Your “Whaddya Mean I Gotta Pay Extra For Butter?!” Monday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Antonio Cromartie has announced his retirement.
    • It’ll be easier to go on the lam from child support that way, now that potential claimants don’t know where he’ll be 16 Sundays of the year.
  • In the “DEAR GOD – NO!” department, for its new Thursday Night broadcasts, FOX is looking at having
    • Troy Aikman on pre-game
    • Peyton Manning on colour in the booth
    • The logic is that they want to have a set Thursday Night team, apart from the usual Sunday chucklefuckery, but also want a link to their established crews.
      • They want people to tune in not for the games, but for the announce team that will hold their interest during a Bengals-Browns classic matchup.
  • The rumoured list of suitors for Kirk Cousins is down to four:
    • Broncos
    • Cardinals
    • Vikings
    • Jets
      • who are frightened at the prospect of losing out on the whole deal, because all they have to fall back on is: [checks notes] 
        • Christian Hackenberg
        • Bryce Petty
        • Joel Stave

  • If you give any fucks about the spectacle 40’s from the Combine: (I’m not linking)
    • Rich Eisen: 5.97
    • Roger Goodell: 5.41

Finally, in terms of watching actual spectacles unfold,

  • Jerry Jones is appealing the NFL’s decision to levy a reimbursement against him

  • The Steelers are expected to franchise-tag Le’Veon Bell for a second time, ahead of Tuesday’s deadline.


I saw “Red Sparrow” on the weekend with Mrs. WineWife, and – 18 hours later – I’m not sure if I liked it. I didn’t hate it, but it was one of those movies that made itself more about the twists than the actual plot. Everything made sense, but it felt convoluted for the sake of trying to be arty.

I get why people think it could have been a “Black Widow” movie. It had the classic Russian “spy training school” bits, complete with the “Your body belongs to the state, and you will use it how the state demands” rejoinder. The vaunted J-Law nude scene comes during this section, but be warned – you have to get through some penises to get there, and it’s “plot nudity”, not gratuitous nudity. It makes her point about being liberated after the “Fappening”.

This is actually sexier.

Once you get into the whole espionage aspect of the film, this is where the relationship to Black Widow actually disappears. There was the traditional flitting between European capitals, and general spy intrigue that comes along with films like this. But that by-the-book stuff still got wrapped up in the “Wait, I thought that guy was the target. Who’s this guy?!” movement of the plot. At least when you see Scar-Jo on screen, you have an idea where the plot is going, and who is kicking whom’s ass. Plus there’s one scene that, when you see the character involved, makes you think that this movie has a crossover to “Red”.

The whole scene played out that way. It was a bit jarring to the overall feel of the movie.

It wasn’t a waste of time – everything kept the same pace, there were few dead spots, some of the violence was graphic but contextual, and Jeremy Irons is underused but solid like always. If you want a comparison, the first half of the movie played like Black Widow’s hallucination from “Age of Ultron”, combined then with William Hurt’s character from “Gorky Park” in the second half. On the whole, I rate this movie a “Netflix” – you need to see it uncut, because the US TV edits will keep it from making sense. If you go on a half-price Tuesday, that’s also about right.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Flames at Penguins – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Leafs at Sabres – 7:30PM | NBCSN
  • NBA:
    • Pistons vs. Cavaliers – 7:00PM | NBA TV / TSN2
    • Trail Blazers vs. Lakers – 10:30 | NBA TV / TSN2
  • NCAA:
    • Men’s tournaments:
      • Horizon League:
        • Oakland vs. Cleveland State – 7:00PM | ESPNU
        • Wright State vs. Wisconsin (Milwaukee) – 9:00PM | ESPNU
      • MAAC: Iona vs. Fairfield – 7:00PM | ESPN
      • Southern Conference: North Carolina (Greensboro) vs. East Tennessee State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
      • West Coast: Gonzaga vs. San Francisco – 9:00PM | ESPN
    • Women’s tournaments:
      • Big East: DePaul vs. Georgetown – 6:30PM | FS1
      • American Athletic: Connecticut vs. Cincinnati – 7:00PM | ESPN2
      • Big 12: Baylor vs. Texas – 9:00PM | FS1
  • WWE:
    • RAW – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

The franchise-tag deadline is 4:00PM ET Tuesday. It will be interesting to see who gets the label. We can discuss that tomorrow, when we know what the final list will look like. SO MANY POTENTIAL HOLDOUTS!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

Reminder to hydrate. I woke up last night dry as a bone.

