Smoking Hot Microphone

INTERIOR – FOX SPORTS BROADCASTING STUDIOS – LOS ANGELES, CA

[A pair of well dressed men sit around a broadcast studio’s control room, watching sports highlights on various screens]

GEORGE GREENBERG: Look, Joe, we have to keep up with the times. CBS has finally done the smart thing for once by canning Simms from their A Team, and it’s going to do wonders for their ratings. We need to make a splash with something big to counter with.

JOE BUCK: [Monotone] Why do you think I’ve been growing this beard, George? Another year, and most of the missing patches should be covered by the other hair around it.

GREENBERG: As much as I know America is looking forward to that, I’m afraid we don’t have that much time. We need to strike while the iron is hot, and I think we may have found you an exciting new passing leader for the booth!

BUCK: [Flabbergasted, but still monotone] Replace Troy? But his in-game analysis of what play a team should have ran, even though it resulted in a touchdown, is unmatched in the business. Besides, let’s not forget who the star of this network is. My Dad worked really hard to get me where I am today, and if you’re looking to bring in Peyton Manning to upstage me, you can just forget it.

GREEENBERG: There’s no reason to take that tone with me, Joe. We’ve considered all this before asking him to come and see us, after Peyton clearly wasn’t going to work out. [Mutters to self] There’s more to calling a game than just doing the sponsor intros. [Back to BUCK] He arrived this morning and we’d like to give him a quick audition with you.

BUCK: [Monotone] Well, I suppose an audition couldn’t hurt. You won’t say anything to Troy though, right?

GREENBERG: No, no, of course not. [Gets up and cracks the door] We’re ready for you now.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

JAY CUTLER: Hey, Joe.

BUCK: [Monotone] Jay. It’s good to see you. How’s the family?

CUTLER: Fine. Kids cough a lot. Kristin thinks it’s from my smoking, but whatever.

BUCK: [Monotone] Great, great… So you’re looking to hang up your cleats and take it to the booth on Sundays?

CUTLER: I guess.

BUCK: [Monotone] Well, then, let’s see what you’ve got. Here’s George with an update.

GREENBERG: Thanks, Joe. It’s easy; we’re going to watch a random drive from a game last year with only the crowd noise on the TV up there. Joe will call the game like it’s live, and you fill in where you can. Sound good?

CUTLER: [Shrugs]

GREENBERG: Alright. [Cues up a clip on a monitor] Then here we go! Take it away, Joe!

BUCK: [Monotone] This Seahawks drive starts at their own 25 after the touchback. With Wilson out of the gun, his receivers all line up to his left. Here’s the snap. Wilson fires and the pass is………caught, for a first down at about the 38. 13 yards gain on that play for Kearse. When you have that much time in the pocket, it must be easy to carve up a defense like that, right Jay?

CUTLER: I dunno.

BUCK: [Somehow chuckles in monotone] That’s right. You’ve gotten used to playing under constant pressure for the past few years. [Back to the game] With everyone back at the line, Wilson is directing traffic. Here’s the snap, and it’s a quick handoff to Rawls who plunges forward and picks about 4 yards. What do you think of this young up and coming power runner? Does he remind you of anyone?

CUTLER: Running was never much of my forte.

BUCK: [Monotone] Good point. When you spend so many years with an every down back like Matt Forte, you certainly never have to worry about it.

CUTLER: Who?

BUCK: [Monotone] If Rawls can just stay healthy, Seattle might have something here. It’s 2nd and 6, Wilson takes the snap and throws a quick slant over the middle. The pass is…………… nearly intercepted, but dropped by the defender.

[While BUCK is talking, CUTLER has suddenly become very focused on the control panel in front of him, and is pawing at the flashing lights and buttons]

BUCK: [Monotone] Dangerous throw right there. That is almost reminiscent of the infamous–

[CUTLER inadvertently presses one of the buttons and a clip plays across the screen]

BUCK: [Monotone]–Super Bowl play… [Pausing the tape] Wow, you certainly know your way around a studio, Jay.

JAY: [Takes a long drag on cigarette on puts it out] I need another smoke. [Gets up and walks out of the booth]

[Both men turn to look at each other]

BUCK: [Monotone] He’s got some talent alright. Seems like a bit of a diva though.

GREENBERG:  He’s got great instincts, but is still rough around the edges. I’m not sure if he’s ready to fill Troy’s shoes, but maybe in time…

BUCK: [Monotone] We’re going to have to do something, George. Someone else might take him if we’re not careful.

GREENBERG: Well, we need a replacement for John Lynch after he took the Niners GM job. Dumb bastard. Let’s offer him a  small deal and see how it works out. That should keep the wolves at bay for now.

[Both men exit the booth and find CUTLER in the hallway, batting at the leaves of a potted fake furn]

GREENBERG: You certainly impressed us in there, Jay.

BUCK: [Nods in monotone]

GREENBERG: How would you feel about joining the Fox Family and working with Kevin Burkhardt on Sundays?

CUTLER: DOOOONNNNN’TTTTTT CAAAAAARRRRREEEEE!

GREENBERG: Welcome aboard!

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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Don T

I lost it at “I dunno”. ?

Oh and I would love to hear Cutler in the booth. Not being a Bears fan, I like his careless ways.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: I was petting my cat as I read this.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I’ve been working on a Cutler/Edward R. Murrow “Good night, and don’t give a fuck” joke in the back of my head since yesterday. Still not quite there…

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am not even joking when I say I would prefer that to the commentators we get.

Unsurprised

How much is the potted plant asking for?