“Where’s My Bazinga?” – Explaining the Week 2 Madness to Your Mother

Perhaps something similar happened to you last week?

*phone rings

Beerguyrob: “Whaddya want?”

Mom: (calling from California) “Robert, it’s Mom. Why can’t I watch ‘Big Bang Theory’? There’s basketball on.”

BGR: “Yes, Mom. It’s the annual NCAA March Madness Tournament.”

Pictured: A better son.

Mom: “So, it’s on every year?”

BGR: *sighs “Yes.”

Mom: “But it was already on this morning. I wanted to watch ‘Price Is Right’, but instead of Drew Carey it was basketball.”

BGR: “Yes, Mom. It’s an all-day tournament going from Thursday to Sunday. Today’s the first day. It lasts from 9:00 AM to 10:00 PM here on the West Coast.”

Mom: “Oh, okay. Well, I’ll watch another channel then. Thanks.” *click

[Five minutes later]

Mom: “Robert, why is there basketball on TBS?”

BGR: “Well, there’s more than one game because they are taking a field of 64 teams and trying to drop them down to 16 teams by Sunday night. So, there’s more than one game on at a time. It’s what makes this tournament the best thing in sports.”

Mom: “Oh, okay. But it’s just one week, right?”

Some of you had this conversation with your mother (or aunt, or mothers – if you were raised in Rick Santorum’s version of Hell) last Thursday. You might think that some version of the above explanation will carry you through to this week, and she’ll understand.

Sadly, you – my friend – are WRONG! WRONG!

Moms don’t “follow” sports. Oh, they take passing interest in what you talk about, so they can mention it to their friends – “Oh, yes, Grace. Rob watches that too.” But Mom don’t care; Mom only cares about four things: your moving out; when are you going to get a ‘real’ job; when are you going to settle down; and when is she gettin’ her damn grandkids? [In my case, at 18; at 26; at 30; and “I dunno, ask God why I’m sterile”.]

IronVader
Mom thinks they are the same. They both wear masks.

To soften that reality, a mom needs her programs. “The Big Bang Theory” is one of those programs. She will watch it any way she can – first run; rerun; Netflix or Hulu. Since YOU never call, she can count on Sheldon & Leonard to be there for her. Oh, those crazy nerds and their wacky hijinks; they all have one memory of yelling at teenaged you about comics/movies/video games, and that’s why this show resonates with them. They also wish you were smarter. “Robert, you like the Star Wars and the Iron Man too, right?”

Don’t worry – the Beerguy is here to help you answer those predictable questions* again for this Thursday. Use this script as a guide.

[Ext: it’s halftime of the Miami – Villanova game. You’ve answered the phone…]

Q: “Son? It’s Mom. Where is my ‘Big Bang’? It’s 8:00. Why is basketball on again? Wasn’t it on just last week?”

A: “Well Mom, it’s on again because it takes a lot of games to get from 64 teams down to four. They need a couple of weeks to figure out who will be in the Final Four tournament.”

But he’s already got the SEC votes.

Q: “Why do they need 64 teams? Can’t they just pick four like in football?”

A: “No. It’s not a rigged vote, like in college football. Alabama doesn’t always play in this tournament.”

Q: “But why is it on Thursday night? That’s when ‘Big Bang’ is on.”

A: “Well Mom, it’s because of how popular ‘Big Bang’ is that they use Thursday night. They know lots of people will watch, and then they can charge lots of money for commercials.”

[Note: This answer is, of course, a lie – in terms of just doing it because of “The Big Bang Theory” – but do you want to lose valuable game time discussing tournament history with mom? She will accept this answer.]

Q: “Oh, okay. Can they make a lot of money off commercials?”

A: “Yes mom. An average episode of ‘Big Bang’ lasts 19 minutes1, which means there’s 11 minutes of time available for commercials.”

A million dollars per episode. 22 per year. Mull that.

Q: “Oh, now I don’t think that’s right. All TV shows are the same length.”

A: “You’d think; but, no. Everyone on that show makes a million dollars per episode – like the “Friends” did. They have to raise the money to pay them from somewhere. So, they charge $350,0002 per 30 second commercial.”

Q: “Well, couldn’t they have played the games during the day, like last week?”

A: “No. They need to play at night so they can make lots of money off the commercials. Remember how dad complains that it takes 20 minutes to finish the last two minutes of a basketball game on TV?”

Q: “That makes sense. Oh, do the basketball players get paid?”

A: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…….No.”

Q: “Well then, Mr. Smarty Pants, when will my ‘Big Bang’ be on next?”