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Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

Matt, Brought Back

Spoiler

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I don’t think he gives any fucks whatsoever.

Unsurprised

That’s scarier than if he were carrying guns and knives and was covered in blood.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hi. I’ve been up for 18.5 hours so I’m just going to go to bed now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

OMG, the earth IS flat!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; it’s conceptually like a dual monitor; they go off one edge, then the appear suddenly on the other edge…… well, except for Capt’n Cook……

clint greasewood

♫ When I put a spike into my vein
And I tell you things aren’t quite the same

When I’m rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus’ son ♫

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Poetry, man.”

– Todd Marinovich

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, they did it. They brought back Matt.

It make me uncomfortable to have a potential reason to go read things at Uproxx.

https://uproxx.com/sports/2018-nfl-combine-scouting-results-offensive-linemen-defensive-linemen-adult-sons/click=https://t.co/47ldYBc2e4

EDIT: because Uproxx is the internet equivalent of ValueJet, the twitter link to them does not work. https://uproxx.com/sports/2018-nfl-combine-scouting-results-offensive-linemen-defensive-linemen-adult-sons/

Mr. Ayo

An Ufford post is worth it. Although it still feels slimy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Saying it doesn’t exist. I searched for Ufford, and most recent thing I found was a Frotcast from last year.

EDIT: Nevermind. Figured it out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

404 Page Not Found

Sorry, the page you were looking for has either moved, is no longer available or the URL you entered was incorrect. Please visit our home page to continue your search.

Senor Weaselo

The P*ts lose a Superb Owl, they bring back Matt, what’s next for this year?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

I specified this year!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The gif responses still apply.

Brick Meathook

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The Union Pacific “Big Boys” were designed exclusively to haul large freight consists up and over the 1.14% Wasatch climb in Wyoming. When doing this they consumed 28 tons of coal and 24000 gallons of water per hour.

rockingdog

Cool movie review. I’m out.
Last funny:

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yes, one lid please.”

– Josh Gordon

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

Connor McHockey? Cool nickname!!!
The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey’s Al Bundy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaTlJW9nVrA

rockingdog

Found another funny:

Andy Reid likes cheese:
https://twitter.com/FourVerts/status/970785834227167233

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Senor Weaselo

That’s before he makes it, btw. He eats all those cheeses.

Unsurprised

One of the replies says Reid was originally going to be seven cheeses, but then he thought five would do. So, yeah, this is the appetizer recipe.

Unsurprised

he has an unfathomable amount of recipes saved on his phone.

— charles mcdonald (@FourVerts) March 5, 2018

Of course he does.

rockingdog

sports/The Office funny.
Also LOL this really happened!!!!!and he thanked a Brand in his speech!!!!!! bahahaha

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WCS

Actually, it was John Mellencamp winning an Oscar.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But that joke is not as funny.

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

The sea was angry that day my friends.

Gratliff

TIL Michigan State UNIVERSITY Police have fucking armored vehicles
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Yep.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They only use the military equipment for peaceful protests. No where to be seen at mass shootings.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Or when white right wingers occupy government facilities.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But we’re fine.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was seriously disappointed that the federal government didn’t use the Bundy standoff as an opportunity to demonstrate how pitifully pathetic those guys and their “tactical” AR-15’s would be against a U.S. military that treated them like a serious threat.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A few of them are ex-military. But yeah; a couple of squads, at night. We’d need a new building, but well worth it.

Unsurprised

Multiple buildings.

And God damn that whole Malheur thing pisses me off.

