Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 78)

The scene: Ape City, that bustling hive of simian activity in an undetermined future.

Voiceover Narration (by Top Detective): This is the city. Ape City. Every day hundreds of primates walk these streets, climb these walls and swing from these balconies. Every kind of ape from every walk of life is here: Chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans. They work hard and most of them just want to go home, watch a game of apeball and enjoy a cold banana daiquiri. But even in Ape City there’s the troublemakers, the ones who go too far having a good time, or want to make life difficult for everyone else. That’s where I come in. I carry a badge.

Cut to: Ape City Police HQ. Top Detective is at his desk, filling out forms while his partner, Hard-boiled Detective, goes through his mail. They are approached by Captain Momo, the orangutan police commander.

Captain Momo (to Top Detective): What are you working on, Detective?

Top Detective: Just finishing up my report on our last case, Captain.

Captain Momo: The black market banana wine?

Top Detective: Yazzir.

Captain Momo: Good job on that case, Detective. I’m putting you in for a commendation.

Top Detective: I appreciate that, Captain. But I don’t do this job for awards. I do it because if I don’t, then this city becomes a breeding ground for crime and corruption. And that’s not going to happen on my watch. I get up every day and I put my pants on, one leg at a time, just like every other Working Joe. And I have my coffee, and sure, sometimes I even have a doughnut. But then it’s time to work, Captain, and when I go to work I only have one thing on my mind.

Captain Momo: What’s that?

Top Detective: How I can make this city a better place.

Hard-boiled Detective (reading his mail): You finally, really did it… You maniacs!

Captain Momo: Problem, Detective?

Hard-boiled Detective: It’s my condominium, Captain. They raised the association fees to pay for a new jungle gym…which I’ll never use.

Top Detective: I keep telling you, that’s an investment in your community. Sure, you might not swing from the monkey bars or climb into the tree house, but someone will. And that someone is a neighbor.

Hard-boiled Detective (grumbling): Easy for you to say…you’ve got a two-bedroom bachelor pad.

Captain Momo: By the way, we’ve had a complaint from the Forbidden Zone. You’ve heard of it, I assume?

Top Detective: That desolate area that’s home every low-life who would rather cheat, lie and steal than work an honest day? Sure, I’ve heard of it. And I don’t like what I’ve heard.

Captain Momo (sighing): It was supposed to be a new housing development. But then the developer ran off to New Chimpland with all of the money. But I was hoping the two of you could take a drive out there. It’s a mostly human-populated area, you know…

Hard-boiled Detective (opening his insurance bill): Meaning, a slum.

Top Detective: That’s not fair and you know it. Oh, sure, the humans here look like us, and to the fine citizens of Ape City they probably smell like us, but we’re different. And you know what makes us different?

Hard-boiled Detective (rolling his eyes): Personal responsibility.

Top Detective: That’s right, mister.

Hard-boiled Detective (whispering to Captain Momo): I heard this speech last week when we busted that human flasher.

Top Detective: It’s something we have and they don’t. Sure, we could hang out naked in the woods all day and get high on Mary Jane. But we don’t. Because we’re part of what makes society run like the well-oiled machine it is.

Captain Momo (departing): Well, let me know what you find out…

Top Detective: Will do, sir. What do you say, partner? Are you ready to take a ride?

Hard-boiled Detective (eyes growing wide as he looks at his insurance bill): Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!

Cut to: The Forbidden Zone, which is, yeah, a desolate wasteland. On a deserted and decaying highway a black muscle car with a big V8 roars over a rise, expertly maneuvering through the wreckage of other cars. In pursuit are several motorcycles and cars, driven by sneering punks with mohawks. Suddenly, a bright green glow appears on the highway. From out of the glow comes Doktor Zymm’s yuuuge RV, driven by Low Commander. The black car swerves around it, then accelerates away. The pursuers aren’t so lucky, as the first motorcycles crash into it, sending their riders flying. The other vehicles veer off, smashing into wreckage and crashing off into the desert. Finally, the RV comes to a stop. Low Commander lowers the driver’s side window and looks back at all the destruction.

