think any off-field activity that doesn’t actually affect the game should be regulated by the NFL. But the NFL has become a stand-in for us, and it now serves as the head of the microcosm of this larger body of the American public wanting blood for the blood gods and doing anything it can to make that possible.

So I will continue to be upset when the men in suits do shitty things like conceal patterns of criminal conduct in order to protect their businesses, but that’s because I already do that for those instances that occur everywhere. But I am also perfectly willing to watch them and these outside forces raise boys and mold them to be entertainment, because football is far and away the lesser of two evils. Or rather, it’s a demon serving the much more powerful princes of Hell that I am actually concerned about and would like to see smote from the Earth.

Unsurprised

I’m at peak self-loathing after just having eaten an entire large meat pizza (Sadly, the last time I ate an entire large pizza wasn’t even a year ago, but I thought I’d gotten better at this shit), but I feel like the more I think about it the more I’m just here for the gifs and dick jokes anyway. I’m kind of onboard with the Seahawks, but at the same time Fuck Pete Carroll. And I liked the Panthers and Cam Newton last year because Fuck Sports Writers and Old White Men. So whatever.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As an old (older than I’d like, at least)) white man, I approve this message.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

I meant Ray Rice, not Ray Lewis. But Jesus Christ, if they couldn’t get Ray Lewis then the justice system really is fucked.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So the most interesting thing that has happened so far at jury duty is that I’m in the building where the real-life Armen Tamzarian is a judge.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ten bucks in it for you if you stand up and start yelling “FRY THOSE FUCKERS!!!!!”
Bonus….probably gets you out of jury duty easy peasy.
/might require a 72 hour psych hold……but drugs

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Armen Tamzarian …. with that name HE WILL DESPENSE JUSTICE!

Spanky Datass

On a positive note, I just heard my first ever radio interview with Alfred Morris (RB, DAL). He seems like a cool dude that has his shit together.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/98c708527ba65b858ad68a8b1b2b3314/tumblr_ninaanjieR1qm0hswo1_500.jpg
Cheers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

He’s got nice tits, too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those look more like Eddy Lacey’s tits.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He seems like a cool dude that has his shit together.

Yeah, but you can’t just stop there. You gotta take it down to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

– Najeh Davenport

Spanky Datass

Well the Cowboys are a shit-show so maybe the national exposure will add value to Alfred’s shit when he opts to sell.

...

Threadjack: The comments in today’s WYTS (about the Ravens) once again contained a long thread of Bears fans commenting on the Bears.

Have my orange and navy clad people always been this fucking bad? Because if you had to ask me why my team sucks, I’d just point to them elbowing the fans out other shittier teams out of the way to say, “BUT WHEN DO WE GET TO SAY HOW MUCH WE SUCK?!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bears fans can learn a lot from Eagles fans when it comes to self-loathing.

https://www.reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/4scmwt/rnfl_roast_of_the_philadelphia_eagles_932/?sort=top

blaxabbath

Meh. Just because enjoying the NFL is more of an secondary elective sin doesn’t mean I’m going to lose any sleep over it. My clothes are made by children in foreign sweatshops. My IRA includes investments in predatory lenders, big time polluters, and pretty much every player in the bombing-kids-and-weddings-in-the-middle-east supply chain. I spend my dollars at places that don’t pay their workers a living wage (though they could). I waste fossil fuels and other natural resources because I’m not going to put on a sweater in the winter or drink a glass of water in which a bug had landed. I drive right by every single beggar on my way to/from work. I’ve been disingenuous with women in order to get them to put out. I pay a premium for the produce I eat because it covers the losses on ugly produce that is left to spoil because stores don’t want to stock anything less than visually appealing. I ignore GoFundMe pages that I could afford to throw a few hundred at because, hey, my #1 focus is retiring as early and as comfortably as possible. I once used the term ‘Jewed’ to describe negotiating for a lower price. I “love” animals but factory-farmed products make up ~98% of my non-gmo diet. I’m pretty sure my fiancee got a blood diamond (the process was bad enough that I didn’t want to jinx reaching the end by asking from where the stone came). Hell – it look like I’m gonna vote Trump just because I’m curious to see what will happen.

