Fair warning…as I’m writing this the Geelong/Hawthorn match is ongoing.   Geelong has a 16-6 lead in the first qtr.  Which is good, but we’ll see…this post could go bad quickly.  Just letting you know…. profanity could be upcoming.

So ballsofsteelandfury has safely made it back to the continental US.  So whyTF am I doing this?  Oh right, he’s tired and junk.

Meh.

OK fine, let’s get to it…..

–

West Coast Eagles v Sydney Swans

Wow Sydney.  I mean yeah, I hate you and all.  And yes I wanted you to go to 0-4 this week.  But wow.  Just wow.  You guys suck….

3. Sydney’s worst start in over 20 years
Not since 1993 have the Swans started the season with four consecutive losses and their prospects look bleak. No team has made the finals from a 0-4 start since the top eight system was introduced in 1994 and only two teams in AFL/VFL history have won a flag from the same position, most recently North Melbourne in 1975. But history is made to be broken and with a raft of stars waiting in the wings, Sydney won’t be giving up hope yet.

Srsly Sydney, you suck ass.  See, just watch….

Hey, isn’t that guy a Sydney fan?

What guy?  Oh…right.  Yeah, he’s also a total dicknut.  Fuck him.

Takes a lot to piss me off enough to forget about Nazi Aussie.  Well done dicknose…proud of yourself that you’re insane enough to make me forget about a Nazi??????  I wouldn’t be if I was you.  Then again, I’m not insane….in spite of my occasional claims to the contrary.  And your shitty team is now 0-4.  Come at me, bro.  I dare you.  Talk shit about my internet dad once more…just once more….especially after he went out of his way to be compassionate towards you even though you never did anything to earn that courtesy.  In fact you’ve gone out of your way…..

Srsly…..Just once more.  Dare you.

Enjoy your days at the bottom, Swans.  You too, you fucking prick.  You know who you are.  Maybe one day you’ll figure out how to recognize when people want to help you.  But I doubt it.

That’s a picture of a bridge burning, in case the photo itself is too subtle for you.  Apologies for feeling the need to explain, but you’ve proven to not be so smrt at times.

Yes, I know you’re lurking and yes….I’m trying to get a rise out of you.  Prick.  [email protected] ….  I’m always open.  But I won’t hold my breath tho…bcuz while you’re insane, you’re also a yuuuuge pussy.

Good luck with that. (And who is insane enough to let YOU work on their eyes?????  Nope, nope)

(dick)

North Melbourne Kangaroos v West Coast Bulldogs

Hey, this one actually ended up being pretty good.  After getting their asses handed to them last weekend (North not surprisingly, West very surprisingly) both these clubs needed the win this week.  And they fought for it.  It wasn’t pretty exactly, but it was intense.  West gets it tho, but only just barely.  89-86 the Dogs get back into the win column and stay the course.  The ‘Roos are now one match closer to….well….not mattering.  But they’re used to that.

–

psst…..Geelong is now up 42-18 at the half.  The chances of profanity not aimed at THAT GUY have lessened.  Be happy.

–

Melbourne Demons v Freemantle Dockers

Well holee molee.  Check this out.  Dockers now have a freaking win streak going n junk.  It wasn’t easy, but they persevered and took the 2 pt win.  I’m impressed.  Seriously.  Freemantle gets two in a row, 106-104 over the Demons.

Greater Western Sydney Giants v Port Adelaide Power

Yep.  Port Adelaide came crashing down last week vs Adelaide.  This week, they continue the implosion v GWS.  Yikes.

Carlton Blues v Gold Coast Suns

Wow, Carlton is aptly named, no?  Honest to god, I thought turkeys could fly (no one will get that joke but I don’t care).

Fine.  Suns put the beat down on the blues.  Like that surprised anyone.