SonOfSpam

Three things about Jeremy Irons:

1) He is always great.
2) The movie he’s in will probably be underwhelming.
3) His name is an anagram for “Jeremy’s iron”

WCS

Die Hard With a Vengeance kicked ass. Lolita was… well…

JustStopDude

“Dungeons & Dragons”…his scene chewing in that shit fest was just wonderful.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I didn’t really care for either; he is always a professional and does well. Even in the bad ones (several) he does very well. Sometimes it seems he is thinking “Really? That is in the script?” but he owns it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Should not have remade Lolita, but that is what they do.

Senor Weaselo

4) His words are a matter of pride.

Unsurprised

Eh.

Spoiler

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Unsurprised

She clearly didn’t put a lot of vigor into those hand jobs if her arms still look as weak as mine.
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Gratliff

WE’RE FINALLY GETTING TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu6A312f8AQ

Senor Weaselo

And then they tased a guy, bro.

Unsurprised

Semi-relevant

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(Damn it. I don’t want to edit out those errant frames, but it’s fucking annoying to see them.)

rockingdog

that ride looks niceeeee…….oh wait its an award?

Unsurprised

The Teen Choice Award. Yeah.

Unsurprised

Holy Fuck It’s Only Monday

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Mr. Ayo
rockingdog

Righttttt.
Yo…..thats how it is. Poetry.

Unsurprised

Your criticism of Red Sparrow is duly noted.

Jets
who are frightened at the prospect of losing out on the whole deal, because all they have to fall back on is: [checks notes]
Christian Hackenberg
Bryce Petty
Joel Stave

Gee, if only there were a Super Bowl-caliber QB out in the wilderness.

Senor Weaselo

Buuuuuut… Jets.

Unsurprised

They’re so stupid they wouldn’t even need to fall back on the blackballing edict.

Brick Meathook

Tebow!

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s actually an excellent job of protecting the face. I broke my nose because I wasn’t nearly as quick to get my hands out there.

Gratliff

After all the drama up here about Richard Spencer’s MSU appearance, he drew eleven (11, Dozen-Minus-One) people. That just warms my heart.

SonOfSpam

If he didn’t get punched in the head, it’s a disappointment.

Gratliff

He won’t put himself anywhere near the action these days, but here’s one of his followers catching hands
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SonOfSpam

HOOK IT TO MY VEINS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pow, right in the kisser!

/just kidding, we all know Brendan Dassey has kissed more girls in the last five years than that guy.

Brick Meathook

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Gratliff

I am very happy that Hulk Hogan Featuring Hillbilly Jim is going into the Hall.

JustStopDude

I really don’t get Goldberg going in. Yeah he was a big name…at a time when WCW was a shitshow. The dude never learned how to wrestle. Hell, he was such a danger, he hurt himself.

Gratliff

In a class that includes Jeff Jarrett, there is no wrestler you could put in that would surprise me.

JustStopDude
Gratliff

Youtube’s recommendations really speaking to me lately
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JustStopDude

You know who is really going to get buried by everyone when he dies?

Dave Meltzer. That shit is going to be epic. That dude has buried and ruined more careers than both Vince’s and Bischoff combined. I’ve never heard a good word about him from any retired wrestler.

Gratliff

I completely missed the boat on Meltzer because I never understood the need for a wrestling critic. Everything I see of him sounds shockingly self-absorbed and unnecessary. He’s like those dipshit wrestling fans that go to every show and try to be a character as a fan, but in written form. It’ll be worth it if he dies in Japan, though, so we can all make 5 star jokes.

JustStopDude

What makes me laugh is he bases so much of his shtick on hearsay. A lot of his content is just his fans are just submitting reports to him and he takes them at face value.

It amazes me because his base takes his content like its reality 24/7 and every time he is wrong, he goes with the “I was right, but then they found out I knew, so they changed the show up at the last moment”.

He is basically an unaffiliated version of those 1-900 numbers WCW used to run. Its a brilliant game he has going because no matter what he says, he is right…

JustStopDude

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Black Reign is superior to Golddust…

Fight me…

Gratliff

Never forget
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Unsurprised

I want to beat up my younger self for ever liking wrestling.

