Hey. I’m Fronkenshteen. I found the old place when Deadspin linked to a KSK post. It may have been an NFL Dance Party gif spectacular, but I can’t quite remember. I happened to be on KSK the day everyone posted their goodbyes and left, and quickly followed you guys over here.
I don’t get to contribute as much as most of you, because I spend my days running around after my 4 year-old son, and my nights trying to stay on top of this:
I wanted to write a post for the site a) to see if I could write anything worth a shit, and 2) just as a sort of “thank you” to whoever is keeping the lights on in this joint. This place is everything that is good about the internet.
Ok. What we’re doing here is picking me an English Premier League team to root for. I grew up in New York, so my teams have always been the Jets, Yankees and Rangers. I’d be lying if I said I cared about the Knicks.
I was a soccer player as a kid, but never rooted for a professional team. I was always drawn to the English Premier League, though. Not as much flopping, tremendous skill, and fantastic atmosphere. But without a connection to any of the cities with teams, my heart has never REALLY been in it.
Well today, that changes. Today, I will choose, absolutely at random, a Premier League team. I will then root for that team for the rest of my life. Like most kids from New York, I was taught that you stick with your guys no matter what. That lesson must’ve stuck, because FUCK would I like to stop caring about the dog-ass Jets. But I can’t.
But fandom is random. And if I became a Jet fan because I liked listening to my dad call Richard Todd a dumb motherfucker every time he threw a backbreaking pick, then I can certainly become a fan of an EPL team by picking its name from a hat. My disgusting Jets hat. And away we go!
Here’s the teams:
Someone’s about to get “Mushed”. Who’s it gonna be?
And this is the hat:
Look at that fucking thing. It’s already 2-4. In the hopper they go!
DRUM ROLL PLEASE!
And my English Premier League team for life (and I apologize in advance if I choose yours) IS…
Alright, the Hammers! Let’s meet my fellow supporters
Hey guys! How ya doin’? I’m new here. Academy of Football, huh? Right on! So what do I do? Buy a scarf, right? HOLY SHIT!!
RETREAT(TO WIKIPEDIA)!!!
Origin: Founded in 1895 as Thames Ironworks FC
Can you imagine how sharp their spikes were? They worked in an iron works all day, for chrissakes!
Nicknames: “The Irons”!
“The Acdemy of Football”?
Stadium: Well, for over 100 years they played at Upton Park – Boleyn Grounds,
but were forced to close up shop last year, and move to their new, equally intimate grounds:
Whoops! Wrong pic:
There you go.
Glory Years:
• FA Cup titles 1964, 1975
This concludes the glory years. Jesus, between leaving their history behind and their 40-plus year championship drought, I’m thinking this team is going to fit me like a fucking glove.
This is Marco Boogers:
West Ham signed him for 800K, after which he instantly bristled at the intensity of English training, and during his second appearance, was sent off for horror-tackling Gary Neville.
He returned to Holland soon thereafter, and is now considered one of the worst signings in Premier League history. And his name was Marco Boogers.
Theme Song:
“I’m forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams they fade and die.
Fortune’s always hiding,
I’ve looked everywhere …
I’m forever blowing bubbles,
pretty bubbles in the air.”
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams they fade and die.
Fortune’s always hiding,
I’ve looked everywhere …
I’m forever blowing bubbles,
pretty bubbles in the air.”
Inspiring.
Arch Rival: Millwall
Oh, come on! What are you, kidding me? How about we take on the IRA while we’re at it?
Basically, Millwall’s original Football Club came from the Iron Works directly across the Thames from West Ham’s. So these guys have been punching each other’s teeth in for 120 years or so.
In 1899, when they were still called the Thames Iron Works FC, a West Ham player named Tom Bradshaw died when a Millwall player “accidentally” kicked him in the head during a game. This was on Christmas. That’s the most British thing that’s ever happened.
Actually, that’s not true. THIS is. In the mid-80s, when the authorities began cracking down on football hooliganism, West Ham thugs pioneered the method of dressing casually, and using Inter-City rail, rather than specially dedicated “Football Special” trains to avoid police detection. Being England, the fashion element of this took off! Which resulted in the same morons getting stabbed through $1000 leather coats, instead of $40 track suits.
This is the statue of Bobby Moore, Geoff Hurst, Martin Peters, and (because there was leftover bronze, I guess?) Everton’s Ray Wilson. They are the local heroes of England’s 1966 World Cup victory:
Here’s what they have to do to it when Millwall comes to town:
Enough said.
So there you have it. I’m a New York Jets, Yankees, and Rangers fan who’s just randomly chosen to root for an English football team that just left behind a beautiful home stadium which contained all of its history, is in the throes of a forty-plus year championship drought, has an obnoxious, violent fanbase, and a bitter cross-town rival. Feels like home.
In any event, there are a couple of books on the history of the club that look to be required reading, and a podcast called Knees Up Mother Brown (KUMB) that should get me up to speed before the opener. Say, who do we play anyway?
Oh, for fuck’s sake…
Hey, I just wanted to thank everyone for bothering to read this and for the comments. I’ve been working late every night since it posted, but wanted you all to know how much your encouragement is appreciated. I’m off Thursday night, so I’ll see everyone on the rivebrog.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MN8aIFpHtI
The extent of my knowledge of “The Hammers” is in this Monty Python skit. I never understood why it was so funny that Coventry City has never won the English Football Cup.
Me too! When I pulled the name, it’s the first thing I thought of.
Green Street was intense. That’s about all I knew about West Ham before this post. Well done!
Legal choice. I should do the same thing, except you forgot to mention you get a reroll if you get Liverpool.
Hammers are scum of the earth, dude.
There’s still time to forget the stupid hat make the right decision:
http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/3/35747/1657097-200px_saints_logo_2010.png
I pick…..
DAMN IT!
Excellent post.
Don’t know what smells worse, that Jets hat, or that mob trashing the bus.
Are we factoring in the stench of failure?
/smells pit
DAMN IT!
Probably the hat. It keeps my hair off the food, but yeah, the smell could knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon. http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8o019Jbay1qb66jeo1_400.jpg
I like that choice. Bilić seems like an actual human with emotions who happens to be a very good football coach. And I listened to this crazy story in the Howler Radio podcast that involves Harrry Redknapp at his spontaneous, irresponsible best. Maybe is more comprehensible in print:
http://www.howlermagazine.com/half-time-hero/
What a great story! Loved this line:
“Chunk was from nearby Hemel Hempstead and drove a gold Vauxhall Cavalier Sri, the type of car favored by substitute teachers and people with gambling debts.”
Also, what a great reveal the last paragraph is. Thanks for the link.
West Ham? Did Jeff Baca get traded to San Diego?
Nicely done. I think this is the same NFL team DTZM is rooting for this year.
Nice work! Of course I appreciate the use of semi-related images.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/cc98c780e2a3cc8159f86ff54dda56a4/tumblr_o99itrsElg1qfr6udo1_500.gif
Oblig
“BLONDIE, YOU ARE KILLING ME!!”
I uhh…..prefer, uh, Maradona. Diego Maradona.
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/052009/1241795451_jim-ducks.gif
Too bad Newcastle got relegated. You could have rooted for beer
http://files2.coloribus.com/files/adsarchive/part_1934/19347155/newcastle-brown-ale-no-bollocks-1-260-76894.jpg
I love this Newcastle ad.
https://youtu.be/H5T-uxRnFzE
Thanks again for the encouragement & assistance!
UP THE IRONS!