Your “Winter Can Bite Me” MNF Open Thread

Yes, winter can bite my fat white ass.

In my neck o’ the woods, we had snow and ice this weekend, and most of it is still on the ground.  That’s because it’s still cold as shit.  I live in the south, dammit.  This isn’t supposed to happen.  Or at least not until January at the earliest!!!

Then today, I spent many hours outside in said cold, putting the outdoor Christmas lights up finally.

Sadly, I didn’t get finished yet.  Plus I don’t get to bang Beverly D’Angelo later tonight (as far as she knows).

I can’t feel my hands anymore.  That’s probably not good.  Also, I think my penis has retreated into my abdomen.  That’s probably ok, all things considered.

But winter arriving early does have its advantages.

ICYMI….

Best Game In EVAR!!!!!!!!!

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Newsworthy..Sort Of

• Giancarlo Stanton apparently had a list of teams he was unwilling to play for.  The Marlins apparently were on that list.  I get it.  The rich get richer.
• Jimbo Fisher should feel right at home in College Station.
• Dook lost and Arizona State is…well…good.  Maybe VERY good.  Bobby Hurley oughta be getting some offers soon, but he’ll hang on long enough in Tempe and hope to move on to Durham, presuming he’s good enough for long enough to prove his worth to the bluebloods there.  Krzyzewski can’t live forever…I hope.  And if/when Hurley rolls back into town here, I can actually accelerate my Dook hatred.  He’s a little fucking weasel, btw.  Very punchable.  Trust me, I’ve met the little shithead.
• Seattle wants Hockey.
• Baker Mayfield “shockingly” won the Heisman.  Hopefully he’s already looking into real estate in the Cleveland area, poor bastard.
• The NCAAFB All-America Teams were announced…

(Shameless NC State plug to follow)

…With Bradley Chubb making first team at defensive end, and Jaylen Samuels making third team at…tight end, for some reason.

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Non-Football Stuff To Watch 2Nite

NHL

Nothing national, so check your local listings.

Full Schedule

NBA

• New Orleans @ Houston – 8:00pmEST – TV: NBATV
• Toronto @ LA Clippers – 10:30pmEST – TV: NBATV

Full Schedule

NCAA Basketball

Top 25

• Drake @ (14)Minnesota – 8:00pmEST – TV: B1GN

Full Schedule

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New England @ Miami  – 8:30pmEST – TV: ESPN (+11.0, o/u 48.0)

You see that line, right?  New England an 11 pt road fav.  That’s a big line for any road team in the NFL, I don’t care who they are or who/where they’re playing.  One would have to be insane to bet that line.  Right?

We’ll see.

The ‘Phins don’t have much to celebrate this year, but at least they aren’t Cleveland.  Or even in  Cleveland.  Trust me, you’ll never see this in Cleveland on your off days…

Nonetheless, just like the rest of Week 14, this game is likely going to be laughable.

No, not like that.

Even after a five game losing streak (which they managed to break last week when the ’17 Donks showed up) Miami is actually still in the playoff hunt.  Probably not after tonight though.

Since I wrote about their non-existent bye week nearly two months ago, the ‘Phins have gotten no better on offense, and worse on defense.  That’s a bad combination when Bill and Tawmmy come to town.

Also, Jay Cutler has never beaten the P*ts anywhere he’s played, arguably with much better teams around him.  I mean, not even close…

Cutler, while playing for the Denver Broncos (once) and Chicago Bears (twice), has lost by 34, 29 and 28 points in his three tries against the Patriots.

But some folks are believing…

“We’re coming together as a team,” Dolphins defensive tackle Jordan Phillips told the Miami Herald after Miami broke a five-game losing streak with a dominating performance. “We can only go up from here.”

You’re half right there, Jordan.  But “going up” probably won’t happen this week, son.

Brady, still at the top of his game at age 40, has thrown for 26 touchdowns and 3,632 yards with just four interceptions. The Patriots are averaging 29 points per game, which ranks first in the AFC and fourth in the NFL.

Miami, on the other hand, is 26th in the league, averaging 17.4 points, which is an improvement from its last-place standing just a couple of weeks ago.

The Dolphins have not played well in prime-time games recently. For example, they are 1-7 in their past eight games on Monday Night Football.

The P*ts, love ’em or hate ’em, all they do is win, win, win.  Even if grudgingly*, one has to respect that.

*By “grudgingly”, of course I mean they need to be cleansed from teh planet.

Currently on an eight game win streak, New England can (will) clinch their 9th straight AFC East Division title with the win tonight (15th in the past 17 years, btw).  Additionally, after the Yinzers snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last night against Baltimore, the P*ts need to get this win tonight to keep pace for home field in the playoffs.  They will.  And it won’t be pretty for Miami, even at home.

Speaking of not pretty…

Anywhoooo….

It’s probably gon’ be an ugly affair tonight in South Beach unless you’re a P*ts fan (like they need this), but it is mandatory viewing for all and we still have to talk about it, of course.

‘Phins haven’t covered for 8 straight weeks, and they won’t start tonight, even at home.  I even considered moneylining them for a coupla bills at +475, but nope.  Not a chance.

Besides, where else can you make fun of me for betting $500 on a road team to beat an 11 pt spread?  Yes, you heard me correctly.

I have to try to salvage something out of this shitteh Week 14.  And I’m apparently not alone.  Since I dropped my coin on this one last night, the line has moved to +11.5, and the moneyline for Miami has stretched to +550 (And I’m still not taking that bet).

But anywhoooo….

Get to it!!!!!!  Talk!!!!!

(shut up, it’s a good song)

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