Good Saturday morning, DFOers of all time zones. For the handful of you who wake up early, the Premier League season kicks off, with NBCSN’s excellent coverage of all games (which really makes British fans jelly). I first started watching in earnest to learn more about the sport, as I had been drafted into coaching my daughter’s rec league team on short notice. The original coach’s kid had gotten hurt, so he fucking quit. I stupidly admitted to having youth baseball coaching experience (5 seasons coaching little brother), and boom, I was the head man, despite knowing fuckall about soccer (beyond that Brits hate it when you call it soccer).
Two solid weekends of binge-watching, and I was hooked. It really is quite compelling television, and fits nicely into the American viewer’s schedule, as prelude to the orgy of college and NFL zombie intake. Why watch football for 24 hours or so every weekend when you can make it 28 or 30? Don’t be a cunt (we are in Britspeak mode, so that’s a very mild, common rebuke, and totes not sexist). Especially once you’ve picked your team to bleed with every week.
As noted in the featured photo, mine is Everton. I liked their spirit, and how their rabid, somewhat paranoid fanbase reminded me fondly of my alma mater, NC State (fits nicely with my characterization of Liverpool aka “the Shite” as U*NC and Manchester United aka “Manure” as Duke). Major kudos to Kruger Adams (last name redacted for his privacy) for acquiescing, despite his clear annoyance, to pose for a picture with my “lucky” Everton hat and NSNO mug. NSNO being the Everton motto of sorts – “Nil Satis Nisi Optimum” – which made more sense back in the era before Sky Sports decided which teams “mattered” and my Toffees actually fucking won trophies. HEY, that is just like NC State, too! 1983, bitches!!! But in all seriousness, Romelu Lukaku does score a fuckton whenever Kruger watches with me.
And that gets me back to the hate portion of the EPL. Following this league is a good way to feel better about the NFL, even under the Rog. It has shockingly incompetent (or perhaps “convenient” if you notice how seldom there is any discipline for blown calls that favor the “Sky Five” clubs) officiating, and shows no desire to do anything about it, with technology or otherwise. The financial system rewards the teams who are on “live” TV in the UK the most, which are invariably the teams that Sky Sports endlessly promotes, even when calling other games. For the uninitiated, those are: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, and Manchester City.
Guess which 5 teams every single pundit agrees are the only teams who EVER have a chance to win the League under ANY circumstances?
It gets even worse than that, though. It’s basically a sport that’s being run like baseball, but in an even more runaway fashion, where a handful of franchises have been bought by Russian mobsters or Middle Eastern oil sugar daddies, and run with essentially unlimited resources for 5-10 years. Then, the powers that be come in and say “that’s enough.” But, no, there will be no salary cap, more revenue sharing, anything useful like that. The giant “teams that matter” (barf) can stay that way, just nobody else gets to do the same thing anymore, and are stuck being second class citizens forever. They have the balls to call that “Financial Fair Play.” May these shysters burn in hell right alongside Sepp Blatter.
Even worse than baseball, you can’t compete with young talent (like the As and Pirates). As soon as you have a young player show success at the Premiership level, the punditry do the “big” clubs’ bidding and start demanding that they be sold to one of the Sky Five “for the good of their career.” This has already happened this offseason with Chelski’s pursuit (at absurdly low bids, given the runaway fee market) of Everton hometown star CB John Stones, who’s only 21. Thank fuck, Everton held firm and did not sell. Thanks to FFP, it’s not like you could increase your wage bill to bring in veteran depth to improve the team elsewhere anyway. We just wouldn’t have the best young English player in a generation anymore.
You also can’t get a decent muthafuckin’ simple fleece with your side’s badge on it. All they want to sell you is an official game shirt (fuck you, I’m 42 and not fucking wearing that) or some weird looking sweater thing or those ridiculous scarves. I’M AN AMERICAN, respect my simple tastes.
Godfuckingdamnit, I am so pissed off now. Still, I am excited to see my team play, and hope for magic moments like I saw throughout 2013-14. I am cautiously optimistic. Tom Cleverley is an under the radar addition that will help Ross Barkley learn to be a complete midfielder, and finally get Big Rom the service he deserves to have a breakout season.
I sincerely apologize for not being as thorough as Balls is with the AFL. For one, I am not as smart as him. For two, I lazy. You can talk more about your side in the Komments below, in addition to chatting about this weekend’s fixtures. Short version of a season preview: The champion will surely be one of City, Chelski, or Arsenal (in order of likelihood, in my view – I hate City the least because it was Ian Curtis’ side). Manure is still a half-click behind those three. With my blue-tinted shades on, I totally think Everton could beat out Spurs and Saints for 5th. FUCK LIVERPOOL.