A: “Why, next week. Here’s a promo picture I found on the internet for you. It’s Sheldon and Amy:”

Q: “Oh, look – Sheldon’s wearing another Green Lantern shirt. Robert, does Green Lantern ever fight Captain America?”

She pictures watching “Shrek” with grandkids you’ll never give her.

And there you have it. With these few simple tips, and your own ingenuity, you will be able to enjoy the Thursday night start of the Sweet Sixteen.

Of course, all this could be avoided with Call Display and an hour or two in Hell by simply ignoring the phone. YOU MONSTER!

* = I actually did this research.)
= according to imdb.com)
= per Variety)

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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[…] covered this in-depth last year. There’s no real magic solution; it’s really just a series of […]

Senor Weaselo

In fairness, Price is Right is a fantastic show. Less so now with Drew, but Cliff Hangers is still my favorite game.

Senor Weaselo

That is second. Hole in One (or Two) is third.

Sill Bimmons

LAADEEDOODEEAHHLAADEEDOOLAADEEDOODEEAHH

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Hot enough to melt steel beams—like the thermite they used when they did 9/11.

I'll boycott the #BatmanvsSuperman movie because the ugly face of @GalGadot who served in IDF against justice and humanity in #Palestine— Ibrahim Khadra (@IbrahimKhadra) March 23, 2016

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Letterman gives zero fucks now that he’s retired.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Right? I like how he’s also rocking the yellow headphones – reminds me of that old Walkman Sport.

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They match his shorts, but I bet that’s what he’s using.
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...

The only person who can match this level of DGAF is Richard Dean Anderson.

And no, you probably won’t recognize him.

Sill Bimmons

“The Mars candy company said not only will it label products made with genetically engineered ingredients, but it could also support a federal mandatory labeling law…following General Mills’ and Campbell’s actions as the new standards loom. ”

/SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Wait, what the fuck was that?

//puts needle back

“The Mars candy company said not only will it label products made with genetically engineered ingredients, but it could also support a federal mandatory labeling law…following General Mills’ and Campbell’s actions as the new standards loom. ”

What. The. Fuck.

For those who may not be aware, the Mars company is a privately-owned that has been fighting against every conceivable government regulation since the Pure Food And Drug Act.

Like this, for instance:

“Throughout 2012, Mars contributed $376,650 to a $46 million political campaign known as “The Coalition Against The Costly Food Labeling Proposition, sponsored by Farmers and Food Producers.” This organization was set up to oppose a “Proposition 37,” demanding mandatory labeling of foods containing genetically modified ingredients.”

That wasn’t even four years ago. What has changed?

It has to be that identifying GMO organisms in the food supply has become so difficult that it cannot be easily determined whether or not a given food product meets the designation.

It certainly can’t be about consumer backlash or these toothless new “looming standards.”

Personally I’m all for GMO foods. Golden rice has literally saved hundred of millions of lives and new pest- and disease-resistant crops are revolutionizing farming throughout the world. Human beings have been genetically modifying organisms for thousands of years by selective breeding techniques; GMO just speeds the plough.

But I do think that people have the right to know what they’re eating, and if modern gene-manipulation methods make you uncomfortable than you should be able to identify products made from such methods and eliminate them from your diet.

Mars has never met a regulatory cost they didn’t hate, and the fact that they’re now they’re publicly coming out in favor of a great big new one definitely sounds some alarm bells.

Unsurprised

I can’t stand anti-GMO noise because every time I’ve asked some hippie about why it’s so bad I get a bunch of noise and deflections. It seems that in almost every case the reasoning I’ve gotten from people I can actually talk to hasn’t been their opposition to GMOs per se, but their opposition to either Monsanto’s business practices (Fair, but that has nothing to do with anything) or the pesticides that GMO crops have been bred to resist. Now, that’s something I can get behind. I just wish people would stop blaming the food. Food didn’t hurt anyone.

...

Yeah, in general I like the idea of a movement that’s critical about how the food we make is produced from both health and sustainability perspectives, but this movement is dominated by anti-intellectual, anti-corporate, paranoid pseudo-science.

Unsurprised

The opening scene of Mad Men s7e8 (When it returned for the end in 2015) was rather breathtaking. Andie MacDowell has a hot daughter.
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How the fuck?
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It is the mystery of the dance…”

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Unsurprised

Your mother must be super psyched for BvS.

Unsurprised

Having seen every live-action movie, I can state with 100% certainty that Adam West is the only true Batman.

Sill Bimmons

The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt.

