DFO Mock Draft: Presidential Write-Ins

You might have heard on the news that there’s an election happening soon for some government job on Tuesday. The two main candidates have favorability ratings somewhere in the realm of bedbugs and cockroaches. There have been things called “debates” which looked like something out of Wilmer Valderrama’s Yo Momma (yes, that was a real show) because they somehow didn’t turn into Mortal Kombat. If you want to have the off-chance of voting for a third party candidate, you could either go with the man who has no idea about foreign affairs or leaders, the doctor who is against vaccinations, or the other guy we just started hearing about a week or so ago which is enough to give him a fighting chance with the stormin’ Mormons in Utah because we haven’t heard anything about him to immediately determine he’s incompetent. (Yet.)

The short version? We’s fucked. The long version? We’s fucked, but it’s up to us, the American people, to determine which variety of fucked we are, whether a slower burn or the “fuck it, burn it all down” explodey-type version. No, Gary Johnson/Jill Stein/Evan McMullin don’t have a realistic shot; yes, we know the two-party system has problems; no, we’re not going to fix it anytime soon.

There always seems to be someone writing in Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse, though. And I think whoever those write-ins are would probably be better candidates than who we have now, so we gave it a shot with a two-round draft. Except for Horatio and DTZM who never posted a second pick. And Beerguyrob and Why Eagles Why, they got there late. And tWBS who didn’t wait his turn and took his second-rounder early. But most of us followed directions because as opposed to the candidates, we live in a nation of laws!

(Science laws too, ppl forget that.) Anyway, let’s get this started. Quotes are by the person who made the pick. First pick goes to…

Horatio: Alfred E. Neuman

236205-57083-alfred-e-neuman

 

Low Commander: Cam Newton

i

“If nothing else, because it’ll infuriate Trump supporters and Peter King alike.”

tWBS: Turd Ferguson

turdferguson

“(It’s a funny name.)”

Balls: Lrr, ruler of Omicron Perseid 8

lrrr

“Let’s face it, since the end of Single Female Lawyer, the world has needed an invasion by a tough yet fair ruler that doesn’t understand why Ross, as the biggest Friend, doesn’t simply just eat the others.”

Make it snow: Duke, the dog mayor of Cormorant, MN

f161bc-20160824-dog-mayor

“Duke has two years executive experience as mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota, and was recently elected to serve a third. He boasts one of the highest approval ratings for any American elected official, and residents report he “has done great things for the community.'”

Rikki: Mr. Burns’s heroic dog (from “Homer’s Enemy”)

514963

“THE RUN ON DOGS HAS BEGUN! He has invaluable experience in the criminal justice system, he was a success as an executive vice president, and he’s the best dog available to address our country’s growing energy concerns.”

BFC: Vermin Supreme

vermin-supreme

“He is an actual FEC-declared candidate who, not unlike Brig. Gen. Jack Ripper, believes that dental hygiene and free ponies are key campaign issues. He barely received fewer votes in the NH primary than Martin O’Malley. This amazing line from his wikipedia page summarizes where he is vis-a-vis the 2016 general election: “He was, however, not invited to return to the Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum, due in part to him glitterbombing Randall Terry at the event in 2011.”

Yeah Right: Mojo Nixon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpb4ZAAP6Z4

“Put another Nixon in the White House. At least this one isn’t a Dick.”

DTZM: Lex Luthor

jl_luthor

“I mean, it writes itself.”

Entropy: President James Marshall (Harrison Ford in Air Force One)giphy“He was, admittedly, an embattled president in a shitty, shitty movie, and yet people keep freakin’ saying he’s the kind of president they want: someone who apparently can singlehandedly fight off a terrorist invasion of a plane that is supposed to be hijack-proof (therefore, COMPLETELY incompetent), and then capable of cleaning up his own mess (therefore, the pipe dream of every inbred hick who thinks owning a rifle makes him Rambo). He’s the best of all worlds, plus, the NEEEERRRRRDDDDSS get Han Solo as President.”

Rev. Mayhem: Morgan Freeman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXjtUYOG4po

“Maybe, just maybe, the meteor would finally hit Foxboro.”