I close with a handy language guide:
jersey = shirt
got injured = picked up a knock
goalie = keeper
team = side
roster = squad
field = pitch
fucking asshole = monkey-faced cunt
cheater = diving cunt
fan = supporter
easy shot on goal = sitter
something cool happened = offside
I am generally annoyed = FFS (for fuck’s sake)
Liverpool player elbows a Stoke player, Luis Suarez whets his lips.
Meaningless, but fun. Leicester, Palace, and West Ham at the top of the table. Arsenal at the very bottom of the relegation zone.
http://www.premierleague.com/en-gb/matchday/league-table.html
Potters vs. Reds. Also known as the lamest part of the Cold War
I now have a soft spot for Stoke (despite their being kind of a shithouse team) for the send off they gave Steven Gerrard in his last EPL fixture. Just delightful.
http://i.imgur.com/Vg1CwW8.gifv
Arensal’s in trouble.
Holy shit, the Hammers came to play.
Arsene looks like he smelled an egg sandwich fart (even more than he usually does).
Palace really has done much better than expected since earning promotion from the Championship (2 or 3 years ago). They could settle in nicely mid-table, and then possibly break out like Southampton did last season, or Swans have done periodically. I say go for it!
As I understand it, really has been a “closed shop” since at least the mid-late 90s. Southampton put in a real charge last season, but Chelski always had a working margin for 1st. It did look quite possible that the Saints could finish 2nd (if you disregard historical inevitability) as late as February/early March. Then they hit a rough patch, and that was that.
The British media tried to make a big deal out of Liverpool almost winning the title during their last season with the racist biter (Luis Suarez), since they are technically not QUITE as wealthy as Chelski/City/Man U – and they have no titles in the Premiership era. That was just an illustration of how starved they were for a REAL story.
And the British media are the fucking worst. Lapdogs for the big clubs. Makes the likes of ESPN look like [insert brave muckraking journalist here]. They basically ignored Southampton’s brilliant run last season because it didn’t fit their narrative. Only NBCSN picked up on it, as a classic underdog story (they had even sold most of their best players pre-season).
I’m still trying to find an EPL side to support. For some reason, Crystal Palace is intriguing me though (I think it’s because of the cool name). Are they worth going in on?
I know this isn’t exactly a bold statement, but I wish a side away from the “Sky Five” could win it all. Has any “small market” even gotten close in recent time?
sorry, meant to reply. see above
Your thoughts about Everton remind me of my Ottawa Senators circa 2004/05. The talent! Oh, the talent. Heately, Spezza, Alfredsson, Chara, Redden, Volchenkov, Havlat, Bondra, Hossa…
Stupid bigger teams can’t stand to see that much talent in a smaller market team so they pick away until just the bare carcass is left.
http://i.imgur.com/dnXD32h.jpg
Pretty entertaining
tiedraw. Swansea was fairly impressive against the defending champs.Now, who’s ready to rivebrog the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational?! Because if nothing else, I need more Jim Nantz in my life!
I became a Tottenham fan five or so years ago- of the teams that have a remote chance of success, they seemed the most Bills-like.
Today’s own-goal loss to Man U appears to have confirmed my impression.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/cba8901801a736fb3fad603a655ae6f4/tumblr_mr1g59J0aU1qdu0p5o1_1280.png
I started following the EPL closely when NBC started broadcasting it too. However, through luck or misfortune (the sentiment swings back and forth between the two) I never really picked a team. It’s a whole different sports experience to be really into a league and not have a team. It means I can enjoy every big game, every upset, every fuckup. The downside is when it’s over and one team wins, I just go “meh.”
Hate beats love any day of the week! I really enjoyed Steven Gerrard losing Liverpool the Prem title two seasons ago by falling down on the pitch against Chelski.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/7a8f5c5c450064aec57e292c31103c07/tumblr_npgwnt8G3f1qdezf9o1_500.gif
2 Up, Chelsea down to 10 men.
WOOO SWANSEA!!!1!!
http://40.media.tumblr.com/305fecf3ce0742491731837e414a2a59/tumblr_noh4sxwZXo1rlxu8vo1_500.jpg
In grad school, I helped a PhD candidate from Newcastle become a Stiller fan (sorry, not sorry), while he introduced me to Geordie (other) football. The Stillers beat the Cards in the Super Bowl that season. The Magpies were relegated for the first time ever. This is what being around me does.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/e844ddddbd1789ad3c9e4efaae711919/tumblr_njhfm8ua8w1r40oaro1_500.gif
I love me some Newcastle. The beer, but the team is cool too.
