I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s Super Bowl (or, if you want to obey the first rule of DFO, Superb Owl) week! Yesterday, Commissioner/Ginger hammer/Megadouche/National Disgrace Roger Goodell did his part to stand before the press and earn his $30 million-ish a year salary by awkwardly chuckling about Hingle McCringleberry questions and asserting with a straight face that he is SO FOCUSED ON FOOTBALL that he couldn’t possibly have a view on things of lesser import in this country, such as an incompetent President riddled by conflicts but focused on systematically targeting refugees based on religion and putting a white supremacist asshole on the Principals’ Committee of the National Security Council while demoting the Director of National Intelligence, Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Secretary of Energy.

But he’s the commissioner, so he MUST be right, and it got me to thinking, why aren’t we spending more time getting to know the beloved people behind the football teams we love? You know, the ones who earned their money, treat the fans wonderfully, have great haircuts, and support Roger Goodell’s douchebaggery wholeheartedly. And hey, did you know the NFL had a political action committee (PAC) to help remind their friends in Congress how important football is and how great of a job Roger Goodell is? It’s called the Gridiron-PAC, and shockingly, they gave EXACTLY the same amount ($30,000) to the Republican and Democratic Senate and Congressional Campaign Committees. But what about the individual owners? Are they regular Joes and Jills like you and me? Do they save their hard earned money and invest it in their teams, stadia, or other hobbies? Let’s take a whirlwind team-by-team look at those krazy kooky kharacters, the NFL owners.

Team: Arizona Cardinals
Owner: William V. Bidwill, Senior. The “V” stands for “vaginas that I drown in.”
How did he get the team: Daddy was a rich lawyer/bootlegger and possible Al Capone associate, bought the team, died. Mommy married another rich guy, he and his brother inherited the team when she died, and then Bill bought out his brother in 1972.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: None, somehow, but Cardinals executives and sons Junior, Timmy, and Michael Bidwill each gave $5000.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Apparently his son, Michael, was a Chris Christie supporter during the primary, dropped $2700 on that wise investment.

Team: Atlanta Falcons
Owner: Arthur Blank
How did he get the team: Co-founded Home Depot/tied women to railroad tracks for extortion money, bought the team in 2002
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000, plus another $5000 in 2015
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Blank maxed out to Clinton/Kaine and even wrote a $25,000 check to the Hillary Victory Fund. Not that I needed another reason to root against the Patriots this week, but…

Team: Baltimore Ravens
Owner: Steve Bisciotti
How did he get the team: It’s Baltimore, so the answer should be a poker game and/or shanking the previous druglord for the rights, but Bisciotti made an assload in staffing tech companies, became a minority owner in 2000 and then bought out Old Man Modell in 2004.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. In the course of researching this, I learned two shocking facts: 1) Steve Smith, Sr.’s full name is Stevonne Latrall Smith, Sr. and 2) Steve Smith donated $2500 to Jeb!‘s campaign.

Team: Buffalo Bills
Owner: Kim and Terry Pegula
How did they get the team: Enough money from natural gas and country music that the Wilson family just couldn’t say no. Also owns the Sabres and something called the Buffalo Bandits.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $0. Good for you. Roger Goodell’s political slush fund doesn’t need your hardish earned cash.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. But holy shit do these two give an assload of money to Republicans. As you may know, Republican Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski have announced that they are going to vote against Secretary of Education nominee and bear fear artist Betsy DeVos. So a lot of people were looking to Pat Toomey to be the third Republican vote to block this unqualified assclown from running federal education policy. He is eagerly supporting her. Toomey won reelection last year by 1.6%. The Pegulas donated over $110,000 to Pat Toomey’s campaign accounts in 2016 alone PLUS $59,200 to the National Reublican Senatorial Commitee and $20,000 to the Pennsylvania Republican party. I’m not saying you can blame the Bills for a shitty Education Secretary getting confirmed, but go ahead and blame the Bills.

Team: Carolina Panthers
Owner: Jerry Richardson
How did he get the team: The triangle trade. Ok, also went from being an NFL player to Hardee’s magnate.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000 from Jerry plus another $5k each from the kids.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: I would have bet big money on this old white dude opening up the wallet for the orange overcomber, but of the multiple Jerry Richardsons that donated to the Trump campaign, none are the owner of the Panthers. He did give a bunch of money ($10k) to Senator Richard Burr’s reelect, but that’s not too surprising. There is also a Jerry Richardson living in Spokane who is a huge fan of Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. I’d almost rather have that guy at the table for NFL labor negotiations.

Team: Chicago Bears
Owner: Virginia Halas McCaskey
How did she get the team: Lucky sperm
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000 each from her and George McCaskey.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. :breathes sigh of relief:

Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Owner: Mike Brown
How did he get the team: Even luckier sperm
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000. Possibly more, but it may just be a clerical error, which is just so fucking perfect for Mike Brown and the Bengals. His kid kicked in the same.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: Nothing. It looks like Brown was searching for a horse to back, starting with his Governor, John Kasich, and then donating to Senator Lindsey Graham. But do you know who did donate to Trump? Mike Brown’s fucking secretary. Not huge amounts, but she ponied up $455 to “Make America Great Again.” Ugh.