The Maestro: GRONK

0bbf88bac9ddf96ffa216204656e6073

“We already had W for 8 years – being a human with the brain of an Irish setter can’t deter them from accepting public office, clearly. Plus, I don’t see him as a warmonger – I think he’ll legalize weed, develop federal grants for hangover pills as well as EDM DJs. Other than that, he’ll have his brothers form the rest of his cabinet, and enough smart folks around elsewhere to neutralize the damage.” (Note: What is this “we” you speak of, Maestro?)

SonOfSpam: Ian Darke

blm2kpmcuaafiob

“His accent would add a touch of class to State of the Union addresses. In addition, Southerners can continue referring to the President the same way they have for the last eight years.”

Senor: Kodos250px-kodos“Don’t blame me. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others (although technically that was Kang’s promise).”

Zymm: Dorothy Parker

maxresdefault

“Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well VOTE PARKER.”

Sep: Andrew W.K.

“Party party… He likes Pizza, Ice Cream, and likes to get wet. Also has a Pizza shaped guitar.”


ROUND 2… Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Sep: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnsonthe_people__s_eyebrow_by_soulfulnobody-d5behuc“Can you smell what the Prez is cooking? THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW!”

Zymm: Hunter S. Thompson

hunter-s-thompson-2

“If there’s one person who encapsulates everything DFO stands for, it’s probably him.”

Senor: Black Mage Evilwizardington (from 8-Bit Theater)

blackmage-22805

“A bit of a reach, sure, but considering his stance is to destroy everything in existence and he slaughtered millions over the course of the comic (both accidentally and on purpose)… he still might not be the worst option for this election. And he casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down, so the military budget might get cut down a bit.”

SonOfSpam: George Michael

“He can run The Sports Machine AND get us into Club Tropicana.”

The Maestro: Philippe (from Achewood)philippe

“‘God messed up and here I am!‘ Because honestly, who wouldn’t prefer a naive and yet endlessly optimistic and adorable five-year-old otter to the collection of miscreants we currently call politicians? Plus, the store sells some pretty sharp t-shirts.”

Rev. Mayhem: Bill the Cat

4c33743c896b094c763b5cdf96c5abed

“Ack! Thbbppt!”

Entropy: Lord Vetinari (the Patrician from the Discworld series)

lord_vetinari

“(Can’t believe Zymm didn’t take this one). He is the archetype for the ‘benevolent dictator,’ who truly personifies ‘One Man, One Vote (his).’ He runs a city built on corruption, greed, pestilence, madness, and magic, and does most of his governing without anyone being sure he’s done anything at all. He routinely joins in plots against himself, just to stay sharp, and nothing happens in his city without his knowledge and/or approval. We could use this guy running our country. Also: trained assassin, resulting in lower budgets for both the Secret Service and the CIA.”

DTZM: *crickets*

Yeah Right: Neil deGrasse Tyson

neil-degrasse-tyson_0275

“Let’s try intelligence for a change.”

BFC: Leslie Knope

leslie

“Call me crazy, but I think a smart, policy-focused woman who has spent her whole life and career preparing for public office and committed to making the world a better place might be a good idea. She has seen how government works at the local and federal levels and consistently impresses even people who don’t like her at first. Someone who is going to work 24/7 to put people first and try and build bridges to build on the successes of the past eight years is exactly who I want in the Oval Office. Plus, she has experience running against an entitled, rich, dumbass with no expertise in anything whatsoever. Yes, #imwithher”

Rikki: Zaphod Beeblebrox

mark_wing-davey_as_zaphod_beeblebrox

His antics are every bit as insanely distracting as Trump’s, but he seems to be a much, much nicer person.”

Make it Snow: That dog mayor (Duke)

(Wait, did you just use the same pick twice? I mean it is a good pick but come on!)

Balls: His left testicle

(No, I’m not posting a picture of that. No, I don’t have a picture of that.)

“It hangs low below the radar until needed for action. Then, it’s dependable as the day is long. That’s what America needs!”

tWBS: George Carlin’s ghost

“Realize how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that.”

Low Commander: Randy Marsh

Horatio: *locker crickets*

And now, the supplemental rounds.

Beerguyrob: Doctor Girlfriend

“No health concerns like Hillary. Used to tiny-handed crackpots. Willing to use any measures to get her way. Loves vodka tonics.”