FUCK LIVERPOOL.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/04ea70e4e877c861f7a6c8fadb6f55c5/tumblr_nbvc1nRvbn1ry46hlo1_500.gif
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2w2xz1Xus1r8q9x8o1_500.gif
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2w2xz1Xus1r8q9x8o2_500.gif
I OBEY HYPNOTOAD
Wonder if they have redneck hippies there too.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/28b2b033301bb84bb9c147869809e19a/tumblr_nrswypXNrH1rsmcudo1_1280.jpg
Just to be proper, I’m going to go whip up a proper cuppa Whittard of Chelsea Sticky Toffee Pudding (tea) that I still have.
I’m pretty ignorant about futbol in general, and have a difficult time getting invested in anything other than the World Cup & Olympics, but goddamn if that Men In Blazers show isn’t amazing.
I watch it without getting half the references and still love it, and it breaks my heart that neither the NHL nor NFL seem to have any real equivalent
http://41.media.tumblr.com/ff97737eca6d120cba75b1fd7d1ae29e/tumblr_nsm5nzvVsJ1qzcv7no1_1280.png
This is awesome! Very well done!
And no, you’re not dumber than me. And I doubt lazier. I seriously just woke up. Granted, I woke up at 4 to watch my Cats in AFL, but it was only from the mid-third quarter on.
I don’t really have an EPL team as I absolutely adore Barcelona (both the city and team), but I have a soft spot for Newcastle because of the beer and Alan Shearer.
Go Newcastle!
They were showing some kids show called “Lazy Town” before the CHE/SWA match started. It looked like something Marc Trestman would DVR.
You obviously do not have little nieces or nephews. Thankfully, mine have grown past that. I’ve watched way too much of that show and yes, Trestman has that on Season Pass on his DVR.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MdaOT72ieXs
The best part is the Nick Jr. logo remains up for the whole thing.
“Lazy Town? Can someone drive me there?”
-Albert Haynesworth
The Land Rover logo keeps reminding me of the Jets.
Swansea-Chelsea next.
http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-swan-on.png
I’m mad enough at Everton that I turned the telly off, but Swans are probably my second favourite side. Very positive, progressive club.
Get the fuck in, Swans!!!
Everton salvage a point and are lucky to do so. Long season ahead. FUCK.
I never managed to pick a team to root for last year, so I never started watching. I think I was considering Chelsea and Liverpool, mainly?
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
/not saying Boo-urns
Aston Villa scores with a “cracking” header.
I love these announcers.
Love the EPL precisely because five teams could win it, unlike La Liga or Serie A (maybe 3). Oh, and this never gets old.
http://eaglesthatlooklikearsenewenger.tumblr.com
As an Everton/NC State/Broncos supporter, I am used to soul crushing disappointment. But Christ on a cracker, losing to goddamned Watford at home on opening weekend…
Poor officiating? Only 5 teams have a chance? So college football then?
Hey did you get that email I sent you re: next week’s draft / potential new format?
I did not. Away from a computer all day so I will check it out tonight.
Edit: my phone is a work phone so I can only access gmail through the browser which is a pain in the arse.
Cool. We were talking about taking the drafts in a new direction – you’ll see in the email discussion.
Yeah but the EPL is still a distant 4th in rape (allegations) behind the NFL, NCAA, and now the NHL.
“You just trek down the gorn and scumbles, and Jack’s a doughnut, there you are.”
– a Brit giving you directions
*North Briton
“..and then we tell everybody he’s got weapons of mass destruction, and then we go in and take all the oil!”
– an American giving a Brit directions
I actually watched a decent amount of soccer during my “sit around and get high for a few months” phase in South Africa, and since my friend Bobby was an Arsenal fan, that’s what I became.
I am pretty thoroughly lapsed in my fandom, though. I couldn’t name a single player on their roster these days. (do Premier teams have “rosters”? Or do they call it something else, like “eel pie oogly chart”?)
Dude…it’s right in my translation guide ,, smgdh. “squad”
oh, and England seems to be relatively full of Raider fans, for some reason (they identify with the dental similarities?)
Either that or the propensity for drunken street violence.
Oh hey! I have cable now so I can watch more sports stuff! I will have to check this out next weekend. Today I have to play Civ V for the first time on my projector. DEATH TO WHOEVER HAS THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING THEIR FIRST SETTLEMENT NEAR MINE!
“What’s the situation?”
“It’s a bit niggling, sir”
-Dunkirk, 1940.
“Seventy-five years later, and the situation still hasn’t changed.” – Chip Kelly and Riley Cooper
I will never not chuckle at the short version of the names “Man U” (college-themed gay porno) or “Man City” (great name for a gay bar) because I am forever 12 at heart (and mind).
I used to spend a lot of time in Manchester, so I randomly started supporting Man City despite my ambivalence to the sport in general. Getting to refer to the fact that I like “Man City” just makes it better.
From watching the Ian Curtis/Joy Division biopic “Control” I learned that the legendary genius/poet was a City supporter. So know that you also made Ian Curtis’ ghost happy.
