Meanwhile, on the CW… – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Crossovers

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly - November 4, 2015November 3, 2015

EXT. DAYTIME – SANTA LUISA

Scene opens with a helicopter shot over the ocean, sliding sideways over smooth sets of waves, bright sunlight reflecting off the surface of the water and causing occasional lens flares. The camera settles over a group of surfers floating in the lineup. A whistle is heard – an absolute bomb of a wave has been spotted – and they all start paddling for the safety of deeper waters. One surfer – THAD – stands out, he’s paddling so fast he makes the others look like they’re moving in slow motion. As he reaches the right spot, he kicks his board into a turn, and paddles into the steepest part of the massive wave. Cut to a tracking shot of THAD riding the wave, performing a series of dazzling turns on the sloped surface. The wave begins to turn over and THAD ducks inside the barrel. The camera zooms in as the curl pours a few splashes of water onto his head; he tosses his thick mane of blond hair back out of his eyes. We zoom out again and look ahead as another surfer in front of THAD sets to drop in, but backs off at the last moment. THAD glides by, glancing back at the would-be transgressor and we shift to slow motion as he hisses and bares his teeth – a set of vampire fangs.

Cue LOST ANGELS opening titles – set to “CALIFORNIA DREAMING” by THE COSMONAUTS

Neon signs
Above my head
Can’t get cool haircuts when you’re dead
Orange County stare across my face
Blonde people look evil when you’re in space
I’d kill my momma to shred like them…

—

EXT. DAYTIME – BUNGALOW

Exterior shot of a bungalow-style residence with a large shady backyard pergola. THAD comes into the yard holding his surfboard, sets it down and douses himself in an outdoor shower, gratuitously running his hands over his chest and back muscles under the running water. His brother, SEBASTIAN, emerges from the back door of the bungalow.

SEBASTIAN: Listen, we’ve got a visitor.

THAD: Is it Livania? Cool, she borrowed my parasailing rig and…

SEBASTIAN: No, it’s a…relative. He’s from the East Coast branch of the family.

Another figure emerges from the house, clad in clothing too warm for Southern California, his features shrouded by a hood.

THAD: [groans] Do we have to do this now? I was gonna burn one down and take a nap in the hammock.

SHADOWY FIGURE: [stops in his tracks] You sleep in a hammock.

THAD: Yeah, sure brah.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Not in a coffin filled with the soil of our homeland?

THAD: Ugh, no. [to SEBASTIAN] Could you imagine Lucy’s face if I…

SHADOWY FIGURE: [aghast] You consort with mortals?

THAD: [to SEBASTIAN] Who is this joker?

The visitor steps forward and his face is revealed.

BELICHICK: I am the Grumblelord, keeper of the hoard of forsaken draft picks! Some know me as William the Underhanded. Others know me as Coach Feratu. To humans and other lesser beings I am known as Bill Belichick.

THAD: Bela-check as in Bela Lugosi? [scoffs] Nice, real original, brah.

BELICHICK: No, Beli-check – as in check that attitude or I will cut your ass faster than a six-time Pro Bowl guard who is starting to weigh heavily against the salary cap and refuses to take a pay cut as he enters the most lucrative year of his contract. [hisses and bares his teeth]

THAD: [sarcastically] Ooh, silver fangs, scary!

BELICHICK: [surprised] Are you…not affected by silver?

THAD: Uh, no. Are you not affected by mouthwash? [waves hand in front of his nose] Seriously, dude, brush your teeth.

SEBASTIAN: [stepping in diplomatically] Listen, we’re getting off on the wrong foot here. Excuse my brother, he can be quite aggressive. The way he snaps and snarls, even the contemptible pack of beasts in Clan Ryan would find him uncouth [BELICHICK grants a grudging smile]. But we are family, let us put such discord to rest. Come, sit with us, and we will talk of the purpose of your visit.

The men sit as a human thrall, GEORGETTE, emerges from the house with a bottle of wine and a tray of refreshments. THAD eagerly inspects the spread, which consists of several heaping bowls of California delicacies.

THAD: I always get so hungry after a session. [holds platter out towards Belichick] Here, try some of this garlic shrimp.

BELICHICK: Get that away from me, I can’t eat that!

