Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 87)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The not-so-secret base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van is pulling up outside, with Ballsofsteelandfury behind the wheel. He gets out, followed by Covalent Blonde, Moosemas Gorilla and Marc, and they head for the door.

Nearby, Vodkamanboris and Coquettish Blonde are hiding in the bushes. Vodkamanboris has lipstick all over his face, and Coquettish Blonde is applying a fresh coat of Party Pink lip gloss. They watch as the DFOers go into the base.

Coquettish Blonde: So, that blonde is me? Huh.

Vodkamanboris: Da.

Coquettish Blonde: No makeup, no fishnets…and she was wearing a sports bra! I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those things.

Vodkamanboris: Nyet.

Coquettish Blonde: The one guy looked like Marc Trestmans Superbowl Trophy, but our Marc dresses much better. Who was that other guy, though?

Vodkamanboris: Don’t know.

Coquettish Blonde: And the furry one is probably Monkeyfun, right?

Vodkamanboris: Is not monkey. Is ape.

Coquettish Blonde: Whatever.

Vodkamanboris: Dey go inside. We get car now?

Coquettish Blonde and Vodkamanboris rush over to the van. They open the door, and their eyes dilate as the weed fumes pour out.

Coquettish Blonde: Wow! Well, there’s one thing I like about this dimension!

Vodkamanboris (inhaling deeply as he gets in): Da!

Coquettish Blonde (getting in the driver’s seat): Now we just have to wait for Fizz and Rikki…

Vodkamanboris: Da. We do more kiss-kiss?

Coquettish Blonde: Later. I just put on new lip gloss.

Cut to: Inside the not-so-secret base. Specifically, the cafeteria, where Doctor Deadly is having a cup of coffee and a box of Digglers Donuts with Doktor Zymm and Steve the Ninja.

Doctor Deadly: I’m just glad that coffee seems to be the same in any dimension. And just what is the frosting they use on these doughnuts?

Doktor Zymm: No vone ist quite zertain… But I did vant to ask you, vy are you here?

Doctor Deadly: Well, as I said, I was testing my Dimensional Res-

Doktor Zymm (interrupting): Ja, ja, your D.R.I.P. But vy are you really here?

Doctor Deadly: Ah, I see you are as intuitive as…well, me! You see, my good Doktor, I am looking for someone. A man who, many years ago, fled from my dimension to yours. Even as we speak, my crack operatives have hacked into your mainframe to locate this man. And once we’ve found him, we’ll…

JJ Fizz wanders by the cafeteria, then sees Doctor Deadly and rushes in to greet him.

JJ Fizz: Doc! Wow, am I glad I found you! This place is huge!

Doctor Deadly (irritated): Fizz! What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet later!

JJ Fizz: I know, but I got lost. I asked a ninja for directions but ended up on the roof. Then I got locked out so I had to wander around the base until a technician let me in. Then I tried to find the mainframe again but I found the gym instead, and I got roped into a pick-up basketball game and…

Doktor Zymm: Zo, zis ist one of your ‘crack operatives?’

Doctor Deadly (pulling a futuristic-looking gun): One does what one can with the tools at hand, Doktor Zymm. All right, hands up, the lot of you!

Doktor Zymm and Steve the Ninja put up their hands. Doctor Deadly, JJ Fizz in tow, back towards the cafeteria entrance.

Doctor Deadly: I’m sorry it has to end this way, Doktor Zymm, but…

Doctor Deadly goes silent as he backs up into a wall of fur. Still holding the gun in his right hand, he casually reaches back with his left, inadvertently patting Moosemas Gorilla on the nose. Moosemas Gorilla lets out an angry huff. JJ Fizz looks back, sees the angry ape, and faints dead away onto the floor.

Doctor Deadly (turning around): Well, this isn’t good…

Moosemas Gorilla responds by slapping the gun away and giving Doctor Deadly a backhanded smack to the head. Doctor Deadly collapses to the floor.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Covalent Blonde (entering the cafeteria): So, when did Fozz get back, and when did Rikki go psycho?

Doktor Zymm: I vill tell you vat ist going on, but first… Steve, ve have other unvanted guests on ze base.