Taking a stance by not watching football? That’s just slacktivism.

#Kony2012

Unsurprised

Scratching blaxx off the list of people to invite to my GoFundMe …

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Assuming you are kidding; meh.

Assuming you are not kidding; a vote for Trump is idiotic if you truly are “my #1 focus is retiring as early and as comfortably as possible.” and IRA invested.

ballsofsteelandfury

This.

Chaos ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m belatedly adding in the “Roger Goodell is a National Disgrace” tag. Seems apt here.

Sharkbait

It should go on all posts. Even the CFL beat.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The sport will go on, at least for a while, whether I am conflicted or not. I love the sport from way back… WAY back. With what else is going on in the world it is one of the few things I can still enjoy ……on the field. The off the field things are just depressing, but I need look no further than the political climate to view it as rather cheery. During this fucking election cycle I will count on the NFL (and gif-age) as much as ever.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Don T

**UNPOPULAR TAEKS ALERT**

Domestic abuse, violent crime, and heinous fuckheadedness are, I think, individual and societal problems—not just NFL problems. (And considering the thousands of players on roster and practice squads each year, some enterprising rationalizer might prove that the NFL is the “cleanest” of all major U.S. sport leagues.) And yet, recently the NFL has showed to be much more unforgiving with The Ben and Rice than the DAs (you know, District Attorneys, the people who have the monopoly of processing alleged criminals). Yeah, the NFL is a cartel of 32 that runs on greed and cravenness—but hey, they actually punished criminal activity despite The Man pushing it under the carpet. If you wanna complain about capitalism and the legal system, I say: “Hi! I’m a choir of one. Preach away”.

As to the concussion, health care, and pension issues—yah, that’s a tough one to stomach. I think Ape hit it on the head in Maestro’s Q&A: treating players as expendable bodies SHOULD make fans uncomfortable. I do feel that way, because the NFL has been a lying, coverup, Toradol-dispensing enterprise that rakes in ever more money. And yet, players are the ones who decide to put their bodies on the line. In the end, I can’t reconcile feeling guilty for young men taking risks (risks they know much better than I), about their own bodies and lives (not mine), because it smacks of condescension. I do respect the hell outta the players, and it takes a special kind of egregious assholery to judge negatively those who retire early or take time off because they refuse to play the Unguaranteed Contract Game.

Kungjitsu

The things you listed are symptoms. The problem is the NFL’s hypocrisy and lying when the truth will do. Lying about the Head’s Up program. Charging the military “ad space”. All the pink bullshit to show their “support for women”.

Kungjitsu

The NFL can never see past the short term dollar. That’s why Goodell ALWAYS looks like a clown. As opposed to the NBA right now, who actually takes positions on controversial issues, looking at the long term. I don’t necessarily think the NBA is run by better people, they just seem to have a modicum of self-awareness. That’s why no one ever thinks Adam Silver is a fucking moron.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Never might too strong a word.
But yeah, he’s not the fucktard Goodell is for sure.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The NFL commissioner is solely working in the interest of the ownership and pays lip service to any other issues.

*Will take lip service and Pinktober in their alternate meanings.

Don T

It’s greed. Well, I wouldn’t discard Goodell etc. actually enjoying the lying and hypocrisy part, but the end is indisputable: money.
I will fork dough for Sunday Ticket, and that would be it for me this season as far as NFL official crap.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not controversial; I am close to what you said here. I guess if you were a Stanford swimmer you’d get a no games suspension.

Don T

Well I am white… ish.

