Tales from the Meteor! O’er the Land of the Free…

Editor’s Note: Here at DFO, many of us are not satisfied with the Super Bowl matchup. For some of us, this is because we hate both teams at a level that rivals Eli Manning’s hatred of the cooties. For others, our seething hatred of one team is more than enough to overwhelm our relative indifference for the other, leading to a Super Bowl we simply have no interest in watching. As such, we’ve been fantasizing about scenarios that might take place that would prevent the game from being played at all. These are our stories.

The Pentagon, about 6:22 PM local time.

Air Force General: Pilot, you are still on line for the flyover during the National Anthem. Slow to 200 knots in order to properly time your approach.

B-2 Pilot: Roger that.

Meanwhile, in Minneapolis…

PA Announcer: And now, all rise for the presentation of our colors.

While the colors are being presented, a couple of players take a knee.

At the Pentagon, the Air Force General receives a phone call and picks up the phone.

AF General: Hello? Oh, hello sir. Yes. Yes. I understand, yes sir. (He hangs up.) Airman! Is that camera drone weaponized?

Airman (watching the activities via drone cam): Yes sir.

AF General: Good. We have a direct order to neutralize the players kneeling. Arm it and fire when ready.

Back in Minneapolis…

Pink: Oh, say can you see…

The drone fires… and misses its intended target, hitting another player in the knee. He falls onto it in pain.

AF General: Great, now there’s another one. Neutralize them both.

Pink: By the dawn’s early light…

The drone fires… and misses again, hitting another player in the knee, who falls to it.

AF General: Is the drone defective?

Airman: I don’t know, sir, perhaps the TV camera is throwing off its balance?

AF General: Regardless, fire at will until all threats are neutralized!

Pink: What so proudly we hailed…

The drone fires… and misses a third time, this time hitting Rob Gronkowski in the head. He is unaffected.

Pink: At the twilight’s last gleaming?

The drone fire hits one of the people holding the giant flag in the knee. They drop.

Pink: Whose broad stripes and bright stars…

The next shot hits Tom Brady. He falls to a knee. As the camera is on him.

AF General: This is a disaster. Get off that drone, airman! You clearly can’t handle it. (The phone rings again.) Hello? Yes sir, we see what’s going on. …Are you sure, sir? The casualties would be in the tens of thousands, almost all of them innocents. …Okay. I understand, yes sir. Pilot, there has been a change of instructions. Arm your weapons. When you are over the flyover site, release your payload.

B-2 Pilot: But sir!

AF General: That is a direct order. Do you understand?

B-2 Pilot: Yes sir. I understand. Arming.

Pink: …Were so gallantly streaming?

AF General: Fire.

Pink: And the rocket’s red glaaaaare…

B-2 Pilot: Payload released.

Pink: The bombs bursting in…

Fin.