Team: Cleveland Browns
Owner: James Haslam III, or Jimmy to his friends and the people he’s ratfucking.
How did he get the team: Being a shady fuck. Also, daddy had an assload of money from being CEO of the oil company that enabled Jimmy’s gas station empire. Bought the team in 2012 for $1 billion after tiring of being a minority owner of the Steelers.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: Unclear. There are James Haslam II donations for $10,000 in 2016, but some of the James Haslam II donations sometimes appear to be lumped in with James Haslam III donations.  His sister-in-law, the First Lady of Tennessee, also kicked in $5000.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. BUT Daddy chipped in $200,000 for the Trump Victory fund and Jimmy and his dad donated so much money to Jeb Bush’s campaign that they should each get their own exclamation marks. If you want to get depressed, do a quick search on fec.gov or opensecrets.org to see how much money this family donates to Republican campaigns and PACs each election cycle. It is literally more money than I will see in my entire life.  As just one example, we’re looking at $33,400 checks to the National Republican Senatorial Committee on a QUARTERLY basis.

Team: Dallas Cowboys
Owner: Jerry Jones
How did he get the team: Turned oil money into coke, I mean the Cowboys in 1989.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000. Junior kicked in another $5000, t00, as did a number of other Cowboys executives.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Jerral apparently likes to keep it local, save the $25,000 check he wrote to the National Republican Congressional Committee. And guess which Cowboy did write a big check to Drumpf? Mark Sanchez. Mistake after mistake.

Team: Denver Broncos
Owner: Bowlen Family Trust
How did he get the team: Pat Bowlen’s parents were freaking loaded with oil money, and then he went out and made more money in real estate. He bought the team in 1984, and he stepped down from ownership when Alzheimer’s got the best of him, and that’s fucking sad so let’s just move on.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: John Bowlen kicked in $5000, as did Annabel Bowlen.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0.

Team: Detroit Lions
Owner: Martha Ford
How did she get the team: The vroom vroom. Her late husband was Henry Ford’s last surviving grandson.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Just a few checks to the national GOP and Paul Ryan’s spineless campaign.

Team: Green Bay Packers
Owner: Fuck these fatasses, they don’t count.

Team: Indianapolis Colts
Owner: Jim Irsay
How did he get the team: Fuck if he remembers. Oh yeah, dad was rich and an asshole. Maybe Fozz can fill you in. What day is it?
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000 from him, $5000 from the wife, $5000 to the dealer…
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: Not only did he not donate to any presidential candidate, Irsay contributed $25k to a Democratic Senate PAC. Better position on legalization?

Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Owner: Shahid Khan
How did he get the team: The American Dream, at least before alt-right brought back the Whites-only version.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000. Same for his team President, Mark Lamping.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: Nada. Like Irsay, Khan ponied up $25,000 to Senate Majority PAC to support Democrats. Lamping, meanwhile, was worried about Bridgegate coming down to the Sunshine Turnpike or something and gave Chris Christie’s campaign $2700.

Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Owner: Clark Hunt
How did he get the team: Oil money and NFL royalty by way of birth/inheritance
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Large checks to Paul Ryan and then a smattering of other contributions to incumbent Republicans.

Team: San Diego Los Angeles Chargers
Owner: Alex Spanos and the rest of the gutless wonders
How did he get the team: Self-made man. Started selling sandwiches in 1951 and was a millionaire by 1955. Bought the majority of the Chargers in 1984 for $48.3 million. Still an asshole.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: Alex gave $5000, as did Dean, Faye, Helen, Michael, and Susan. Could have rolled that $30,000 into a solution to stay in San Diego, you sick fucks.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Just a shitload from Alex to National Republican PACs ($25,000 for the House and $100,000 for the Senate), and cats and dogs to various local and national candidates. Oddly, that includes a few Rick Perry for President donations.

Team: St. Louis Los Angeles Rams
Owner: Enos Stanley Kroenke
How did he get the team: Married into money, bought a bunch of teams, fucked over a good city
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: Nothing. Three cranky Kroenkes gave in 2015, so they must no longer need anything from politicians now that they’re settled in their new home.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Enos gave $100,000 to the Hillary Victory Fund and appears to be a pretty partisan Democratic donor. Who knew?

Team: Miami Dolphins
Owner: Stephen Ross
How did he get the team: Tax attorney. Dammit, 73% of DFO is lawyers, and we can’t scrape together enough money to buy a good bottle of scotch. Oh, I suppose his knowledge of housing law helped him make a truckload of cash in that field, too, which led to him buying half of the Dolphins in 2008 for $550 million and then dramatically increasing his stake to 95% the next year.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0.But he doesn’t fuck around. $200,000 to a PAC dedicated to electing Republicans to Congress, $100,000 to the RNC, over $100,000 to the National Republican Congressional Committee, $66,000+ to the National Republican Senatorial Committee, and a shitload to an array of powerful people on both sides of the aisle, from Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Bob Corker (R-TN) to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). If the money’s burning a whole in your pocket, feel free to stock the DFO clubhouse with some primo shit.

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Owner: Zygi Wilf
How did he get the team: Real estate, baby. Bought the Vikes in 2005 for $600 million.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: $5000
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. Other than Gridiron PAC and some local Minnesota electeds, he seems focused on stealing Mario’s castle.

Team: New England Patriots
Owner: Robert Kraft
How did he get the team: Nepotism. His father-in-law gave him a job, he started a company related to the father-in-law’s business, made bank, bought the P*ts for $175 million in 1994. By the way, they’re now worth an estimated $3.4 billion, so don’t feel too bad about Vladimir Putin stealing his Super Bowl ring.
Amount donated to “Gridiron PAC” in 2016: Nothing, but $5000 in 2015.
Amount donated to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign: $0. BULLFUCKINGSHIT. There’s no way these pigfuckers didn’t find a way to support their “friend” during the last election. Fuck it, I can’t keep doing this. In conclusion, owners waste millions on political donations, and even though (surprisingly) they didn’t donate to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, they all can go fuck themselves, especially Robert Kraft. Go Falcons!