/intercom buzzes

SECRETARY: Mr. Berson?  Your 9am is here.

DAVID: Ugh, Samantha, I asked you not to interrupt me. :fidgets: How long has he been waiting? 15 minutes? Make him wait 3 more and then send him in.

/looks down under his desk

And you are going to have to hurry up if you want earn that bonus.

[THREE MINUTES LATER]

/PANTS ZIP CLOSED

DAVID: Send him in, Samantha.

[UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE THROUGH THE DOOR] Thanks, SAAAAAAAAAM.

DAVID: Jesus.

/DOOR GENTLY OPENS

You wanted to see me, boss?

Thanks for coming in on short notice, Phil. Look, I think you know how hard being a TV executive is. It’s a tough job. Much tougher than sitting around in a phone booth reminiscing about Ottis Anderson and helping Jim Nantz feel intellectually superior.

JEEEEEEM? What does ole JEEEEM have to do with anything?

Well, I know how attached you are to JIM, so I know this won’t be easy. But we’re replacing you in the broadcast booth.

Whaaaaa? With whoooooooom?

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Tony Romo here for OxyClean!

Tony, we discussed this. I’m glad you’re carrying a mic around as practice, but you’ll be in the booth, not endorsing random products.

Fine.

I have a mic, too BEEEEEERSON. Why can’t I stay with JEEEEEEM?

Well, there’s a lot of reasons. First of all, you can’t speak English. You are often ranked as the worst broadcaster in any of the top booths, and that’s a low bar. And you farted during a live broadcast this past season. More importantly, Tony here has star power. The kids get him, he dates hotties, he can speak to the brutality of the modern NFL and what happens when you literally break your back and people still expect you to play. And we can pay him less since Jerry Jones is still on the hook for oodles of cash.

But I’m on the top broadcasting team! Won’t viewers be upset they don’t have me and JEEEEEEM to tell them what to expect?

Let me jump in there and take that one, Dave. See how I pronounce one syllable quickly? Take a note. Anyway, you yourself pointed out last year that my injury timeline last year didn’t make any sense, and that was the most lucid thing you’ve said on air since you confused yourself with Boomer Esiason and went after Dan Marino for not winning a Super Bowl. I’m a hot commodity, and CBS had to strike before I decided to spend all my time golfing and pulling a Jeter. And we expect most of the NFL fan reaction to this news to be positive, since you’re basically ear cancer.

So…what do I do now?

When you leave this room, there are two paths. Choose the one that you think will be best not just for you, but for America.

/DOOR MEEKLY OPENS AND CLOSES AGAIN AS PHEEEEL EXITS

Fuck.