Adelaide Crows v Essendon Bombers

Well look who’s ALMOST the belle of the ball this week (pssst….wait for it on the ladder)

Crows destroy the Bombers, 153-88.  They’ll take the top spot on the ladder (probably….unless Geelong scores a buttload down the stretch….68-34 end of the 3rd….likely a win, but not good enough to overtake Adelaide at the top….or is it????).

Collingwood Magpies v St. Kilda Saints

Miranda Kerr is sad.  That makes me sad.  Saints didn’t do particularly well, but it was enough to subdue the ratbirds, 69-55.  Which isn’t saying a lot, but still.  But yeah, this was the ugly match of the week.  Holy shit.

Wanna see some photos of Miranda Kerr and other Victoria’s Secret models???  Tough shit. This is serious, dammit.  Don’t be looking for sex right now. (pssst….wait ’til the end…you might get rewarded for your patience).

Brisbane Lions v Richmond Tigers

Seriously…who cares?  Where are these two cities?  Well apparently Richmond cares.  They beat the piss out of Brisbane, 119-67.  Holy shit.  I still don’t know where either city is exactly tho.  Australia is spooky.

Hawthorn Eagles v Geelong Cats

First, fuck off Hawthorn.

Second, as I type, this one still isn’t in the books.  Technically speaking.  But Geelong is really gonna have to fuck this up badly at this point.  98-41 at the moment, 13mins in the 4th.  So I repeat…fuck off Hawthorn.  I’ll update ya’s on this one, but I think balls and me self will be happy tomorry.

Shit…no vid yet.  I’ll update that later too I guess.

Or maybe not.  But here…..

41 second mark……Zooey is kinda hot, no?

Oh shit, it just went final.

Geelong 134 – 48 Hawthorn

Wow.  That’s really sad.

Sweet, highlight vid posted just in time too…..

Fuck off Hawthorn.  You guys suck as much as Sydney.  Well, almost.

I really want to tell Nazi Aussie what’s what.  But I won’t.  Probably.  Well….maybe, possibly.  We’ll see.

But no shit….Geelong looks like an awesome place to live.  And just have a look at THIS ladder, would ya????

Yeah, baby…..

–

OK, what Now?

Oh right, that flipping footy tipping thing.  I still dunno how this works, but Canadia seems to be good at it.

–

OK, so I’m seriously running out of time here and I’m really tired….So I’m not shifting any time zones this week.

(It’s only 5am you pussy….you’ve still got an hour before press time)

Fiiiiine.  Let’s give it a shot I guess….

–

Round 5 Schedule

(again, i do not guarantee my time zone shifts here)

Friday, April 21st

Port Adelaide Power v Carlton Blues – Adelaide Oval – 2:20amPDT

Saturday, April 22nd

Western Bulldogs v Brisbane Lions – Etihad Stadium – 8:45pmPDT

Gulf Coast Suns v Adelaide Crows – Metricon Stadium – 11:35pmPDT

Sunday, April 23rd

Sydney Swans v GWS Giants – SCG – 2:25amPDT

Freemantle Dockers v North Melbourne ‘Roos – Domain Stadium – 2:40amPDT

St. Kilda Saints v Geelong Cats – Etihad Stadium – 10:20pmPDT

Hawthorn Hawks v West Coast Eagles – MCG – 11:40pmPDT

Monday, April 24th

Richmond Tigers v Melbourne Demons – MCG – 2:25amPDT

Essendon Bombers v Collingwood Magpies – MCG – 10:20pmPDT

–

Alright, so what now?

Right, hot Aussie chicks!!!!!

You already know Miranda….

And Elle….

And you very well might also know Theresa…..

But I bet you don’t know Emily…

Or even Leticia!!!!  No, not that one….

Anywhoo…..I’m out of time.  balls will be back next week to do this right.

I hope I’ve at least given AFL Beat some semblance of….well normalcy is waaaaay not the right word.  Let’s call it…coherence.  Nope probably not that either.

BALLS!!!!!  I NEED HELP!!!!!

–

Meh.  I’m out of time.  Have a good week I guess.

–