“Mad About the Maddening Madness” – Dealing With Mom’s Eventual Phone Call

First, a little musical accompaniment to accompany your reading pleasure:

Are you enjoying your day so far? Excellent. We’ve already been treated to quite a spectacle. I myself started the morning games with a Mighty Leaf vanilla tea, because it was 10:00 AM and beer hasn’t gone with Cheerios since university.

Also, I am marking assignments, and thus justifying spending the day on the couch.

Just after noon, I cracked open the Wee Beastie Oak Aged Scotch Ale from Howe Sound Brewing.

Suddenly, their spelling didn’t matter as much.

The reason for this post is self- and your preservation. You will likely get a phone call from your mother or other confused older female relative around 8:00 ET, wondering where her usual CBS programming is. It’s the same phone call you get every March around this time. You love these women; you just wish they’d remember sports as well as they remember your ex’s name every time they meet your new paramour.

I covered this in-depth last year. There’s no real magic solution; it’s really just a series of misdirections intended to get you off the phone and back to the games as quickly as possible. But just in case, here are some quick responses to help further the closure you seek, depending upon the program they’re asking about:

Mom: “(Your name), why is there basketball on instead of (see below)?”

• Price Is Right: (West Coast only): “Drew needed a vacation. Didn’t you say he looked tired from losing all that weight? Maybe you could watch that ‘The Wall’ show you DVR’d? Y’know, the one that looks like Plinko but with questions instead of prices.”

• Big Bang Theory: “Because Obama stacked the FCC before leaving office. Maybe write them a letter.”
  • also, here’s a link to the vanity cards that flash up at the end of each episode. Tell her you’ll email her the link. Reading them all should cover the hours you need to enjoy the games.

• The Great Indoors: “Because CBS cancelled ‘The Odd Couple’. But not the one you like with Quincy and Tony Randall, the other one with Chandler from ‘Friends’ and the guy from that show.”

• Mom: “Because CBS has adopted a liberal agenda and is reworking the show to make Allison Janney a lesbian.”

• Life in Pieces: “Because no one but you watched that show, Mom.”

• Training Day: “Remember, Bill Paxton died, Mom. Remember how mad you were Hollyweird left him out of the Oscars ‘Dead People Roundup’, as you called it? Why don’t you find ‘Apollo 13’ on Netflix, so you can remember the good times, when America did stuff. You have my password still, right?”

I would do one for CBS’ Friday primetime line-up, but no one watches that.

With luck, you’ve only missed one series between commercials, which – if it’s the end of the game – was only about 20 seconds. Good luck.