Your “DFO Super Bowl Hate Week” Monday Evening Open Thread

Welcome to a different week of open threads. One is not obliged to act a part, but it will be impossible to avoid joining in.

In respect of the dystopian future that lies ahead, and the passing of John Hurt, I thought I would get DFO ahead of the curve and recognize this particular Super Bowl week for what it is – an attempt to paper over the League’s faults with the pomp & circumstance of “The Big Game”^®, and to build on the fantastic success that was the Pro Bowl in Orlando. I mean, look at this game breakdown from Yahoo!:

FIRST HALF                                             SECOND HALF

1. Punt                                                      1. Field goal
2. Fumble                                                  2. Punt
3. Downs                                                   3. Field goal
4. Punt                                                      4. Field goal
5. Downs                                                   5. Punt
6. Touchdown                                            6. Field goal
7. Interception                                           7. Punt
8. Interception                                           8. Fumble
9. Touchdown                                            9. Kneel
10. Punt
11. Punt
12. Touchdown
13. Punt
14. Kneel

So, today’s Hate Week topic: the state of the NFL.

 _{(courtesy Low Commander)}

For starters, they are holding the game in Houston. The last time “The Big Game”^® took place in a non-NFL city was Super Bowl XXXVIII, also held in Houston, between the Panthers & Patriots. Prior to that, it was Super Bowl XIX, between the 49ers and Dolphins, held in Palo Alto. Why they would choose a town that lost its team to Nashville as host is beyond me, but I guess they wanted to avoid the icestorms and lawsuits that plagued “The Big Game”^® at JerryWorld in February 2011.

To compliment your already steady diet of nightmare fuel, here is the official mascot for the Houston Super Bowl.

According to the official website, his name is “TD”. This begs the question – given the League’s penchant for squeezing every sponsorship dollar out of anything ever – why isn’t he sponsored by TD Ameritrade? He has the dead-eyed stare of a TD teller, and the rapey grin of a stock broker.

His “details”:

• AGE: This ain’t his first rodeo!
• HEIGHT/WEIGHT: Texas-sized
• FAVORITE SONG: Deep in the Heart of Texas and It’s Football Time in Houston
• FAVORITE FOOD: BBQ, Fajitas and Sushi
• 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOU: Friendly, Fun and Full of Houston Hospitality

None of that makes any sense!

• Where was he when Houston last hosted the Super Bowl?
  • Was he the product of a lonely Bill Belichick “inflating” game balls in 2004, born in secret as a hoodie bastard hybrid?
    • This would explain the absence, but I guess no one will have the GUTS to ask this question during media day.
• If his height/weight is Texas-sized, shouldn’t his angina be as well?!
  • The stress of this week should kill him have him in concussion protocol before Sunday then, based on his diet.
    • Sorry, that should be “Riddell’s Concussion Protocol, sponsored by Aleve”^©
• Why is his favorite song “Deep in the heart of Texas”?
  • Houston is in the armpit of Texas.
  • If Houston were as Texas as it proclaims, why is it on the Gulf of Mexico? It should be someplace patriotic, like the Gulf of America, or on the American River!
• And, based on the fact that the three words to describe him are actually six, it reinforces Texas’ 43rd place ranking of US public education!
  • If I had to guess, I’d peg the actual three words as “suffering craniodiaphyseal dysplasia”.

Alternative facts, motherfuckers!

Of course, they are going to use the bluster of this week to cover up the recent ridiculousness of California’s vagabond franchises – the impending LA Chargers and the flight of the Raiders to Las Vegas. What better way for rich people to ignore transients than to host a large party that culminates in “The Big Game”^®? Why they even have plans to help!

Touchdown Houston is the Houston Super Bowl Host Committee’s charitable program, designed to provide a positive impact on the Houston community long after Super Bowl LI has been played. The program will donate a minimum of $4 Million, $1 Million of which is donated from the NFL Foundation, to non-profit organizations throughout the Community with a focus on three key areas: Education, Health, and Community Enhancement.

It all sounds great! It should really take the sting out of losing one’s ACA health care and watching relatives be deported back to Mexico.

Roger is scheduled to give the “State of the League” address on Wednesday, where he will no doubt ask not to be loved so much as to be understood. As Florio cribs, it’s a “major break” from tradition, which could mean that fewer reporters will attend, since plenty don’t arrive until the final few days of the week. He doesn’t really want to talk to the press at all, but if he could infect the whole lot of them with leprosy or syphilis, how gladly he would do so! Anything to rot, to weaken, to undermine!

However, because the Patriots made it, the concentration of reporters who will insist on posing tough, aggressive questions about #DeflateGate will be much greater, since the folks who cover the Patriots definitely will be there on Wednesday. But surely they know the answers already? I’m sure he will remind them, once again, that the consequences of every act are included in the act itself. But Roger knows he is a lonely ghost uttering a truth that nobody would ever hear.

There you have it. A bunch of assholes waiting for a national disgrace to step up to a podium and try to spin lies into silk, in a city God or Cthulhu has tried to destroy 27 times since 1964 — eight hurricanes, eight floods, six severe storms, three fires and one tornado. Plus, the Astros.

What’s eating you going into Super Bowl? NOURISH ME!