Steve the Ninja: I’m on it!

Steve the Ninja charges out of the cafeteria as Ballsofsteelandfury and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van enter.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, Steve.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, where’d Rikki get the new duds? And is that an opera cape?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (picking up the gun off the floor): Whoa! Cool, man!

Everyone else ducks as Marc Trestmans Windowless Van holds the gun up with a grin.

Covalent Blonde: Marc, be careful! That thing’s probably loaded!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van pulls a joint out of his pocket, then flicks the trigger on the gun. A small gout of flame shoots out of the barrel and he lights up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (inhaling): Like, you guys didn’t this was, like, a real gun, did you?

Cut to: Outside the base again. Coquettish Blonde is painting her toenails in Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van, while Vodkamanboris plays with the radio. He looks up to see ninjas rushing out of the base and toward the van.

Vodkamanboris: We should go.

Coquettish Blonde (looking up): Yikes. OK, we’ll just have to come back for the others.

Coquettish Blonde puts on her sandals, adjusts her seat, and fastens her seat belt. She looks over at Vodkamanboris.

Vodkamanboris (putting on his seat belt): OK. We go now?

Coquettish Blonde checks her mirrors as the ninjas draw closer. She starts the van. As they close on the van she taps the signal indicator for a right turn and pulls slowly out of the drive and onto the path, her hands in the ten and two positions on the steering wheel. The van doesn’t so much speed away as carefully pull onto the pathway and accelerate in a safe and sane manner.

Vodkamanboris (glancing back to see the ninjas still in pursuit): We go faster, da?

Coquettish Blonde: I’m going 20 miles per hour! There’s no need to be reckless.

As the van slowly makes its getaway, Coquettish Blonde sees two figures on the pathway and carefully applies pressure to the brake pedal, slowing the vehicle down. She veers cautiously around the two and then slowly accelerates away again.

Jerry (watching as the van continues on down the path): I was hoping they’d stop. I wanted to ask if we were close to the base.

BFC (as the group of ninjas charge over the rise): Yeah, I think we’re almost there…

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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18 Comments on "Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 87)"

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

I always love my Friday morning acid flashback.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

god damn it, there’s something wrong with me and I usually skip names when reading, or more just kinda gloss over them, and just use the first few letters. With the HERP/DERP names so close now, i have to *ACTUALLY* read them
/lazy

nomonkeyfun

I’ve made an appearance, sort of, from another dimension!!!

/see Mom, I told you I would be somebody someday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just assumed monkeyfun was the opposite of monkeybusiness

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Well, I’m not fat, self-righteous, nor from Indy.
And Elisha is the more enjoyable Manning.
I will admit to loving disco fries, but who doesn’t.

http://cdn1.edgedatg.com/aws/v2/abc/TheChew/recipe/628393/0a4349bfc43534ddab5940d487cbf31a/1228×491-Q80_0a4349bfc43534ddab5940d487cbf31a.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If you really knew me the passengers would be required to hold up a rear passenger door that is falling off as they drive.

#FAKENEWS

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I used that wrong, sorry, completely true

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I need to catch up on this. Cheated a bunch of chapters.

ballsofsteelandfury

Marc Trestman’s Super Bowl Trophy is genius.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I read only my part because it is 5 am and I still way behind. I have free time for now but I never think of reading it when I am refreshing every site over and over when I am out of stuff to watch or read.

My complaint is you didn’t give me any time to convert it to a bong and I wouldn’t just jam a joint in there. Also I always believe that joints in general are a waste of weed

/ actually refreshed every time one of the 3 versions came up

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

TY for the correction. Reading my backlog now

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Also counterpoint to that version of me. I just got a letter letting me know I was Dean’s list for 7 out of 8 semesters there, it might have been even 8 out of 8, for my first degree and now my second. I have 2 semesters with like no credits because I was doing something else at the time. I had a 3.9 at MTU for the year I was there too so I am not a dumb ass just obedient to family when they say “Hey, work for me, you will for sure have a job”

/ First thought when it came in the mail. It was a bill again. I have tried 3 times now and you won’t take my money
// Second thought you fucked up my financial aid coming in by being bad at your job.

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