/Heard 30something times in the US “Are you Italian?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry; *I guess if one was a Stanford swimmer they’d get a no games suspension.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The criminal behavior is a little less than the national average when adjusted for demographics (location, age, etc.). I can’t find the source right now, but it compared all the major sports.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It was the second one I was thinking of. Thank you.

Kungjitsu

My love for football (the actual game) died about five years ago, and it had been suffering from colon cancer for a long time. The owners/colleges are caricatures of Dickensian villains. The players are the stupidest of professional athletes (Yes, that includes baseball players). Right now I can’t think of a single likeable figure in football. Seriously, is there a current great NFL player who doesn’t come off as an asshole if he has to speak for more than five minutes? Most of them take much less than that.

On top of that, the game has been watered down and for good reason. But it’s not as fun to watch. The Redzone has also made it less fun for me to watch. It’s made me realize how much nothing makes up the bulk of a football game. The ball is actually in play for about 17 minutes of the 3 1/2 hours a game takes to play. That 17 minutes includes fair caught punts, kneel downs, and plays that are negated for stupid penalties. OBJ does something that’s not humanly possible, but it doesn’t count because the RT was two inches behind where the 70 year old line judge arbitrarily decided the line of scrimmage was from 30 yards away. 85% of a football game is geriatrics deciding where to put the ball on the ground and explaining why they put the ball there.

All I care about now is watching this fucker burn. I was sad that Tawmmy didn’t appeal to the Supreme Court, not because I want him to win, but because it would have been another four months of awkwardness for The Shield. I hope someone is still digging for Peyton Manning’s smoking HGH tainted needle. I want the Panthers to go undefeated and RGIII to win the MVP and comeback player of the year. I want Jimmy Garapolo to play lights out and the Pats to go 4-0 and then Brady to stink it up so he get’s Bledsoed. I want someone to catch Drew Bledsoe at a weak moment so he gives an honest answer about Brady losing his job. I want Teddy Bridgewater to light it up so Adrian Peterson only gets like 12 carries a game. I hope the Lakers and Clippers both get off to hot starts and the Dodgers win the World Series so no one shows up to Rams games. That’s where I’m at with it.

Jesus Christ that’s a lot of hate. TL/DR: Fuck the NFL and everyone involved in it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Except for Mark Davis. I think he’s more of a caricature of a Dickensian urchin.

Sharkbait

http://nextimpulsesports.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/aaa135.jpg

Any owner with a bowl cut should be made fun of immediately

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh dear lord.
Kill it.

blaxabbath

Great player who doesn’t come off as a complete asshole.

So…..we’ll probably discover the heads of a bunch of hookers in his freezer come about Week 14.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

As long as the frozen heads don’t number over 20, I’ll still respect Luhrry.
Heck, even if he’s a few over the limit….’sall goodman.
And that’s impressive for me, considering I hate the Cards.
Murder and cannabalism I can deal with.

blaxabbath

You would not enjoy All or Nothing on Amazon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“The players are the stupidest of professional athletes” maybe your perception, but from my vantage point the collective IQ and narcissism of spoiled jocks is nearly the same regardless of sport.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Applies to actors, and news/sports channel commentators too.

New channel commentators are the biggest liars with a few leading the charge.

Unsurprised

You deserve this
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scotchnaut

God, I love hate SO much!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

scotchnaut

The Simpsons are the cause of, and the solution to, all internet memes.

King Hippo

Comment of the year, nay, decade! Really sums everything up so nice and tidy, eh?

I realize that my heroin-level enjoyment of greater footy (especially the NFL varietal) may be morally questionable, but I take solace in the fact that it’s surely not in the Bottom Ten of my personal shame list.

In summary…WOO? WOO!!!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“shot through with controversy, cheating, and what appears to be lifelong damage to its participants?”

You went to law school too?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Later, bitches” is your most uplifting coda to date.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I prefer “suck a dick, dumbshits” but his works too.

Spanky Datass

Anything that includes “slapdicks” has a special place in my cold heart.

Spanky Datass

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