The Unabomber Sends His Thoughts on Super Bowl L

Dear Editor:

Ted asked me to politely request that you publish his thoughts on Super Bowl L. I’m sure you’ll agree that his “Takes” are very, very unique.

Personally, I admire your “open-door” policy on diverse opinions. Might I suggest that you transcribe the screed as-is? Mr. Kaczynski is very particular about edits and suggestions. Thanks!

-Jan Hollywood, CEO – Hollywood CommunicationZ, Ltd.

SUPER BOWL 50: REFLECTIONS AND EPIPHANIES – PAGE 1

THE ILLUSION OF PROGRESS AND THE RUN OPTION

A. Technology creates immediacy and access to comfort, yet at the expense of killing the natural world and dulling the human senses. A critical evaluation of “progress” is daunting when our culture is imbued in air travel, “Internet” access, and microwave vegan burritos. We must look behind the “science”, scrutinize the premises disguised as conclusions, and look for facts beyond what is presented. Thus the mere accumulation of points cannot by itself render the Panthers as a top NFL offense, as it lacks premier receivers, running backs AND QUARTERBACKS.

B.  Just as promoting as “progress” the genocidal Industrial Revolution, the Media Priesthood has pushed MVP status on Cam Newton (fully disproven in paragraphs “E” to “J” below). This, plus the herd response by consumers, obviate the fact that able offensive line play and deceit have been hallmarks of football since it emerged as a way to canalize our primal bloodlust and erotic angst. This is yet another manifestation of how mass communication

IN-PROCESS DRAFT – PAGE 2

creates shared beliefs that go against all reason. I know this too well, having to endure the unanimous notion that an anti-technology “domestic terrorist [sic]” dons sunglasses, effete curls and moustache, and closely shaves his beard. /*Jan this is me being “self-deprecating” to appear more “accessible and personible [sic]”.*/

THE NATURAL REVOLUTION IS LED BY WADE PHILLIPS

C.   At every single level “socialization” is the conforming of thought and action to a set of rules that are presented as having a shared purpose. A fallacy lies at its heart: these are not common values, but discrete edicts set about by a few powerful, enforced by most, and geared to extinguish our natural abilities and ends. Von Miller and Aqib Talib do not abide by such artificial constraints, and Wade Phillips ensures that the former will continue to ignore them, while guiding Talib to overcome his occasional f*ckheadedness. Ironically, NFL “Playoff Rules” also nourish the Broncos’ secondary natural instincts, as those DBs get handsier than a pat down after rec time. /*Jan that is some “personal experience” and “attitude” to “humanize” me; but I decline to “name drop”, especially those lucky bastards on Death Row. Maybe you should represent THEM INSTEAD*/

D.  Just as our purely mammalian condition negates higher abstract thought (our most “human” of aspects), so does hyperrationality undermine our natural state. Internal socialization, in the form of “moral” self-reflection, frustrates our seminal desires and ends. Our only

IN-PROCESS DRAFT – PAGE 3

constraints should be biological; thus Peyton Manning is the superior sportsman. Manning has accepted, and is playing within, his physical limitations without letting his so-called artificial “Legacy” dictate what he is SUPPOSED to do. Such internal logic fabricated by socialization must be removed from thought and action; once removed, our natural capabilities are liberated and beget high individual purpose. /*Jan this is why an anti-technological agenda does not preclude the use of technology to getting that message out there. It is a matter of efficiency. Efficiency!*/

THE CORRUPTION OF SOCIETY AND CAROLINA’S PASSING STATISTICS

/*Jan I’m going to incorporate, as paragraphs “E” to “J”, my 12/18/2015 essay, “THE INTERNET INTERNMENT”. Aside from obvious substitutions (e.g., “Mike Shula” for “Steve Jobs” and “passer rating” for “Willy Wonka memes”), I need to review it. But a C.O. took my copy for “bathroom reading”; bring the original with you this Friday.*/

K. But Nature will prevail on this historic Super Bowl: BRONCOS 37, Panthers 2. Let that serve as a harbinger of Progress.

/*Jan please review before publication and after I incorporate the last part and you take out /*MY COMMENTS TO YOU ONLY*/. Please do not forget this time to bring me tessellation coloring books and charcoals.*/

Banner photo via Wikipedia; sketch originally by Jean Boyland. 

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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[…] and the 1996’s Hermit of the Year (source: Better Shacks & Hovels). Kaczynski notoriously picked the Broncos to win Owl […]

[…] Door Flies Open: SHHH! Let me do the intro. [clears throat] I’m on Skype with the most notorious inmate of the Colorado Supermax. He’s the only PhD on this site to have 100% accuracy predicting NFL games. […]

WhyEaglesWhy

I’m in late on this, but by God this is magnificent.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit, people! Good damn work!

And special props to Don T. Great job. My dumb little post is going to be so pathetic and worthy of the person featured in it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Goddamnit, why did you have to set the bar so high?”

– Danny Woodhead, trying to purchase a cocktail

Beerguyrob

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, fuck this, I’m not even gonna try.

-Albert Haynesworth, any time really.

entropy

I’ll try to fuck it, Al.

–Rex Grossman.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[is speechless]

– Tony Sparano’s football

nomonkeyfun

“Wow,
Explosive.”

-JPP’s hand

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I should probably just give up.”

– Titus Young, realizing he is surrounded.

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Don’t worry, we have plenty of time to form a response.”

– Andy Reid

montythisseemsstrangetome

“I’ll take a stab at it.”

– Ray Lewis

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Beat me to it, Ray.”

– Janay Rice

Old School Zero

“What were we talking about? I forgot.”

–Trent Green

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“As a person responsible for making decisions around here, I’m not sure we can run this.”

– Pete Carroll

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Pete’s right, there’s absolutely no way we can print that.”

– A CSI technician in Boston, after realizing that the bloody fingerprints on the handgun might belong to a Patriots player.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yup, gonna have to spike it.”

– Gronk

nomonkeyfun

“Great idea.”

-Darren Sharper and The Coz in unison

Beerguyrob

While I’ve been reading this thread, I had another kid.

— Antonio Cromartie

montythisseemsstrangetome

“This went way over my head.”

– Chris Conte

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We also would have accepted Rahim Moore.