Low Commander: Hmm. Um, guys…? I think we kind of, um…time-traveled.

Beerguyrob (sticking his head out the passenger-side window): Huh. I thought Old School Zero was gonna take the time machine out of the RV.

Low Commander: He was. But then he said it was, and I quote, “Too hard.” So he gave up.

Beerguyrob (ducking back inside the RV): Yup, he’s a true DFOer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (sticking his head out the passenger-side window): Dude! Are we in the past or the future?

Lord Revisisle (opening a side window and peeking out): Unless we’re in Eastern Europe circa 1990, or maybe Detroit any time in the last twenty years, I’m going to hazard a guess that we’re in the future.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Yeah! Suck it, tenth-grade P.E. teacher!

Lord Revisisle: Meaning?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: He was always saying that if I was such a wise-ass, I’d never live to see the future. But look at me now, Mr. Banderchuk! Woo!

Brocky (voice only, from inside the RV): Hey, maybe you guys should untie me now…?

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Brocky

Brocky (voice only, from inside the RV): Hey, maybe you guys should untie me now…?

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I don’t care if this comment is a day late, and I don’t care you all hate bronies, this is the perfect response

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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HAND HELD BOOBCAM!
HAND HELD BOOBCAM!
HAND HELD BOOBCAM!
HAND HELD BOOBCAM!
HAND HELD BOOBCAM!

oh, sorry

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Jesus Christ. Wife material.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck it! I’m starting happy Friday right here.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I like the addition of law enforcement; it adds the potential of having to deal with assholes afflicted by authority figure syndrome.

ballsofsteelandfury

Potential?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have met two detectives who work hard, trust the science, and are genuine good people. A few others……. YOU HAVE A GREAT POINT.

Also worked with a few sheriffs departments over the years; with the higher ups; watch your fucking back.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bottom Detective: [takes long pull of cigarillo, half smiles, discards washcloth on Top Detective’s floor, takes cash, quietly leaves]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Uh, my tenth grade P.E. teacher was named Mr. Hegenbart. I really wish you’d contact me in advance of publication to get these details right. Mistakes like this are what’s keeping people from taking Hard Ride to Nowhere seriously.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Seriously.

ballsofsteelandfury

Between Ms. March and this guy, Rikki had a hell of a scholarly upbringing. That’s what you get for going to ELITE private schools on the east coast…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SMARCH!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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jjfozz

There’s a stupid fuckface asshole tourist bar in OC, MD called Seacrets. They sell a drink called the dirty banana. I think the inspiration was the Wolfman.

I’m not one for sweet frou four drinks, because I have balls the size of coconuts, but a banana daiquiri with a sidecar of tequila? I think I could make that shit work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m not one for sweet frou four drinks either.

With balls like that you may want to consult a physician.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m not a doctor, butt I play one on tv.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and you blew a load on the pillow in a Best Western.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where can I get me a banana daiquiri?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I gots yer banana daiquiri RIGHT HERE, PAL!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DEEZ NUTZ U AINT MY PAL, BUDDY!

Horatio Cornblower

And then she didn’t say, and I quote, “it’s too hard”

I’ll take “things my wife didn’t say before falling asleep on our honeymoon” for $600 Alex.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, to you anyway.

Doktor Zymm

Chicago Mad Libs.
“This place is a (type of open sewer). Fuck it right in its (part you don’t want to be fucked in) with a (rusty object)”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Dog park
Ear
Rusty Venture

ballsofsteelandfury

Dogg Park
Back of a Volkswagen
Rusty Kuntz

theeWeeBabySeamus

But then he said it was, and I quote, “Too hard.” So he gave up.

http://herbookthoughts.reads-it.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/WyqZq50.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And it lasted for longer than four hours.