Unsurprised

i have to give Gotham credit for one thing: They managed to cast a Selina Kyle who really does look like a 15 year old Michelle Pfeiffer.

herodotus450

20 points to anyone who can answer any question about this image.
What is it? What is it made out of? What is the scale? Where is it?
http://www.tofutours.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/003-1.jpg
My guess is a very poorly thought out harp.

Sill Bimmons

That is plasticine romaine lettuce from Japan.

Unsurprised

Jade of some sort.

Unsurprised
Sill Bimmons

Jade it is.

I thought it was the plasticine they make the fake window food out of.

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Don T

Mom: Are you watching [current telenovela]

Me: I d–

Mom: It is soo good! There is this character [maniacal laughter]. Ohhh.

Me: *looking at watch* Is it an older wom–

Mom: There is this old rich lady whose daughter is a tramp and [laughter]

Me: *going to the fridge* Is there any beer?

Mom: Oh she’s terrible! She mistreats all her servants and–No! that’s for visitors.

WCS

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ballsofsteelandfury

My abuelita watches the same telenovela.

Don T

According to the trailers, they’re ALL the same telenovela. A lot more skin nowadays tho, compared to the ones when I was a kid.

Unsurprised

Rebelde was the Spanish-language version of Degrassi.

Don T

Great. Now I can’t get “Y SOY REBELDEEEE” out of my head.

ballsofsteelandfury

Far right. ALL DAY.

Unsurprised

Naturally.

herodotus450

grumblegrumble I’llgiveyourmomthebigbang grumblegrumble

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Sometime last year, my Mom went on a vacation with her best friend and came back saying she watched one episode and thought BBT was “pretty funny.”

“Jesus, Mom. I’d rather you be a Raiders fan than watch that show.” (Her least favorite team, because of the “associations.”)

It hasn’t come up again.

Sill Bimmons

My mom actually follows sports because my whole family is a bunch of crazed sports lunatics.

And she doesn’t watch Bazinga but she does watch Survivor.

I can’t decide which is worse.

http://img0.joyreactor.cc/pics/comment/%D0%B4%D0%B8%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%B5%D0%B9-%D0%BC%D0%B8%D0%BA%D0%BA%D0%B8-%D0%BC%D0%B0%D1%83%D1%81-%D1%87%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%BD%D1%8B%D0%B9-%D1%8E%D0%BC%D0%BE%D1%80-179870.gif

Unsurprised

BBT. There’s no question.

Sill Bimmons

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh I don’t think there’s as much to talk about after an episode of Bazinga as there is after an episode of Survivor.

I hear a lot about Survivor.

A lot.

Unsurprised

Naturally. Survivor has better characters, acting, writing, and better looking cast.

jjfozz

My lord and my God . . .

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t think she’s THAT hot, but I am not here to judge.

SonOfSpam

More like BONE HOME amirite?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Should have been the porn parody name.

Sill Bimmons

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Unsurprised

To be fair, E.T. is old enough that she could be his bastard daughter.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Never forget:

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ballsofsteelandfury

Unfortunately, it’s still the workday, but prepare yourselves this evening for a buttload of butt cleavage photos on tonight’s open thread.

Hat tip to the picture at the bottom of this thread

jjfozz

Butt cleavage is a distant second to cleavage, which I also call “The Valley of God”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I prefer ….. both.

Unsurprised

They must be so proud of their son, who’s received the only praise about BvS.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“You didn’t think I could climb a fucking ladder, did you?”

http://41.media.tumblr.com/2be3ffed28d19670283f08427b36ed71/tumblr_o379718gIP1ttrxmxo1_1280.jpg

Unsurprised

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ballsofsteelandfury

Did someone say hot oil wrestling?
htt

p://farm4.static.flickr.com/3527/4054419505_0966d36b45.jpg

Unsurprised

It makes sense that Steve Irwin would come back as a corgi.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s a good thing I’m not white because my answers to your mom’s four questions would NOT make her happy.

Seriously, what’s the white obsession with kids moving out and putting parents in retirement homes?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

White parents are fucking annoying.

SonOfSpam

Hey, lay off white people – what’d we ever do to you?

Oh right…all that stuff.

Unsurprised

The kids aren’t so great, either.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Separated nuclear families are easier for corporate US to exploit! DUH!

jjfozz

Once you get that power of attorney signed over, it’s time to visit the Porsche dealership.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

This is probably the best one ever!

