No True Raiders Fan

INT. PACIFIC-UNION CLUB – DAY

A trio of well-dressed gentlemen sit in comfortable chairs around a table in the cigar room of an exclusive private club in downtown San Francisco.  Two of them hold snifters of some kind of liquid, while the third puffs away at a cigar made of a discarded paper towel tube stuffed with candy bar wrappers.

HENDRICK: [inhaling sharply] It appears that Athos has arrived….[puffs again]…followed by Porthos…[coughs slightly]…and that would be a rather dramatic entrance from Aramis, but well-joined, sir, well joined.

XAVIER: I’ll be honest, I’d not expected to see you gentlemen today on account of the Warriors victory celebration.  I had thought you’d be participating.

WINCHESTER: In due time.  I’m keeping my powder dry for the parade.

HENDRICK: Ground cathinones?

WINCHESTER: Mostly.  And some magnesium sulfate.

XAVIER: So true bath salts.

WINCHESTER: Indeed. [raises glass] I strive for authenticity.

HENDRICK: Speaking of truth, I’d meant to raise the point with you men.  With our beloved Raiders headed to Las Vegas, fans are struck with the inevitable question of whether or not to remain loyal to the franchise after they leave.

XAVIER: No doubt you are aware of young Master Carr’s thoughts on the matter?

HENDRICK: That what inspired my ruminations.  [in a passable imitation of Derek Carr’s voice] “We’re not going to split up like you’ve seen other cities do. We’re not going to do things like that. For the ones that do, I don’t really believe that they are true Raider fans.”  So of course it begs the question: what defines a true Raiders fan?

WINCHESTER: I think it’s fair to begin by assuming that, whether sailing freely or facing strong headwinds, a true Raiders fan attends all of the games.

HENDRICK: Not everyone has the financial wherewithal to travel at leisure as we do, gentlemen.  If a fan is unable to invest sufficient capital in Greyhound transportation futures to the Mile High City, does that make him any less of a fan?

WINCHESTER: Perhaps I’m being somewhat exclusionary.  Let’s limit it to home games in our fair Coliseum.

XAVIER: I must object to this characterization.  One of my former business partners – Lathrop Underhill, you gentlemen remember he generously supplied some of our colleagues with armament during the Clarewood Drive territorial dispute –  is currently sojourning at the facility in Lompoc.  While I doubt any among us would question his bona fides as a fan – you’ll remember his refusal to engage in any kind of dental hygiene other than bridgework and fillings because he was attempting to cultivate a silver and black themed ocular cavity – it’s quite impossible for him to attend games at this point in time.

HENDRICK: A fine example of dedication, but does he intend to follow the Raiders to Las Vegas?

XAVIER: I do believe there are outstanding warrants for him in Nevada, yes, but it’s unlikely he’ll face extradition as the State of California is laying claim to his person until 2094.

HENDRICK: In that case I believe we must conclude that he is not a true fan.

XAVIER: Perhaps we should amend that a true Raiders fan at least always watches the games.

WINCHESTER: Not so!  My better half’s cousin Macallister was blinded when brake fluid splashed in his eyes as he was cutting the brake lines of a shift foreman who had terminated his employment in response to his liberation of several pallets worth of the wharf’s finer electronics shipments.  He’s been religiously following the radio broadcasts ever since.

HENDRICK: Yes, but does he intend to support the Raiders once they have moved to Las Vegas?

WINCHESTER: Lamentably, no.  His financial state, which I would describe as “temporarily embarrassed” precludes him from purchasing the satellite radio channel that will be carrying the games.

HENDRICK: So again we must conclude that he is not a true fan.

XAVIER: This is quite a vexing question.

WINCHESTER: Indeed.

XAVIER: Perhaps we might say that a true Raiders fan represents his team at every possible opportunity?

WINCHESTER: Such as by reciting “The Autumn Wind” in place of the more traditional forms of grace at Thanksgiving dinner?

XAVIER: Or by wearing a team jersey when compelled to appear before the magistrate!

HENDRICK: [glances at the brandy snifters the other men hold] And would we extend this characterization to fans who choose more sophisticated libations in spite of the availability of team-themed cans of Bud Light?

XAVIER:  [blinks several times, smiles] Postulate cheerfully withdrawn.

WINCHESTER: To speak plainly, I’m not sure it’s a question that can be answered.

HENDRICK: Shall we quit the argument, then?

XAVIER:  [with a burst of enlightenment] And in that, perhaps, gentlemen, you have given us our answer.  [becoming more animated] A true fan never abandons attending, or watching, or listening to a game in the fourth quarter when his team is behind, because he knows that is when the greatest of the great comebacks occur.  [begins moving his hands as he talks, like an Italian] A true fan takes joy in every win, whether it leads to the hoisting of the Lombardi trophy, or breaks a losing streak that reaches back over an entire calendar year.  [he rises to his feet] A true fan never, ever, ever cheers a loss, not even when that loss solidifies draft position and guarantees access to a blue chip player.  [as he finishes he is practically yelling] It’s quite simple: a true fan never quits on his team.

WINCHESTER and HENDRICK remain in their seats, looking mildly uncomfortable. 

WINCHESTER: [glances around in embarrassment at XAVIER’s raised voice] Yes, yes, quite.

HENDRICK: Indeed, indeed.  [puffs cigar]

A chilly silence follows. 

XAVIER:  So.  Do you gentlemen have plan to visit your properties in the Seychelles this summer?

[fin]