WhyEaglesWhy: Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzToNo7A-94

“Because with Terry in the Oval Office, you know you can’t bring that weak-ass stuff up in this humpy-bumpy we call America!”

Beerguyrob: Thornton Melon

“Self-made man. Owns a successful clothing chain which appeals to a great mass of voters. His son is friends with a young Iron Man. Diving pioneer. Reminds everyone to ‘Look out for Number One, but don’t step in Number Two!'”

WhyEaglesWhy: Magic 8 Ball

51t0dnfcfll-_sy300_

“Who better to keep our enemies at home and abroad guessing than an inanimate object impervious to outside influence? With 20 positions to randomly choose from, will the Magic 8-Ball make America great again? Signs point to yes!”


So there you have it, our crack alcohol-and-other-substances election coverage team has given you a dearth of options to vote for, but in the end, the choices are yours and yours alone (shit, if there was a Round 3 I totally would’ve taken Olmec).

Anyway, make a pick, wait a few posts/a little while, pick again. HAVE AT IT. And go vote on Tuesday.

(Also vote for our options and whoever drafted the winner won’t get paddled at the next clubhouse meeting. Or they’ll get paddled twice, whatever floats their boat.)

Real or Implants Pic 1

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
Subscribe
Notify of
22 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Brick Meathook

comment image

Brick Meathook

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s got two thumbs and waited an hour to vote for Hillary Clinton tonight?

/counts thumbs

ME!

ALXMAC

My official write-in candidate:
Joe Exotic for President! 2016!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc-_7RCFArM

ALXMAC

“He can run The Sports Machine AND get us into Club Tropicana.”

http://www.mylocalbusinessonline.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/i-dont-like-spam.gif

Cuntler

Bobby Newport. He’s like George W. Bush, but smarter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dinCqrw4xFg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello

Here’s where my vote is going:

comment image

Don T

“As we sat down and ordered our drinks I realized we were the only gringos in the place. The others were locals. They made a great deal of noise, singing and shouting with the jukebox, but they all seemed tired and depressed. It was not the rhythmic sadness of Mexican music, but the howling emptiness of a sound I have never heard anywhere but in Puerto Rico — a combination of groaning and whining, backed up by a dreary thumping and the sound of voices bogged down in despair. It was terribly sad — not the music itself, but the fact that it was the best they
could do. ” The Rum Diary
FUCK. YOU, Hunter Thompson. It’s called a bolero, you ignorant Babbit piece of self-righteous shit.

jjfozz

I will write in Deez Nuts.

Why? Well, they’ve been around for 47 years, and even though they’ve pumped out a lot of wasted product, they managed to hit the mark at least three times.

Throw in the fact that they’re used to hanging around an asshole 24 hours a day, and you’ve got a presidential candidate that might be nutty, but has the balls to rule with an iron rod.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Interesting point. Not to mention that the last hairy president we had was decent enough.

http://a2.files.biography.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,g_face,h_300,q_80,w_300/MTE5NTU2MzE2MzkwNTI0NDI3.jpg

blaxabbath

SHUT UP AND GIVE ME PALIN!

Brocky

Sorry, but she’s taken:

comment image

Brocky

@senor weaselo

If you’re going to get support for black mage, I suggest you share the best gif possible:

comment image

Also, @ rev. Mayhem: you may think you’re being clever, but I’m too sharp for that. Writing the surrogate body of a candidate in instead of voting the actual candidate. hmph.

Jokes aside those are two great comics I haven’t thought about in years, and I appreciate the call outs. That’s good hustle.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

When Weaselo picked him, it made my day. I’m just glad I’m not the only NEEEEEERRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD who loved 8-Bit Theater ’round these parts.

/Has a sudden craving for pie that is also evil

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m trying to vote for my left testicle and it’s not registering.

THIS ELECTION IS RIGGED!!

SonOfSpam

Perhaps you’ve been “voting for” it too much lately and now it’s numb?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I haven’t seen an electorate this confused since Trent Green needed to vote to update the family rules on who has to wipe for Trent Green.

makeitsnowondem

Yes, I picked the dog mayor twice, and this was not an error or oversight. I did forget to fill in some more facts about the dog mayor, though: He’s a Great Pyrenees, he’s nine years old, and he is a good boy who likes his mayor hat.