I’m not really a big music guy but I have a friend who is really into rock and metal AND who isn’t a prick about it (that is, he doesn’t humblebrag about his fandom when claiming he’s trying to introduce me to a band) and he talked me into going to the Mayhem Festival with him a couple years back, mainly to see Children of Bodom. It was July 5th, middle of Phoenix, in, basically, a parking lot. We arrived about 1pm and A couple other takeaways before I get to the point:

(1) The first thing I noticed were how many kids (tweens & teens) wearing their metal gear being escorted by their moms. One of the bands’ merch tent was selling these like foam Hannibal Lecter masks. So there were these kids like wearing these masks and asking their mom for soda money. It did not make them look, by my definition, hard. But perhaps I’m getting out of touch.

(2) The evening headliners included Five Finger Death Punch. Two sub-points regarding FFDP (yes, I realize this is turning into my very own MMQB): first, they were selling these like fan basketball jerseys with their logo on the front and some number on the back (I don’t remember but it wasn’t 69 so who cares). Where the last name goes on the upper back, it read ‘CAPITALIST’. The irony was absolutely wasted on the people shelling out $80 for them. Second, my buddy is very chatty with other metal fans. So we’d get a soda and sit down at a table and he’d strike up a conversation with whatever old timer is there who, you can tell, just has a lifetime of metal festivals under his belt. My buddy would ask who they were there to see that day and, LITERALLY (not figuratively) every single one would give an answer something to the effect of, “Oh man, just here to see everyone. Pretty stoked about [Battlecross/Huntress/Born of Osiris, etc] but just here to see all the bands.” Then they’d pause or my buddy would be like, “oh yeah,” and they’d pop back in, “Except Five Finger Death Punch. Those guys fucking suck.” I guess we ended up running into their bassist or something. He seemed like a nice enough guy or whatever but, then again, it’s not like we were asking for his autograph or anything.

Okay, so one of the bands that come on has this sea of people in front of them, you know, and to work the crowd the leader singer yells, “Where are all my SERIAL KILLERS!!!!!???” and the crowd just erupts, including these three white young boys standing with their mom who, while they sure look like they could be young Columbines, they’re still torturing grasshoppers or whatever at their age. So then the singer dedicates the song to all the serial killers in the crowd and a fun time is had by all. That moment of interaction was my biggest takeaway from the event.

Fast-forward to last night at the GNR show (say what you want, I was 9 and didn’t have the funds to see the UYI tour and, frankly, I had a great time) and the third song is Mr Brownstone. The people around me are just going crazy singing the chorus (which is a very thinly-veiled reference to heroin use/addiction) and it made me think about all the serial killers from Mayhem because, I’m fairly sure, these yuppies did not have a history of heroin. But, of course, I get just singing along and having a good time too so, you know, whatever.

Didn’t get in bed til like 1:30a though so I’m useless at work and will be hanging around here a lot today. That’s all.