[INTERIOR of a high-rise condominium kitchen,  Vancouver,  B.C., Canada,  8:03 AM, on a Saturday]

A happy-go-lucky Canadian boy is busy making breakfast.

He sings a jolly tune with no actual words to it.

Joey:  Doobie doobie doo, dippy dappa doo…

Suddenly, the phone rings.

Joey:  Gee, it’s kinda early on a weekend.  I wonder who that could be…

[PHONE FLIES OPEN]

Joey:  Yallo!

Joey:  Alanis?

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

Joey:  Um, how did you hear about Melissa?  Oh, yeah, it was on People!

Joey:  Well, golly, thanks Lanie!  That’s mighty nice of ya!

An older version of me

Joey:  Hey now, that’s not nice.

Is she perverted like me

Would she go down on you in a theatre

Joey:  I believe that’s none of your beeswax, young lady!

Does she speak eloquently

Joey:  Actually, yeah!  She’s so good at her job, she’s a…

And would she have your baby

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

Joey:  Well, I think I may be a little old to chase around a little young’un, but we’ll see.  I think she would though!

’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you’re still alive

Joey:  Uh, what?

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Joey:  Lanie, we’ve been through this. Why are you…

You seem very well, things look peaceful

Joey:  Well, yes.  I’m actually pretty ha…

I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know

Joey:  Well, I’m really sorry to hear that, but…

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

Joey:  Actually, it’s breakfast.  Where are you?  France?

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Joey (getting annoyed):  Actually, yes, it works better than THINKING ABOUT BASEBALL!!

’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you’re still alive

Joey:  Didn’t you just say that?  I heard you the first time.

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Joey: Wait,  you just said that too. Are you having short-term memory problems? I know a good doc and you know our Canadian healthca…

’cause the joke that you laid on the bed

Joey: You always did love my jokes!

 that was me

Joey: Uh? I think ya lost me there.

And I’m not gonna fade

Joey: Remember that Mazzy Star song “Fade into You”? That was a great song!

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

Joey: Did you know that if you squint really hard when you close your eyes,  you can see little stars?

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back

Joey: Have you gotten them trimmed yet? You’re not going for any weird Guinness record are you? I saw this old lady in Chinat…

I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Joey: Wait,  was that racist? I don’t think it was.

Well, I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Joey: Got it.  Ooookay, well it’s been really nice talking to ya! Have a great Saturday!

The happy-go-lucky boy finishes cooking his pancakes,  puts them on a plate,  and pours maple syrup on them.

Joey: Crazy bitch.