Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 83)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The Island of Professor Po! Oops, I mean… The Island of Doktor Zymm! Moosemas Gorilla is chilling down on the beach. He’s got his shades on, he’s kicking back in a beach chair, just digging the ocean view while knocking back a banana daiquiri.

Yeah. Sometimes it’s good to be a gorilla.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van is parked nearby. The doors and windows are all closed, to hold in all the smoke, some of which is nevertheless leaking out through the engine compartment. I mean, it’s a lot of smoke. Like, a lot.

Moosemas Gorilla (waving a furry paw at an approaching Ballsofsteelandfury): Ook!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey there, pal! Looks like you’re settling into island life.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Is Marc in his van?

Moosemas Gorilla (nodding): Ook.

Ballsofsteelandfury cracks open the back door of Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van. Smoke billows out of the van and wafts up into the air. A seagull flies through it. The gull’s eyes cross and it gets a silly grin, then flies toward the water. It lands upside down in the ocean and bobs for a moment, feet kicking in the air, and then a shark breaks the surface and swallows the seagull in one gulp.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, Marc. Breaking in the new van?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man! Like, it can hold a lot more smoke than my last van. Total hot box, man. Wanna give it a try?

Ballsofsteelandfury (climbing into the van): Well… OK, you’ve convinced me.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: The bowl is packed with sticky icky, dude. Like, this island grows premium weed, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah? Maybe Po was a secret stoner.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (hitting the bong): For sure, man. Like, those egghead-types are pretty tightly-wound, man. It does ’em good to burn one now and then.

Ballsofsteelandfury (accepting the bong from Marc): Yeah? What about Zymm? You think she tokes a blunt?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, I’ve thought about that, man. I actually got really baked last year for, like, a week, man, and I wrote a whole opera about it.

Ballsofsteelandfury (holding in the smoke): An opera?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Well, like, I thought I was writing an opera, man. But then it turned out that I was just writing down Cheap Trick lyrics.

Ballsofsteelandfury (exhaling as he sings): Mommy’s all right, Daddy’s all right, they just seem a little weeeeiiirrd….

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (taking a yuuuge bong hit): Yeah, man. Like, the weird thing is, I don’t even own a Cheap Trick album, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, by the way…I’m digging your new neckwear.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (holding in the smoke): Thanks, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Where’d you find an orange ascot anyway?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (exhaling a yuuuge puff of smoke): Like, on the skeleton, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Skeleton?

Flashback to: Marc Trestmans Windowless Van in the basement garage of the Castle of Death a few weeks ago. The garage is filled with a wide variety of cars. Most of them are covered in dust.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (lighting up a joint): Whoa, dude! Like, those vampire chicks really like cars!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van walks through the maze of cars. He bumps up against a black 1982 Pontiac Trans Am and a red light on the hood dimly lights up. A voice emanates from the car.

Trans Am: Hello? Hello? Is there someone there?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Dude! Like, you talk?

Trans Am: At last…someone to talk to! I have been so alone here for so long…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, like, how come you can talk?

Trans Am: I am a fully autonomous artificial intelligence. I am quite capable of conversation, but I have been alone here for so long…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, there’s, like, a hundred cars here, man.

Trans Am (with disdain): None of them are intelligent.

A 1928 Porter makes a throat-clearing sound and pipes up through its radio.

1928 Porter: I beg your pardon?

Trans Am: Oh, for…

1928 Porter: I’ve tried to engage you in conversation! But noooo… Mister Bigshot is too good to talk with an older model.

Trans Am: Well, all you ever want to talk about is your son.

1928 Porter: That’s because David is such a good boy! Did I tell you he’s an attorney?

Trans Am (grumbling): Only every day…

1928 Porter: And he’s always talking about his mother, the car…

Trans Am: And that’s why they put him in the loony bin!

1928 Porter (sobbing): How dare you! At least he didn’t desert me just to run off to become a life guard!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van wanders away from the squabbling cars. He comes across an old van. The blue and green paint is faded, but overall it looks like it’s in good shape.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (opening the driver’s door): Whoa, dude! Like, this is perfect, man!

As the driver’s door opens, a skeleton falls out of the van. It’s wearing a moth-eaten white sweater and an orange ascot.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude! Like, bummer, man.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van peers into the van. He inhales deeply and gets a big grin.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, smells like it was high noon in here every day, man!

Cut to: The present day again.

Ballsofsteelandfury (taking a bong hit again): Wait…talking cars? Are you sure you were just smoking weed?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally, man. I rolled it myself.

Ballsofsteelandfury: So the skeleton was here…in the van?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man. But he seemed cool with me borrowing his ascot, man.

[VAN DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Ballsofsteelaandfury look up in bleary surprise as the rear doors of the van are thrown open. Standing there is Covalent Blonde, a triumphant grin on her face.

Covalent Blonde: A-ha! I knew I’d find you two in…

A mass of smoke billows out of the van and over Covalent Blonde.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, hey, CB.

Covalent Blonde (eyes dilating): …here… Hey, is the sky turning purple?

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns): Welcome to Stonation, CB!

Covalent Blonde (climbing into the van): Hey, I’m getting the munchies. Is there anything to eat in here?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (closing the van doors): Yeah, man, there’s, like, a box of snacks underneath the passenger seat. They’re pretty stale, though…

Out in the ocean the shark that ate the seagull jumps up and does a full flip before diving back into the water.

Moosemas Gorilla (taking another sip of banana daiquiri): Ook!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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43 Comments on "Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 83)"

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Horatio Cornblower

I applaud the Cheap Trick reference but their songs begin and end right here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Her nipples have killed five men…..

that we know of.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No undies (drafty in here), but you can’t really see anything such as slittage or lippage (DAMN IT).

http://images.intouchweekly.com/uploads/images/file/36693/chrissy-teigen2.jpg

http://i2.dir-i.net/CMS/2016/11/23/y/5e_yh6w0a.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Above; Slittage and Lippage.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

That girl looks a lot like my wife.

In that they’re both white.

With red hair.

And that look.

And….

I’ll be back later.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY; BUY A DAMN VOWEL AND HAVE A DRINK.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s a repost, welp, I try for new ones. Hopefully you don’t mind watching her nut on the board.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve never been to Malta, but i think i should.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I also want to see the I heart Shakea shirt …..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is a fucking terrible joke,

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I wonder if the ascot owner ever finally fed the stoner to the dog.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I really do need to just bit the bullet and try CBD oil

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Aww, but no talking dog?

blaxabbath

[Unprovoked dig at Sill]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Unprovoked?

yeah right

A “My Mother the Car” reference?

Dude!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

An old taxi; a LOT of men have been in her.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus

Dude…a car gets a part…hurts man. It hurts. Just kidding I love you. Always a Friday highlight.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Soft Trip To Anonymity crew isn’t as exciting as the HRTN bunch.

ballsofsteelandfury

No purple dress, huh?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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