Don T

Oh YES! That out-the-door when you’re 18 is still pretty foreign. I like it, but I wouldn’t kick my kid out out of age. The retirement home thing, well…
Let’s say it depends on the father and I RAGRET NOTHING! Besides, I’d hate to burden my kid with my senescence. All I ask is to be put in a home with kickass streaming (assuming satellite/cable becomes redundant), and orderlies who would get me “medications” on the side.

jjfozz

I have the exact same conversation with my parents, except it is always about the computer.

How these two manage to fucking destroy a computer is beyond me – my father is a retired physician and he was able to perform surgery with a laser and a fucking microscope and once explained to me how “with a little practice” tying veins together was like “tying a hook onto a fishing line” – he cannot access the internet.

After these conversations, I drink bourbon out of a pint glass and stare at the dog.

Unsurprised

Ben Carson was/is one of the world’s foremost neurosurgeons, too, and well …

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My mother was just glad I was watching black men do something that didn’t involve me masturbating!

Buddy loves March Madness!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“No, I didn’t put icing on the cinnamon rolls; what do you ask?”

-Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show’s mom

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My mother would always make my favorite dessert: a chocolate rendering of the QEW and call it the Hershey Highway!

...

Fortunately, I will never get a call from either of my parents about The Big Bang Theory as neither likely know what it is.

Unfortunately, I will hear all about Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz from my mom because they’re Oprah-approved charlatans.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My mom used to clip news paper articles for me; maybe you could send them article about what horseshit those asshole peddle.

OK, maybe that’s not a good idea for family harmony.

...

I generally just smile and nod and agree and don’t fight it because I trust my own judgment to guide me. I’m very fortunate in that I don’t have family evaluating my life based on broad societal standards and asking me why I’m not doing whatever everyone else is doing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That sounds much better than my confrontational scenario.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Someone has a 13 foot python, and I haven’t met them yet?!?!

Unsurprised

Pure Alabama blacksnake.

SonOfSpam

“People are staying home today for some raisin.”

Maybe they just want to avoid a grape big snowstorm.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My mom wasn’t big on TV at all until she got older, let alone sports. My dad liked auto racing and boxing; thanks dad.

scotchnaut

“Why do you have to watch those black guys play all the time?”

-My Mom, who is totally not a racist, it was just a question. You do watch quite a bit of sports where black people are playing, scotchnaut, you can’t deny that. You don’t watch golf hardly at all. I watch hockey. Sure but I was talking about ‘black’ sports. Why do you watch so much of it? [sighs heavily, goes for a walk]

SonOfSpam

“Because, Mom, black guys are the best at the fun sports like football and basketball, whereas white guys are good at boring sports like golf and Nascar and bowling.”

“Well, don’t you watch women’s sports?”

“Mom, you girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: curling and beach volleyball are the only two universal sports.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, I guess being a complete fucking idiot is not a sport, even though the competition is fierce.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is also universal; played in every corner of the world.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Because there aren’t any shows where they show black guys working?”

– your dad, who openly admits his racism

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My dad would chastise for racial bigotry, but would hammer on national stereotypes; “Those face-fucking Frogs”, “God damn Limies and their ‘tah'”, etc.

That shit was hilarious when I was a kid.

Sill Bimmons

That’s like my dad.

Heavy on the national European “racism” and pretty light on actual racism.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Don’t they all wear their pants down low so you see their butt cracks?”

http://40.media.tumblr.com/cf46715e130d87b355c557a4eb7cf982/tumblr_o3000oacr61t508pio2_400.png

Unsurprised

The perks of being a footballer.

laserguru

“No Mom, I’m not on drugs, I’m just thinking you know? Why don’t you get me a Pepsi…”

/was lucky, Ma loved sports

SonOfSpam

I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches…

/realizes school and church were in the same place
//gives props to parents for killing two birds with one stone

laserguru

One stop Institutional Learning Facility.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Legitimately considering breaking my CrimeBeat! hiatus for this atrocity.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d think the sentencing of Darren Sharper gets some attention too.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Too disgusting, even for me. It would just be 200 words about how great the judge is for rejecting the first plea deal as too lenient.

King Hippo

My mother grew up in a very sports-heavy household (my Dad was the kind who muttered and swore at the teevee), so she at least understands the basic concepts. Plus she DVRs stuff. And is generally ok with flipping to whatever Lifetime or Hallmark happen to be showing at the moment.

Also, thank fuck, she TEXTS most of the time. I’m the one child who doesn’t try to treat her like she isn’t capable of making adult decisions for herself, so she respects how I feel about talking on the phone.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

US dollars or Canadien?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

They don’t have dollars. They have loons and geese and such. “Gimme five beaver pelts for a quarter, please” you’d say.