A Greatly Uninformed 2016 Green Bay Packers Preview

Head Coach: Mike McCarthy

Key Players:  Aaron Rodgers (QB), Jordy Nelson (WR), Clay Matthews (LB), Eddie Lacy (RB), Julius Peppers (DE)

Key Losses/Suspensions:  BJ Raji (DL, retired), Casey Hawyard (CB, San Diego), Demitri Goodson (CB, “Drugs”, 4 games).

Notable Draft Picks:  Kenny Clark (DT, UCLA), Jason Spriggs (OT, Indiana), Kyler Fackrell (LB, Utah State), Blake Martinez (LB, Stanford), Dean Lowry (DE, Northwestern), Trevor Davis (WR, Cal)

Notable Free Agent Signings: Jared Cook (TE, Rams) (yeah, that’s it).

50 Questions for 2016 (written while drunk without the help of Google):

1. What’s up with Aaron Rodgers and his family?

2. Why did his brother Jordan go on “The Bachelorette” anyway?

3. Do you think Aaron hates his family because Olivia Munn has driven a wedge between them all?

4. Olivia Munn, while very attractive, seems like the sort of person that would insert herself into family drama, doesn’t she?

5. My wife claims that a lot of women were annoyed that she was on the “The Daily Show” because she was the least funny member of the cast. Is this true?

6. The videos she makes with Aaron are really bad, but at least they try?

7. Do you think Aaron is jealous of Olivia because she had sex with Captain America, or Captain America because he dated Olivia first?

8. Does Rodgers’s family hate him because he might be gay?

9. Or is it because he only has room for one Jordan in his life?

10. Did he walk up to Jordy Nelson one day and say “Jordy, you’re my Jordan now” without context?

11. Is Jordy Nelson still injured?

12. Why didn’t Ted Thompson sign another wideout for Rodgers?

13. Why does Ted Thompson hate free agents?

14. Remember when the Packers used to sign good free agents, like Reggie White?

15. Wasn’t he a terrible person?

16. Remember his racist tirade in front of the Wisconsin legislature where he also insulted gay people?

17. Didn’t he also insult “midgets” and gypsies, or was that Saturday Night Live?

18. Reggie White would have totally voted for Trump if he wasn’t dead, right?

19. Dom Capers is dead, right?

20. Do you think capers are kind of gross on chicken and fish?

21. What are capers, anyway?

22. I wonder if Clay Matthews eats chicken and fish a lot with his chunky soup in his Mom Cave?

23. “Mom Cave” is quite the innuendo, no?

24. Would it be weird if Clay Matthews did steroids just to look good for Aaron Rodgers?

25. How would the NFL handle that, if he took steroids just to look better and not to play better?

26. Should players be suspended for appearance-enhancing drugs?

27. “Julius Peppers” sounds like a character name for a pimp in a ’70s blaxploitation film, doesn’t it?

28. Why have the Packers had so many questionable character guys over the years?

29. I wonder if Paul Hornung is drunk right now?

30. Does Mark Chmura have a sports radio talk show or does he coach a high school girls lacrosse team in Wisconsin?

31. Has Brett Favre ever texted his wife dong pictures?

32. Was Najeh Davenport drunk when he pooped in a hamper?

33. Why a hamper?

34. Was he getting back at his wife or fiance or something?

35. Is he still married or dating that person?

36. Pretty awesome, either way?

37. Is McCarthy a good coach, or just lucky to have Rodgers?

38. Should Mike McCarthy really be calling Eddie Lacy fat?

39. Should Mike McCarthy call anyone fat?

40. What is the BMI of the average NFL fan?

41. It has to be really high, right, especially for Midwestern fans?

42. How about those Hail Marys last year?

43. Is “Ha-Ha” a nickname?

44. Why is “Clinton-Dix” hyphenated?

45. Do you think his parents called him that because he has a good laugh?

46. Or because he was odd-looking?

47. Or maybe they just like Nelson from “The Simpsons”, and we are all pronouncing it wrong?

48. Are the Packers still selling those $250 “shares” that were non-transferable, non-redeemable, and contained no voting rights?

49. Getting people to donate $250 to a billion dollar corporation is a great scam, right?

50. Will Blake Martinez be able to step up and contribute to a weak linebacker corps as a fourth round draft pick and relative unknown from Stanford?

Most Likely Scenario:  Same as last year. 10-6, second place in NFC North, early play-off exit.  Same old good offense, average defense team that loses in the playoffs.

Best Case Scenario for 2016:  Aaron Rodgers doesn’t get hurt, Jordy Nelson is as good as he was before injury, Eddie Lacy returns to his 2014 form and has a great rushing season, the offensive line holds up, and the front seven use their youth and athleticism to stabilize the defense.  The Packers win the division with a 12-4 record and advance to the Super Bowl.

Worst Case Scenario for 2016:  Jordan and Jo Jo confront Aaron and Olivia, telling Olivia that she “is not there for the right reasons.”  Aaron and Jordan do that weird brother thing where they don’t actually fight, but just kind of roll around on the ground for a while, tearing Aaron’s ACL in the process.  Scott Tolzien starts for the year, and the Packers go 8-8 and miss the playoffs.  Rodgers comes out of the closet in a teary press conference and reunites with his estranged family, including Jordan.  Munn is so devastated that she Steve McNairs him.  The Bears waive Jay Cutler at the end of the 2016 season following another 6-10 campaign.  Green Bay picks him up as a stop-gap, and they win the 2017 Super Bowl. Cutler retires following the championship, and celebrates by vaccinating his children. The Packers go on to draft the next Joe Montana in the fifth round of the 2018 draft.