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NFL Coaching Carousel Special

theeWeeBabySeamus

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That’s a funny word.  Carousel.  Seriously, look at it, it’s weird….

Carousel.

Meh.  Whatever.

Coaches be gettin’ fired.  Coaches be gettin’ rumored.  Let’s get up to date, Shall we?

Carousel?  CAROUSEL!!!!!!

No Hard feelings guys, but GTFO.

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Who’s Out?

jeff-fisherLA Rams – Jeff Fisher – Here, have a contract extension…..PSYCHE!!!!!!  Bye Jeff.

 

 

 

 

gusbradleyJacksonville Jaguras – Gus Bradley – Who?  Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

 

 

 

 

Buffalo Bills – Rex Ryan – Duh…..Geez that dude’s creepy as shit.

 

 

 

mikemccoySan Diego Chargers – Mike McCoy – Duh…..(also seriously….you can’t currently find a photo of Mike McCoy that doesn’t look like this)

 

 

 

chipkellySan Francisco 49ers – Chip Kelly – Hehehehe…..and also, Duh….

 

 

 

Seriously, none of us can be terribly surprised by any of the names on the above list.   Except for Gus Bradley…..seriously, never heard of that fucker.  Is that Jim Caldwell’s new alter ego?  Well if so, I guess it didn’t work out so well this time around.

Caldwell-lampshade

Oh shit, can’t forget about Kubes….

garykubiakDenver Broncos – Gary Kubiak – brain be all fucked up and shit.  (In all seriousness….as someone who suffers from CNS issues, good luck Kubes….but I’m still fucking pissed  you didn’t stay in Baltimore so fuck you also at the same time).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and Houston ain’t real happy with Bill O’Brien, but for now he’s still safe-ish.  For now.

Oh and also, the Ravens have not fired Dean Pees.  It’s possible that I just told you that ONLY because I wanted to say Dean Pees.  It’s a funny name.

Dean Pees, everybody……Not rumored for any job opening as far as I know but I just like saying Dean Pees.

Dean Pees.

(also yes I own that hat….it looks better on me than it does on Dean Pees….probably)

deanpees

 

 

 

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Alright so Fuck It….Who’s going Where?

Hell if I know.

Shit, Jacksonville apparently is bringing Tom Coughlin back aboard, though in what capacity is still yet to be determined.

No shit….this is the biggest mess ever.  Every damn year this coaching carousel bullshit starts up and they just do some musical chairs bullshit.  Do you think they just got timeshares together to save money?

OK…..

Probably the easiest way to do this is to link/cut/paste…..so here.  You’re welcome.

Coaching tracker: Follow latest news, moves (NFL.com)

LIST OF INTERVIEWS BY COACH

Kyle Shanahan, Falcons OC: Broncos, Jaguars, Rams, 49ers

Josh McDaniels, Patriots OC: Jaguars, Rams, 49ers

Harold Goodwin, Cardinals OC: Bills, Jaguars, Rams

Anthony Lynn, Bills interim HC: Bills, 49ers, Rams

Vance Joseph, Dolphins DC: Broncos, Chargers, 49ers

Matt Patricia, Patriots DC: Rams, Chargers

Dave Toub, Chiefs special teams coach: Broncos, Chargers

Sean McDermott, Panthers DC: Bills, Chargers

Sean McVay, Redskins OC: Rams, 49ers

Teryl Austin, Lions DC: Chargers, Rams

Mike Smith, Buccaneers DC: Jaguars, Chargers

Tom Coughlin, former Giants/Jaguars coach: Jaguars

Doug Marrone, Jaguars interim HC: Jaguars

Steve Wilks, Panthers secondary coach: Rams

 

Obviously, the recently fired losers are not accounted for here.  Bet that they will all land somewhere as coordinators or position coaches.  Seriously….take it to the bank.

But……..Who’s going where?  Shit if I know or care.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am watching the FNL finale now so I just got to the scene with Saracen asking the fathers permission to marry his daughter. It pisses me off this is a thing. It pisses me off more because my dad was a complete dickbag to my sister when she wanted to elope-ish. I got 4 hours of driving with him calling it a mistake and then when we got there he framed multiple things as if I said them to my sister and her new hubby and 8 other people. My sister knew he was full of shit but I don’t know if the new in-laws knew

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My actual reaction. You are better at life than me Stevi. I trust your judgment

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Doktor Zymm

Coughlin won’t be coaching, he’ll be a sort of ambassador to the retiree community in Florida, figuring out new ways to make the NFL appeal to the frequent dick pill user demographic that their advertising clearly indicates they covet.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

But if he takes the Jacksonville job he can do both

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A Coughlin boner; knobby, angry, ruddy cheeked, runny, with two super balls, and that arrives 15 minutes too early.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Central
Nervous
System

I be talkin’ ’bout the brain and spinal cord n junk.

