Venezuela: Starving for your attention. Your 2019 Copa América Team Preview

Reasons why you should cheer for Venezuela: Venezuela is starving for the attention of lesser footy fans who do not have any blood ties to any country participating in the Copa América. Their team nickname, La Vino Tinto (Red wine), is literally encouraging you to drink alcohol while watching them play! Their

Las Razones Por Que Su Equipo Chupando: Paraguay Edicion

Paraguayan National Football and Competitive Barbershop Quartet Team        First off, I'd like to apologize to our Spanish-speaking DFOers for my atrocious butchering of a beautiful language. Second off, I'd like to apologize to our non-Spanish-speaking for exposing you to Spanish.  According to my aunt's Facebook posts, having to listen to even as

Hot and Unstable: Argentina 2019 Copa América Preview

Prodigious resources wasted by incompetent narcissists: that’s Argentina. But enough about politics. Let’s talk fútbol. In the last World Cup, Argentina had one of the more STACKT rosters but were buried under coach Jorge Sampaoli, a clueless diva whose main talent was out-asshole-ing himself. “Smurfs! I HATE SMURFS!” (traslation mine) In Russia 2018,

Copa America Centenario Preview – Group B – Brasil (aka, Brazil Plays Futbol)

This is best read with Matty Moyer's voice in mind.  For reference.... Brazil plays soccer. Oh shit...I mean Futbol. Brazilian citizens like soccer. Oh shit...I mean Futbol. Brazil has had a rich tradition in the international soccer (dammit....Futbol!!!!!) world...but not lately as much. Brazil has won 5 World Cup titles (but not since 2002). Brazil

Canadian Soccer – An Apology, by Sandy McTire

Hi. Oops, my apologies for being informal. Hello, my name is Sandy McTire, and I would like to talk to you for a moment, if I could. I would like to speak with you about Canadian soccer. Specifically, if it's not too much of a bother, I would like to discuss with you

Your “Oh Man – Pickin’s Is Slim” Friday Open Thread

These are dark times, my fellow Commentists. There's only one competitive sporting event this evening, in the 6th most popular sport mentioned on this site. FYI, that anecdotal list: Football Hockey European Football Australian Football Baseball Basketball Rugby Cycling Darts Auto Racing NO, YOU'RE WRONG! Anyway, Even though Sunday brings us a 500-mile