Cowherd: Welcome back to The Herd here on FS1 – the only talk show where you can get the raw, unfiltered truth about sports, other than all across the radio dial. I’m your host, Colin Cowherd, and today’s show is sponsored by the good folks at Under Armour. They’ve provided me with some shirts, towels, sweats, and other products for free, and I can tell you honestly, these are the best products I’ve ever seen today. Up next, we have a special guest visiting The Herd. He most recently was the coach for the Philadelphia Eagles, and I feel like he really knows his stuff. Welcome to the show…Chip Kelly!
Kelly: Thanks, Colin. Happy to be here.
Cowherd: Whaddya think of this Under Armour gear? The best, right?
Kelly: Sure. A lot of my players have worn that stuff, and it seems to work.
Cowherd: WOO! Yeah. Under Amrour. Ok, let’s get right down to brass tacks. You were fired.
Kelly: (…)
Cowherd: So that means you don’t work for the Eagles any more.
Kelly: (…)
Cowherd: How did that make you feel?
Kelly: Well, Colin, we had some success over the last three years, but this season was disappointing. I thought some of our guys could’ve played better, but then I understand why ownership decided to make a change. I mean, we lost the division to the [*Redacted] s for chrissakes.
Cowherd: Whoa, CAREFUL there Chip. You might get some flak for saying that RACIST team name on my show. Ha, just kidding. Everyone knows there’s nothing wrong with [*Redacted] s, or Indians, or Chiefs, or Kikes, or any other team name that people whine about.
Kelly: Wait…did you say Ki-
Cowherd: Anyway, back to the Eagles. You made a lot of personnel changes that I thought were brilliant, but some critics disagreed. For example, you got rid of that malcontent gangbanger DeSean Jackson, and his career is basically over.
Kelly: Actually, he made the playoffs with the [*Redacted] s, and
Cowherd: I LOVE IT! You just don’t CARE about being politically correct, and you’ll keep saying “[*Redacted] s” just to prove a point to all those namby-pamby “feelings” people!
Kelly: Uh, like I was saying, we decided to go a different direction, so we let DeSean go. It was a tough call, but I felt it was the right one at the time.
Cowherd: Oh, no question. At all. I mean, this guy spent the whole off-season getting jumped into the Bloods, and now he’s completely off the radar. Just shows how important CHARACTER is.
Kelly: Again, it was a football decision.
Cowherd: Riiiight, Chip. Back to your decisions. You got rid of Latavius “Shady” McCoy, which I think was the right move. How can you trust a guy with a nickname like that? It means he’s either deceptive or “dark” in some other way, right?
Kelly: For one…ok, I don’t know how you get your information, but you have a few things wrong.
Cowherd: Hey, the only thing wrong is that you replaced Shady with DeMarco Murray and Ryan Mathews. I heard you could’ve traded a mid-round pick for Toby Gerhart instead. What were you thinking?
Kelly: Uh, Toby Gerhart is terrible.
Cowherd: No, you need a combo like that. Remember the Buccaneers about ten years ago? They had Warrick Dunn, a little jitterbug who would dance around and tire out the defense, then they’d bring in Mike Alstott when they needed important yards. It was a perfect backfield. That’s why they won that one Super Bowl! Along with the leadership of Brad Johnson, of course. Steady as a rock, that guy. Not flashy, not “athletic,” not a selfish showoff. Wait, a few seconds ago I called Warrick Dunn a “jitterbug” and I feel like that’s the wrong word.
Kelly: No, you actually got that one right. Please don’t try to correct it. Please.
Cowherd: Speaking of Brad Johnson, your quarterback play was pretty spotty this year with Injun Joe and Speedy Gonzalez.
Kelly: Oh dear God.
Cowherd: About the only reliable player you had this year was Riley Cooper, and no one could get him the ball! This Cooper’s the ultimate team guy. I mean, there’s a video out there, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, where Riley offers to protect all his friends at a concert and fight all these-
Kelly: Yeah, we saw that, and-
Cowherd: Lemme ask you, why didn’t you sign the obvious guy? I mean, Cooper caught plenty of touchdowns from Tebow at Florida. Gosh, Tim Tebow…
Cowherd: (cums violently)
Kelly: HEY
Cowherd: Whoa, that’s some kind of mess! Here, Chip, have some Under Armour towels. Under Armour towels – the best at cleaning up nostaljizz!
Kelly: (texts Oregon AD; “SRY 4EVR PLZ LET ME BACK”)
[…] FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Colin Cowherd Has A Special Guest […]
Congratulations on making Chip Kelly a sympathetic figure.
Perfection. The jitterbug exchange was priceless!
My god this was amazing.
English is funny. Based on the way it sounds, I’ve been going around the internet for the past five years blaming everything on “Kykes”.
The things that make you smile sometimes….
Right? I’ve recently found out that Andorrans are a very small population are are most likely not to blame for many of the things I hold them responsible, such as the heavy traffic in town.
I’m still wrapping my head around nostaljizz.
?
When I used to work in Hartford I started to listen to ESPN radio because the afternoon show had an office right down from mine and I would get free shit from them. Cowherd was on right before them so I gave his show a try.
He was horrible. Just fucking terrible. An obvious troll, willing to say anything, no matter how offensive, dumb or just wrong, in order to get listeners. And guess what? It worked. I haven’t listened to him since roughly 2005 but that hasn’t seemed to hurt him. I feel better about myself though. Fuck him, and fuck the mouthbreathing troglodytes that make people like him and Skip Bayless possible.
Good post though.
PLUS FUCKING ONE ON THIS!!
SOMEBODY HAD A FREE SHOT AND MISSED.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/ad04dffffd3abb67f697618f49e8ecf2/tumblr_n3te84d8sD1qdwm6bo4_500.gif
Cowherd, as far as I know, was not in our building. One time 50 Cent was though.
While rumor abounds, I have no grievance with Mr. Cent. Justice prevails if Mr. Cowherd hangs by the neck until dead, it matters not whether from the government gallows or the mighty oak in Old Man Henry’s north property, my good sir.
Sadly I listened to Cowherd enough years go that I read this in his shrill, weasel-dick voice. Fuck.
/pours
THE BANNER PIC WAS ENOUGH!!!!
Colin: “Chip, have I mentioned yet that JOHN WALL IS A N*****? Or that you lost to the [*Redacted] s TWICE this season? I am a gigantic sphincter.”
John Wall is near?
John Wall founded NATO?
“Wait, a few seconds ago I called Warrick Dunn a “jitterbug” and I feel like that’s the wrong word.”
Perfection.
And as soon as the ON AIR sign goes out, Chip starts dropping n-words and hitting Cowherd’s Barak Nobama blowup punching bag with a foam bat
You mean Barak Hussein Nobama.
Seriously, listening to him try to castigate Al Jazeera for running with the Guyer Institute story (“I’m telling you guys, Al Jazeera is a *real* network…but they shouldn’t have published this”), claiming that they were violating Ashley Madison’s [sic] medical privacy by broadcasting video of a guy pitching a client and using her as an example of how they circumvented potential scrutiny made me want to punch him in the face. More than usual, I mean.
I sincerely LOVE that you said Ashley Madison.
I didn’t – HE did.
Either way.