It is a dreary day in Oakland as I arrive at the ‘international’ airport. I can’t help but notice that this seems like a third world airport minus the tuk-tuks outside. As I make my way to the O.co facility I wonder how the new announcement of the new head coach has affected the soon to be moving Raiders. I am glad that internet dad has gotten me interviews with quarterbacks throughout the off season. First up is a sit down with Derek Carr which I can’t believe he set up. Apparently David sells tires down his way and owed him a favoUr.
I get led through the facility by a large man who I believe just came from a lifetime cosplay convention. We are being forced to step over what i think are drifters sleeping in the mezzanine however they are PSA holders and they get to stay until they leave for Las Vegas then I guess they have squatters rights.
I enter a dark gloomy room with some candles in the corner and some deeply dark music.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLW22B5R3Mc]
LC – Derek? I mean, Mr. Carr, are you here?
DC – Over here, who are you?
LC – A dickjoker for Door Flies Open and sent to do an offseason profile of qb’s and since you guys are already in the offseason we thought that this would be a good place to start.
DC – Sigh, proceed.
LC – In the preseason you guys were picked as the next breakout team, what happened?
DC – The season was stolen from us.
LC – Stolen? Is this a Talib joke because you aren’t the most jovial right now?
DC – Stolen like so much innocence in our lives, sometimes I ask why we even exist?
LC – Are you questioning why the Raiders exist?
DC – Deeper than that, sometimes you just have to wonder if it is even worth it?
LC – Well your contract seems to show me that it is worth it for you, unless you break your neck or something.
DC – We will all leave this wasteland and then there will be nothing. So what is the point?
LC – Why the hell is it so dark in here? Seems to me that the darkness absorbs you and makes things more bleak. It is a downward spiral Derek.
DC – Whatever, want a drink?
LC – Umm sure, I am more of a combustibles guy but when in Rome.
DC pours out two goblets of something dark crimson.
LC – Ooh is this Bulgarian “Bull’s Blood”? I love big red wines. So Mr. Carr how do you feel abou-
DOOR FLIES OPEN
JG – HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN BOYS? JESUS IT’S DARK IN HERE! WE ARE GOING TO CHANGE THAT IMMEDIATELY! ALL THIS DARKNESS WILL BE REPLACED BY BRIGHT ORANGE NEON, OUR CHEERLEADERS WILL ALL DO INTERNSHIPS AT HOOTERS! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT SAD BOY?
DC – Do you not see we are at the end of times?
JG – END TIMES??? OH WE ARE JUST STARTING! DO YOU FEEL THAT? THAT IS THE INTENSITY FROM MY LOINS AND IT WILL SPREAD!
LC – Uh, Coach do you want to burn one so that you level out? You seem pretty wound up.
JG – SEE THIS GUY LITRE COLA, I CALL HIM CATARACTS CUZ HE CAN’T SEE THE FOREST FIRE BECAUSE OF BURNING TREE
LC – That doesn’t make any sense, but can I continue?
JG – HELL NO, THIS IS MY TOWN NOW, YOU DEBBIE DOWNERS WANT A CORONA? TURN SOME LIGHTS ON IN HERE, FIRE UP SOME BUFFETT AND WE GOT OURSELVES A SLICE OF CABO!
DC – Can you just leave me alone?
LC – I haven’t even asked any questions about the past season yet.
JG – I GOT A QUESTION! WHY YOU WEARING MASCARA? YOU SOME KIND OF DANDY FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAY?
DC – That is hurtful and actually not politically correct. Can you guys just leave me alone to contemplate my existence?
JG – HELL NO EMO BOY WE HAVE WORK TO DO. I AM BRINGING IN A NEW QB COACH WHO KNOWS HOW TO WIN! YOU MIMES EVER HEARD OF SUPER BOWL CHAMPION BRAD JOHNSON?
DC – He was one of the worst quarterbacks to ever win a superbowl.
LC – We? I don’t even work here.
JG – YOU DO NOW HAILE SELASSIE, YOU’RE NOW THE CTE EXAMINER AND I’M GUNNA NEED YOU TO SIT THERE AND SHUT IT. OUR MEDICAL STAFF CAN REMOVE YOUR TONGUE IF WE HAVE TO, HELL I KNOW A GUY WHO HAS NO TONGUE BUT STILL PLEASURES THE LADIES. HELL OF GUY THAT RICO.
LC – Coach, I am sorry but I only have a French degree and am NOT a doctor so I don’t see how this will fly with the league office, and like I said I don’t even work here.
JG – OOH LALA LOOK WHAT WE GOT HERE, YOU WILL NOW BE MISTER FERMEZ YOUR GODDAMN BOUCHE AND TOW THE COMPANY LINE MY FRIEND. SEE THIS SHOE? GOT A BOTTLE OPENER ON THE SOLE! THAT IS GENIUS MUCHACHO!
LC: Is this a paying position?
DC – Maybe I should just end it all.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuuObGsB0No]
LOL some of my neighbors are outside shoveling. my roommates thinks its hilarious…. like trying to sweep the water back into the ocean while at the beach.
Litre_cola is wayyyyyyy over qualified to be a CTE examiner in the NFL.
/ I picture most of them as Dr Nick
Hi everybody!
I don’t know whether to applaud or cut myself.
Great goddamn work!
Somehow I cut myself while applauding, maybe I should become a Browns’ fan.
This is just tremendous work, you filthy Canuck. Emo Carr is perfect, and Coach Gruden is like a slightly more literate Coach Ryan.
And Rico does seem like a hell of a guy.
Again, bravo.
Brilliant! I’m guessing Carr got into Mark Davis’s stash of old magazines.
He also subscribes to this one:
“Non-Threatening Boys” is also a valid description of all the quarterbacks the Cleveland Browns have drafted since the franchise was resurrected.
Maybe Al Davis is trying to come back to of life and is doing so by sucking the life out of DC, Voldemort styles
Man I loved Life In Hell
For some reason, I want to run through a goddammed wall now!
/slaps litre_cola on the derrière. HARD
I like to make the Transformers sound when I change from my jeans into my sweatpants.
realized I gotta start using the word “dandy” in more everyday conversation with my friends.
My brother in law uses it and I think it is superb.
Things I had to google in this post:
Haile Selassie
Tuk-Tuks
Mr. Firmez until I realized it was a shut your mouth joke from a French major.
The only reason I didn’t have to look up Selassie is I just finished reading Bob Marley’s biography.
WAT? You?
*Italians were friendly and brought pizza to Ethiopia.
The song choices are exquisite. Top notch!!