Lambolton: The Musical

NARRATOR: [with musical intonation] The year…is two thousand and sixteen.  Two. Zero. sixteen.  The Cleveland Browns, flirting with the greatest triumph of numerical symmetry of the new millennium, lead the San Diego Chargers by a score of twenty to seventeen midway through the fourth quarter. A Chargers drive stalls deep inside of Cleveland territory.

♫ …set to the music of “My Shot” from Hamilton… ♫

JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!

CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey yo we’re…just like our city
We are…hopelessly shitty…

JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!

Imma play pro soccer and then go to college,
It’s A&M so sure not gainin’ knowledge,
I probably shouldn’t brag, but dag, my kicks are swaggy
My cleats are tight but yo my pants are baggy
I graduate then head to Southern Cal,
Pick up a job and then pick up a gal,
Chase off that Novak chump then get put down
For getting cozy with that Polish clown.

JOSH LAMBO
And I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!

CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey yo we’re…just like our city
We are…hopelessly shitty…

JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!

When I hit it right my kicks they glide, they stay inside
of the uprights give that ball a ride, get that game tied
And you know I get it done, son, nine times of ten
Lest a hand gets in my face, yo don’t race me to my place
Or sometimes I push it wide.

And I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!

CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey yo we’re…just like our city
We are…hopelessly shitty…

JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!

BROWNS SPECIAL TEAMS COACH CHRIS TABOR
HANDS IN THE AIR!

CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna rise up

PHILIP RIVERS
I got us to the thirty.

JOSH LAMBO (overlapping)
…not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!

CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna rise up

MIKE MCCOY
Time to take a shot.

JOSH LAMBO (overlapping)
…not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!

CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna rise up

ANNOUNCER
The clock is ticking…

CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna (rise up, rise up)

JOSH LAMBO
It’s time to take a shot.