Hmm, Everton eh? Do they also replicate the soul-crushing humidity of Raleigh (a right punter himself) in the summer? So far the only thing I root for is the continued lack of commercials.
(My comment also disappeared a few times before submission when I switched tabs to do some research about british slang. Do something Parliament?)
As I understand it, the Scouse weather makes the locals want to kill themselves, just in a different way.
http://i.imgur.com/DWfURsw.gifv
I really need a back story on this.
“Damn Japs!” — Bill Parcells
Thank you for reminding me of this. I have now put on the telly and am watching Man U against Tottenham Hot Spur, which I’m sure doesn’t mean what Aaron Rodgers thinks it does. Based on your review I shall root for Tottenham, but not too loudly because I would feel stupid yelling “COME ON HOT SPUR” and my neighbor would call the police.
I sort of vaguely follow Arsenal because they seem to have some kind of deal with the Yankees’ TV network so they’re on a lot. And their coach is like 104. Now I feel like a front-running D-Bag.
I do like how the Arsenal coach’s first name is Arsene.
But see, that’s a reasonable nexus (the Yankees connection) so that gives you a pass. And generally, Arsenal finishes 4th every season. But they broke out a bit last season and it will be interesting to see if they can keep it up and truly challenge for the title.
Arsenal are (I think I have this right) the main rivals for Chelski, and they are certainly less noxious than that shower.
HEY, new analogy. Arsenal = Yankees, Chelski = Red SAWX.
Arsenal it is then. Go Gunners!
A Negro took a dive against Tottenham and drew a yellow card. Since the announcers said that it was “ill done” (seriously English football announcers are the best), I hurled a banana at my TV but did not yell any racial epithets.
My question is, was that too European, Just European Enough, or Not Enough European?
They would expect a bit more in the more Nazi-friendly South American countries, fo sho. But for a Gooner, that’s quite a’ight.
Adequately French, not Italian enough.
COME ON HOT SPUR!!!!!!!
/oh, hi officer.
‘All hands to the pump on defense for Manchester United’
Is that even English?
/Aaron Rodgers sends over his CV
Anyone else having their comments appear as replies? I think that was an issue last night too.
Everton/Watford being carried on USA Network at 10, so I can make dick jokes instead of reserving the laptop for streaming. WOO!
Wayne Rooney is a diving cunt.
To summarize my comment that got deleted–twice:
I can’t get into soccer. My only connection to the game has been either when I’m in a foreign country and it’s the only sport on TV, or when a US national team is playing and I have a stake in rooting–the same way I’d root for the US Kayak team in the Olympics.
Tim Howard plays for Everton if that helps.
/probably doesn’t help
Balls. Fuck. Shit. Bitch.
It’s not necessarily the most generally appealing sport. A goalless draw as an acceptable outcome isn’t an enticing prospect. I do think it is too hard to score. But as Hippo said, it’s a good lead-in to college football and the NFL, plus it’s something to watch in the mornings.
Oddly enough, many Brits have come to watch the NFL in much the same way (hey, at least there’s something on).
Rugby 7s is fun as hell to watch. To me, it’s like the perfect middle ground between football (American) and football (Limey). Except, unlike either game, it’s always fast-moving.
I would seriously pay to watch Rugby 7s if it were televised. I think when the NFL implodes and American football goes the way of boxing, Rugby 7s is what I’ll turn to when I need to get my fix of high-speed violence.
What the fuck? The page updated after I entered a long, well-thought comment, and my entire comment disappeared from the box. Why? Because I didn’t hit the button within 20 seconds after finishing typing?
Fuck that.
BRING BACK MATT!!!
Note at the half how thoroughly professional and good at her job Rebecca Lowe is, well beyond being a fit bird (translation: attractive woman). Easily the best studio host in sports. The rest of the panel is pretty good, too, especially Robbie Earle.
Each NFL broadcast partner could take a lesson there.
Yes, Rebecca Lowe is outstanding! In many ways.
Spurs with an own goal.
This is a very Spurs thing to do (always seem like they are better than their position on the table). And for Manure to be the lucky beneficiaries.
I’ve been up for almost two hours and am straight up pissed off at myself about it.
don’t want to deal with soccer until the oldest Fozz spawn starts his rec league in September – even as a assistant coach, I have to deal with moronic parents who think their son is the next fucking “whoever is good in pro soccer”.
I’d rather be home eating cereal and watching Bob’s Burgers.
and nobody wants to play goddamned defense, amirite??
It’s always a nice way to spend a Saturday morning, especially now that I rarely sleep past 8 or 9.
Even now that my kids are older, my body/internal clock no longer allows a true “sleeping in.” One of the many ways old age fucks you in the ass sans lube.
The Air Force did the same thing to my old man, but the poor fucker was always up by like 5 or 6.