About a year ago, a dumb shit friend backed into my car and screwed up the bumper and hood. He didn’t want to report because his son was getting on his insurance. Fine. No problem. So this guy, we’ll call him “Dumb Fuck Jeep Driver,” sends me to this body shop.
The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. The NFL off-season is OVER and the regular season is under way for
The scene: Outside of the DFO clubhouse. Ballsofsteelandfury is sitting there, next to a brand new red Prius. Otto's Brain comes rolling out of the Iguana Mart across the street and rolls up to Balls. Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey. Otto's Brain (irritated): That cashier is really getting on my nerves. He just stares at
'Twas the night before Moosemas, and in a corner of Hell A battle was raging, and it wasn't going well Beelzebub was there, he was raging that day As he sent his Beelzebros into the fray Against Moose they raged, growling and grizzled While from the skies the hellfire drizzled Weaselo was there too, and WCS And
The scene: The barren plains of Hell. The Moosemobile is racing across the crimson sands of the diabolic wastelands, with an infernal machine in full pursuit. The infernal machine looks like a vintage Soviet KV-2 heavy artillery tank as re-imagined by famed painter H.R. Giger. So it's a pretty gnarly piece
The scene: The Secret Island of Doktor Zymm! Assorted DFOers, Olympian gods, ninjas and hangers-on are currently in the lab with the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal as Zymm programs new coordinates into the computer. Ballsofsteelandfury: So...you were serious, Dok? Moose and the others are really in Hell? Doktor Zymm (punching keys):
The scene: The parking lot of the Iguana Mart in the future. Like, waaaay in the future, man. There's currently a one-sided firefight going on, as an enraged blue-skinned sexually-ambiguous bartender is shooting at several DFOers with a Multi-Use Explosive Rocket Tracking-Enhanced system. The DFOers, for their part, are hiding
The scene: The Secret Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically, the lab where Doktor Zymm is trying to resurrect Yolanda the vampire from her current state. Which is basically dust and ash. The lab is filled with bubbling chemicals, test tubes, beakers...all that science-y stuff. Doktor Zymm is pouring the last