This EPL season has been underwhelming. Manchester City has been a buzzsaw, practically tying up the title three months in advance. Man City does not play today.

In La Liga, Barcelona had been tearing it up, but it’s now a two team race. Atlético Madrid is only five points back with 12 games to play. Neither team plays today.

So today’s slate features teams vying only for table position, whether to avoid relegation or enter next year’s European tournaments. And, with at least ten games to go, there’s really not much urgency—especially if a team has a Champions League elimination game next Tuesday or Wednesday. So the intensity of today’s games might suffer. It’s all about stakes: today we get penny antes.

As always, all times Central; games per my TV.

LA LIGA

Sevilla (5^th) vs. Athletic Bilbao (12^th)  – 9:15 AM (BeIn Sports)

Sevilla sucks at home, and plays at Manchester United on Tuesday at the Champions League. Athletic Bilbao is stuck in mid-table, but starts its Europa League journey on Thursday at Marseille. I’m calling it: Sevilla 1 – 0 Athletic Bilbao, in a game I’d rather not watch.

Leganés (16^th) vs. Málaga (20^th) – 11:30 AM (BeIn Sports)

Oh man, Málaga… In my early 20s, I spent a summer in Málaga for a “study” program. I got a room in a boarding house, but the racist owners wouldn’t let me use their washing machine. Not even for pay, a helluva dick move considering there were no laundromats… Anywhere! Some fellow students, of the hot-girl variety, volunteered: they washed AND IRONED all of my clothes, including my undies—which awed them. (To clarify: despite my wardrobe being described at the time as “butch lesbian”, for several years I had asked my parents for fancy boxers on every Xmas and birthday.) Word got around, and I’ve never, ever, EVER been more popular with the ladies. I also got the stink eye from every guy in the program:

That memory better be a part of the loop, when full senility sets in.

Anyway, Málaga is the visitor in this one. In fútbol, it’s customary for the home team to be listed first. Balls reminded us recently of that one, and is also the author of the legendary underwear post. Full circle baby!

Real Madriz (3^rd) vs. Getafe CF (10^th)  – 1:35 PM (BeIn Sports)

Every Real loss feels like a shower with Herbal Essences Schadenfreude Paradise:

Last Wednesday’s loss at Espanyol, Real’s fellow right-wingers in Catalonia, was especially sweet. It even left Real’s manager, Zinedine Zidane, in shock (via elpais.com): “I don’t know what’s happening to us. Fútbol, sometimes, you don’t understand it. Difficult moments must be accepted.” Can’t help feeling sad about Zizou being flustered, what with him being a god both as a player and manager. Still, fuck ‘em. I hope Sergio Ramos gets an elbow in the face.

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Burnley FC (7^th) vs. Everton (9^th!) – 6:30 AM (NBC Sports)

Goddammit! Every fútbol Saturday I get Burnley and I’ve already used all my material—the FA Cup loss to a FIF division team, coach Louis CK, the British Titans… Don’t get me wrong: I’m not above repeating lame bits, but Burnley just begs an autotext: still far better table placement than deserved, still in minus goal difference (-3), and still less than a goal a game (22 in 28 matches). In the last ten games, Burnley has drawn five and lost five—and it’s still seventh on the EPL. 7^th!

In kinda-Everton news, this still makes me lose my shit:

Tottenham Hotspur (4^th) vs. Huddersfield (14^th)  – 8:56? AM (NBC Sports)

Spurs hosts Juventus for the Champions League on Wednesday, but can’t falter in the EPL. Chelsea, at 5^th place, is behind by only two points—but Tottenham is HAWT: undefeated in the last ten EPL games, with 7 wins and three draws. Huddersfield has a -23 in goal differential and less than a goal a game. Teams like that deserve a 5-0 beating every now and then.

Leicester City (8^th) vs. Bournemouth (11^th)  – 9:00 AM

The Cherries have collected 16 points in the last ten games, more than top-six Chelsea (15) and Arsenal (12). Lester is limping through the back end of the season, but have something to look forward to: hosting Chelsea on a FA Cup quarterfinal later in March. This smells like a 0-0 super slog.

Swansea City (18^th) vs. West Ham United (13^th)  – 9:00 AM

The Swans have dug out of an early hole and stand a good chance of remaining on the EPL. Yes, they’re 18^th, but have the same points (27) as two teams above it. West Ham is not terrible, which is adequate praise for any English team outside the top five.

Watford (10^th) vs. West Bromwich Albion (20^th)  – 9:00 AM

West Brom fans’ favorite board game:

Southampton (a worse than it looks 16^th) vs. Stoke City (19^th) – 9:00 AM

Any team in the Copa Libertadores would kick the sorry ass of any of these teams. And hey, Soton: get relegated already.

Liverpool (3^rd) vs. Newcastle United (a soft 15^th) – 11:30 AM (NBC Sports)

Damn, Newcastle’s kinda mediocre now. Liverpool, however,

Finally, I’m guessing there’s some college basketball games toda—OH MY GOD!

Better leave this to the experts. Have a great Saturday.

Gifs via giphy.com & tenor.com; substance-y stuff via soccerstats.com.