#DisBelieveland: 2020 Cleveland Browns Bye Week Update

Quick: without looking at their record, are the Cleveland Browns a good team or a bad team?   Got an answer?   You're wrong.  Whichever way you answered, you're wrong.   Cleveland is a Limited Heisenberg Uncertainty Team: at any given time, you can know where they are, but you can't know where they are going.

Progression not perfection – the 2020 Chicago Bears Preview

The scene, a brightly lit room, the kind you might find at a medical facility, or that nice place your unreliable cousin got sent on that "vacation" last year Unidentified voice: Hello everyone, welcome to another session. Today I'd like to welcome a new assembly. Before we begin continuing last week,

Football’s Sh***iest Cosplay: Your 2020 Detroit Lions Season Preview

Hot Taek: The Detroit Lions are perhaps the most consistently DFO Team in the league. Why? Schadenfreude. They jettisoned Jim Caldwell for the sin of going 9-7 in consecutive years. At that point, they hired Matt Patricia from the Patriots.  Bob Quinn had been hired from the Greatriots in 2016 and

Quarantine Blues: Minnesota Vikings Team Preview

banner image via {Exterior, Coach Mike Zimmer’s ranch in Northern Kentucky} Date: Mid June 2020 [Door Flies Open] Coach Zimmer: "Jesus Fuck if I have to spend another day inside this house I'm gonna lose my fucking mind!" [Coach dressed in gym shorts and t-shirt walks to his garage where his home fitness center is] CZ: "I'm

A Post-Doctoral Thesis On Economic Incentive & The Free Market – An Atlanta Falcons 2020 Preview

Fade in: The Greene Science Center at Columbia University. A slightly disheveled beverage purveyor, in newly-purchased pants, is about to address a collected panel. Beerguyrob: Esteemed professors, fellow Ph.D candidates, gathered audience members, ladies & gentlemen, and - for some reason - Arthur Laffer, Thank you for your time today. My presentation

I Can See Cleeeeeaarrrly Now, Tom Braaaaady’s Gone: 2020 Buffalo Bills Season Preview

[Author's Note: Despite the overwhelmingly positive response to last year's All Interpretive Dance team preview, I have decided not to go back to that well a second year in a row.  Try to contain your disappointment.] So here it is.  It's finally happening.  Like Christmas morning, high school graduation and losing

The Burning Stream: Your 2020 Cleveland Browns Season Preview

Cleveland, Ohio is a wonderful city, bursting with many shining examples of culture, fine dining and friendly people. Every single word of that sentence is a filthy lie, except for "Cleveland," "Ohio" and "City."  And frankly, "city" is being generous.  I would have gone with "penal colony," except that usually requires

Pissing Up God’s Flagpole: Your 2019 Detroit Lions Preview

[Author's Note: So this is it. The End. The final preview before the NFL meat grinder spins up to turn convert the bodies of healthy(ish) young men into Entertainment. Après moi le déluge de merde. Get hype.] Wyandotte. Shit. I'm only in Wyandotte. Every time, I think I'm going to wake up back in Midtown.... Everyone

2019 Minnesota Vikings Team Preview.

Interior: Vikings draft room just prior to the 2019 NFL draft. Rick Spielman: "Alright guys. This is it. Our final draft board. Let's go over this one last time. I'm thinking interior offensive lineman first round. Our offensive line was ranked 23rd last year and we were hammered with injuries. We've