THAD: Oh, cause you’re allergic to shellfish? Yeah, my ex-girlfriend had that, one time she…

BELICHICK: No, I can’t eat garlic shrimp because I’m a FUCKING VAMPIRE! Does this shit not bother you guys? What the hell is wrong with you? YOU’RE POURING RUNNING WATER ALL OVER YOURSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF BROAD DAYLIGHT! THAT SHOULD KILL YOU IN LESS THAN TEN SECONDS. ARE YOU IDIOTS JUST TOO DAMN STUPID TO DIE?

SEBASTIAN: Oh, we have amulets.

THAD: Necklaces, actually [he fingers his own]. They’ve got teeth on them from a vampire shark. Or maybe it’s a regular shark, I don’t know.

BELICHICK: [astonished, his greed overcomes his disgust] Such a priceless artifact! With one of these I could rule the world! I must have it! [reaches for THAD’s necklace]

THAD: [draws away] No way, man, get your own.

SEBASTIAN: Old Dizzy over by the pier, he makes them. Just go buy one.

BELICHICK: The offering required must be crippling…

THAD: Huh? No, they’re like eight bucks. All the vampires in town have one.

BELICHICK: Let me get this straight. You have “amulets” that allow you to endure sunlight and douse yourselves with running water…what’s next, do you drink sparkling holy water and waltz into your victim’s houses uninvited?

GEORGETTE, who has emerged from the house with a platter of piping-hot gingerbread crosses, immediately turns around and goes back inside.

SEBASTIAN: Well…I mean…

THAD: There’s a sign at the edge of town that says “Santa Luisa Welcomes You”.

BELICHICK: …and that counts? You can come and go as you please?

THAD: I guess.

BELICHICK: Is there no charm or spell that can restrict you? No weapon that can harm you?

SEBASTIAN: Not really, no.

BELICHICK: Fire?

THAD: Nah.

BELICHICK: Arithmomania?

THAD: I don’t even know that that is, so…no?

SEBASTIAN: If we get shot in the face with a bullet soaked in holy water it really hurts.

THAD: Yeah, that stings a lot. We’re usually quick enough to catch them, though. There is one thing – if we’re decapitated with a vorpal blade that’s been consecrated by the blood of one of the elders, that will put us into a deathlike state for a while.

SEBASTIAN: Like an hour.

THAD: Yeah, a good hour.

SEBASTIAN: Not too many elders around, though.

THAD: Really? It seems like one shows up every other week.

SEBASTIAN: I feel like we see more witches than anything else.

THAD: Or mummified revenants of Egyptian pharaohs who feed off of life essence.

SEBASTIAN: Or some other mythical creature that has survived for dozens of centuries but we manage to outsmart and defeat in about forty-five minutes.

BELICHICK: [astonished] I grind through my life cursed by the compulsion to win, the compulsion to recapture the night of my greatest triumph. The same compulsion you must feel when it comes to feeding [SEBASTIAN and THAD look at each other and shrug]. But you…you surf, and seduce mortals, and…[glances at wine bottle] drink Chateau Margaux…how on earth can you afford this, do you even have jobs? Nothing brings you the slightest bit of discomfort, no weapon can put you in the slightest peril…why would anyone NOT want to be a vampire?

THAD: Beats me, man, it’s pretty great.

BELICHICK: [with a visible effort, regaining his composure] My apologies. I forget myself sometimes. I’ve come here with purpose, I should share my aims with you. As you know, I coach football. My prized thrall – one that has served me faithfully through his entire adult years – is starting to become long in the tooth. I’ve tried to acquire a successor via traditional means, but to no avail. The first was a blockhead, the second a Catholic. The original was from California, so I thought I might try my fortune here.

SEBASTIAN: We might be able to help.

THAD: What about Johnny, doesn’t he play football?

SEBASTIAN: Nah, he hasn’t played since college. And he’s still in New Zealand, chasing after Bodie. I was thinking of someone else.

THAD: Oh yeah, him. [to BELICHICK] He’s kind of a kook.

SEBASTIAN: Best surfer I ever saw, though.

THAD: True that.

The gate rattles, and a stranger enters the yard.

SEBASTIAN: Speak of the devil, here he is now!

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