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Unsurprised

“Shit if I know or care.”
— Me, re: NFL and most of life in general

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just watched the end of D2 for reasons (Al Pacino speech lead to other movie speeches, lead to a mighty ducks clip so I watched the end of it) I always forget Fulton Reed grew up to be Foggy on Daredevil

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Unsurprised

Oh, that’s where I recognized him from

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ballsofsteelandfury

CNS= Canadian News Service?

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Beerguyrob

No, because that comes with health care.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Sufferers of CNS may experience symptoms including maple syrup in the veins, excessive “u’s”, and profuse apologizing. Typical treatment involves a healthy dose of Tragically Hip.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there any dosage of Tragically Hip* that is considered “healthy”?

*aka Bo Jackson’s favorite band

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litre_cola

The answer is anytime, anywhere in this coUntry yoU can play the Tragically Hip. Wedding? Damn straight. FUneral? Yep, fire on some Wheat Kings. First HJ? New Orleans is sinking. Ahh memories.

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blaxabbath

I kind of wish the Browns would bring in Chip. Outside of maybe properly managing a salary cap and effectively planning for reloading/rebuilding/championship window years, I don’t expect the saber-metrics approach to work in the NFL. You want to make a splash? Bring in a coach with a system that doesn’t work in the NFL and pair him with a statistician (DePodesta) whose job it is to give Chip a roster that will work in the NFL.

They could basically just get Dallas’ O Line plus 48 running backs. If properly managed, they could pull off an 0-0-16 season!

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

A lot of folks forget that the “Draft 3 centers who can’t be on the court at the same time” part of Sam Hinkie’s Process came from Matt Millen’s “Take Another Wideout!” gambit.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

So which one of these guys is the black guy teams are gonna fake interview?

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blaxabbath

They should all just bring in Todd Bowles.

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Beerguyrob

Jim Tomsula, after his shift at Jiffy Lube.

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LemonJello

He’s listed as Lastname, Firstname NMI (Rooney Rule) on the schedule. It keeps it all nice and tidy.

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scotchnaut

Coughlin is just what a young, talented team needs-a 70-something old-school disciplinarian (“If the meeting is at 9, you’d better be there by 8:45 or you’ll be fined for being late”) whose ideas about the game haven’t changed since his days at Boston College. He obviously can’t stand his wife and family-just make him a consultant so he has something to do in the morning after he eats his room temperature oatmeal.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Ha ha, yes Rams, please hire someone from the Darth Hoodie coaching tree. That hasn’t turned out terrible every single time so far.

“But THIS TIME…”
comment image

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Enrico Pallazzo

Imagine the excitement of your team firing their asshole coach only to see that the two hottest names are Tebow McDaniels and Penis-looking Shanahan. Ouch.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Did Coughlin show up at the Jags interview with an onion tied to his belt?

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LemonJello

Much like his Depends*, Coughlin doesn’t leave home without his onion.

*now with ActiveGuard extra absorbancy!

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Brick Meathook

Currently above central Nebraska, flying from Baltimore to Los Angeles. Altitude 34000 ft, speed 366 kts, track 247, Boeing 737-990(ER).

We’re on a crazy northern route to avoid heavy weather. We left BWI and headed straight for Milwaukee; from there we turned west and are now headed for Cheyenne WY, where we’ll make the turn to the south to head to LAX. Normally this flight is a little over four hours; with this route it’s going to be six hours.

Fortunately, I’ve got my little bottle of night-time cough syrup to keep me company. Plus, I’m letting the first officer do all the flying. He’s cool so I may even do another bong hit.

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blaxabbath

“Flying from Baltimore to Los Angeles”

If you’re anyone on Fozz’s street, this is called a parole violation.

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jjfozz

Getting on that big silver magic bird I seen flying over my city

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Unsurprised

Just don’t end up on the news like those other assholes

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Josh McDaniels vs. Lane Kiffin in MOST-PUNCHABLE FACE! Who ya got?

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

McDaniels. Because if I punch Lane in the face, I won’t get to see the full effect of his sad, sad expression the next time he gets left behind by the team bus or fired on the tarmac.

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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

THESE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS I CALL THEM ME, BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY SEARCH FOR THE RIGHT ONE THEY’RE STILL FUCKING HOPELESS.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m setting up my mother’s new computer.
Seriously about to blow my brains out.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

See if you can get Chip Kelly to do it. I hear he thinks he can make any old piece of shit run with his system.

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Don T

Pees should retire and become a pundit, with a single topic per show, say, the Constitution. It’s a three word pitch really: “Dean Pees On”.

Oh I’m sure that’s never been said before.

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jjfozz

We should have fucking kidnapped Kubiak’s kids and held them at an abandonned row home in West Baltimore, he’d never find them.

Also why in the name of Ginger Lynn did the Ravens keep Morningwheg? FUCKING WHY?

Oh I know, so we can abandon the run after it starts working and have Joe Slow fire off 88 passes to Dennis Pitta for a grand total of 7 yards.

This year, instead of sending in money for my season tickets, I am sending a copy of John Holmes fucking a horse.

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blaxabbath

“An abandoned row home in West Baltimore.”

Also known as FirstEnergy Stadium – East.

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