Chip Kelly Calls a Press Conference

INTERIOR – 49ERS PRACTICE FACILITY – SANTA CLARA, CA

[A group of reporters are seated around a podium, chatting among themselves. A large figure enters the room and slowly waddles up to the microphone.]

Chip Kelly: Thank you all for gathering here today. I know that there have been a lot of rumors lately about my possible decision to return to coaching at the collegiate level following the end of the year. I want to assure you all that my focus is here, with the San Fransisco Uni– [coughs], 49ers.

/Adjusts Oregon visor

I want to leave my mark on this League, like many of the coaches I look up to that came before me: Steve Spurrier, Bobby Petrino, Lou Holtz, Nick Saban, and especially, my predecessor, Jim Harbaugh. These men are shining examples and exemplary head coaches, and I hope to be considered among them someday.

/Continues to call read option plays

I also find it ridiculous that so much has been made of Phil Knight coming to one of our games last month against Tampa Bay. Phil is a friend, and while he is the Chairman of a fabulous organization, he has gone above and beyond in supporting me, and this team, in our quest to improve scouting, recruitment and scholarship opportunities. He also came to visit me last year while I was coaching with Philadelphia State, and that wasn’t news then, so why is it now? I have a lot of friends that come to games, but no one writes stories about them.

After my time ended with the Eagles, I may have been looking at all my possible opportunities, but there were none available at that level. Had this job with the 49ers not been available, I would have considered looking outside of football altogether. I would have loved to take a job at a newspaper or media or anything.

Great. I’m glad that this is finally settled. Now, are there any questions?

Reporter #1: Bill Webb, San Jose Mercury News. Do you plan to continue to use Colin Kaepernick as your starting quarterback?

Kelly: Colin is a mostly upstanding player and an intricate part of this team. While I may not have approved of his actions at first, we have discussed them at length and I will allow him to continue to protest and speak as a voice of his people during their many hardships on the mainland. We may have not won any more games since making the switch, but the offense has played better and we hope that he will be eligible to play for our program past his 5th year before moving on to the next level with his career.

Reporter #2: Bob Feathers, Press Democrat, how do you feel about the election and the potential outcome that it could have on the team as a whole?

Kelly: [Smiles bigly] Well, I sure am glad with the way things have turned out. While he may claim to have been born in Hawaii, I know a liar when I see one and am looking forward to the new president’s policies that will finally let me be able to manage this program’s roster my way, without having to worry about quotas or affirm–

Reporter #2: Coach? I was actually referring to the local election, and how only 1 of the 4 city counsel candidates rumored to be backed by the team were elected.

Kelly: Oh. Uhh, you’ll have to check with Jedd on that.

Reporter # 3: Chandler Wing, San Fransisco Chronicle. What about reports that the Mayor is looking to take over Levi’s Stadium  after so called “mismanagement” of taxpayer funds? And what in God’s name is that smell?

Kelly: I want to assure you all that every dollar of tax payer funds has been used to benefit the team and allow our players and coaching staff to perform at the highest level possible. We also have plans to add a large pond on the backside of the stadium so that fans can go and relax after class gets out. Look, guys, I’m really just here to answer questions about our personnel or take credit for obvious decisions to keep future Hall of Fame Quarterbacks from scoring an 4 extra points before a blowout loss. So unless you have any of those for me…

[Silence]

…I’ll see you around campus.

[Bold text indicates direct quotes from this article, that may have been taken out of context, but probably haven’t]

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