Welcome Back, Beloved and Hated EPL

Good Saturday morning, DFOers of all time zones. For the handful of you who wake up early, the Premier League season kicks off, with NBCSN’s excellent coverage of all games (which really makes British fans jelly). I first started watching in earnest to learn more about the sport, as I had been drafted into coaching my daughter’s rec league team on short notice. The original coach’s kid had gotten hurt, so he fucking quit. I stupidly admitted to having youth baseball coaching experience (5 seasons coaching little brother), and boom, I was the head man, despite knowing fuckall about soccer (beyond that Brits hate it when you call it soccer).

Two solid weekends of binge-watching, and I was hooked. It really is quite compelling television, and fits nicely into the American viewer’s schedule, as prelude to the orgy of college and NFL zombie intake. Why watch football for 24 hours or so every weekend when you can make it 28 or 30? Don’t be a cunt (we are in Britspeak mode, so that’s a very mild, common rebuke, and totes not sexist). Especially once you’ve picked your team to bleed with every week.

As noted in the featured photo, mine is Everton. I liked their spirit, and how their rabid, somewhat paranoid fanbase reminded me fondly of my alma mater, NC State (fits nicely with my characterization of Liverpool aka “the Shite” as U*NC and Manchester United aka “Manure” as Duke). Major kudos to Kruger Adams (last name redacted for his privacy) for acquiescing, despite his clear annoyance, to pose for a picture with my “lucky” Everton hat and NSNO mug. NSNO being the Everton motto of sorts – “Nil Satis Nisi Optimum” – which made more sense back in the era before Sky Sports decided which teams “mattered” and my Toffees actually fucking won trophies. HEY, that is just like NC State, too! 1983, bitches!!! But in all seriousness, Romelu Lukaku does score a fuckton whenever Kruger watches with me.

And that gets me back to the hate portion of the EPL. Following this league is a good way to feel better about the NFL, even under the Rog. It has shockingly incompetent (or perhaps “convenient” if you notice how seldom there is any discipline for blown calls that favor the “Sky Five” clubs) officiating, and shows no desire to do anything about it, with technology or otherwise. The financial system rewards the teams who are on “live” TV in the UK the most, which are invariably the teams that Sky Sports endlessly promotes, even when calling other games. For the uninitiated, those are: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, and Manchester City.

Guess which 5 teams every single pundit agrees are the only teams who EVER have a chance to win the League under ANY circumstances?

It gets even worse than that, though. It’s basically a sport that’s being run like baseball, but in an even more runaway fashion, where a handful of franchises have been bought by Russian mobsters or Middle Eastern oil sugar daddies, and run with essentially unlimited resources for 5-10 years. Then, the powers that be come in and say “that’s enough.” But, no, there will be no salary cap, more revenue sharing, anything useful like that. The giant “teams that matter” (barf) can stay that way, just nobody else gets to do the same thing anymore, and are stuck being second class citizens forever. They have the balls to call that “Financial Fair Play.” May these shysters burn in hell right alongside Sepp Blatter.

Even worse than baseball, you can’t compete with young talent (like the As and Pirates). As soon as you have a young player show success at the Premiership level, the punditry do the “big” clubs’ bidding and start demanding that they be sold to one of the Sky Five “for the good of their career.” This has already happened this offseason with Chelski’s pursuit (at absurdly low bids, given the runaway fee market) of Everton hometown star CB John Stones, who’s only 21. Thank fuck, Everton held firm and did not sell. Thanks to FFP, it’s not like you could increase your wage bill to bring in veteran depth to improve the team elsewhere anyway. We just wouldn’t have the best young English player in a generation anymore.

You also can’t get a decent muthafuckin’ simple fleece with your side’s badge on it. All they want to sell you is an official game shirt (fuck you, I’m 42 and not fucking wearing that) or some weird looking sweater thing or those ridiculous scarves. I’M AN AMERICAN, respect my simple tastes.

Godfuckingdamnit, I am so pissed off now. Still, I am excited to see my team play, and hope for magic moments like I saw throughout 2013-14. I am cautiously optimistic. Tom Cleverley is an under the radar addition that will help Ross Barkley learn to be a complete midfielder, and finally get Big Rom the service he deserves to have a breakout season.

I sincerely apologize for not being as thorough as Balls is with the AFL. For one, I am not as smart as him. For two, I lazy. You can talk more about your side in the Komments below, in addition to chatting about this weekend’s fixtures. Short version of a season preview: The champion will surely be one of City, Chelski, or Arsenal (in order of likelihood, in my view – I hate City the least because it was Ian Curtis’ side). Manure is still a half-click behind those three. With my blue-tinted shades on, I totally think Everton could beat out Spurs and Saints for 5th. FUCK LIVERPOOL.

I close with a handy language guide:

jersey = shirt
got injured = picked up a knock
goalie = keeper
team = side
roster = squad
field = pitch
fucking asshole = monkey-faced cunt
cheater = diving cunt
fan = supporter
easy shot on goal = sitter
something cool happened = offside
I am generally annoyed = FFS (for fuck’s sake)