Unsurprised

Midnight. RIder.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Unsurprised

Ronald Reagan kicked off his 1980 campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi talking about states’ rights – in the town where three Freedom Riders were lynched. So this is entirely apt, and why my position is unequivocally, “Fuck the 80s. The 80s sucked ass.”

Brick Meathook

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JustStopDude

AJ Styles…

On Styles’ right torso, underneath the giant “AJ,” there are several dates: 05-03-05, 02-14-07, 09-15-09, and 10-08-14. These are the birthdays of his four children, who were born in 2005, 2007, 2009 and 2014. And the giant letters above them don’t just represent his own name; they also represent the initials of all four of his children, who are named Ajay Jones, Avery Jones, Albey Jones and Anney Jones.

Is it any wonder this man thinks there is something to the flat earth theory?

Gratliff

Also, not a huge fan of the gay community, specifically the fact that they find him and his fucking soccer mom haircut extremely fuckable.

JustStopDude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3miK-gJtCU

This always makes me giggle…

Gratliff

I will never not love how he just immediately devolves into the entire Reno 911 sheriff’s department in that segment

Senor Weaselo

“Why didn’t he just name them all George?” -George Foreman

Romonobyl

Had my annual physical yesterday. The Doc tells my that I’m apparently an agnostic suffering from insomnia and dyslexia.
I guess that’s why I stay up many nights pondering the existence of Dog.

JustStopDude

You get the prostate check?

I really like my doc, but I will never understand why he talks to me while he is doing that check. I can’t fucking focus on a conversation with a hand up my ass.

Romonobyl

Hand? You might wanna make a phone call…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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JustStopDude

Cena still rocking the jorts?

JustStopDude

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JustStopDude

Wait…white people don’t know who killed Tupac and Biggie?

It was Puffy. He had the most to gain. I thought everyone knew this…

Gratliff

Ronda’s Kefka Palazzo eye makeup is really bothering me too
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JustStopDude

Kurt Angle is still wrestling?

I thought between the horrific toll on his body, along with his serious drinking problem, he was you know…trying to survive to reach his 50’s…

Gratliff

He’s broken his neck so many times that it’s basically unbreakable now, I guess. That being said, when he’s not looking completely unhuman trying to speak, he’s looked surprisingly good in ring. He had a cage match with Dusty Rhodes’ kid like 3 days before he was put in the WWE HoF last year.

JustStopDude

I had a coworker complaining that Ronda was ruining her potential by leaving MMA and going into wrestling.

I suspect he hasn’t watched her last couple of fights. I think its a brilliant move by her but she should be smart and follow Brock’s example of doing a big fight and then sitting out for a while.

I don’t understand why the WWE doesn’t do this more…cycling talent in and out as oppose to just using them until everyone is bored with them. Plus it would actually let people heal the fuck up.

Gratliff

It’s weird with Brock, because it doesn’t feel like it’s a foregone conclusion he’s gonna get murdered when he goes back in. The speed in which we all agreed that Rousey was exposed was fascinating.

Gratliff

And now I realize we were discussing the WWE thing, not the MMA thing, but really. Brock’s ability to just disappear and come back wherever he wants is uncanny.

JustStopDude

His MMA fight history is not exactly impressive. UFC’s heavy weights have always been hit or miss in terms of quality. He split a set of fights with Frank Mir.

I suspect he won’t be coming back to the Octagon any time soon because he can’t pass a fucking drug test and he isn’t dominate so the chances of him getting seriously hurt is getting higher.

He is smart however by not sticking around in WWE for any considerable length of time because he cannot do a promo and the dude is a potential PR mess the longer he is in the limelight.

Gratliff

It always surprises me how badly he wants to go back and fight, given that he’s notoriously bad at taking damage for a guy his size. You’d think he’d just be happy with the fact he’s been heavyweight champion and move along, since he actually has a whole other career he can fall back on and basically do whatever the fuck he wants. He no-showed last Monday and the punishment was they had his opponent cut a slightly meaner than usual promo.

JustStopDude

To me, it makes as much sense as him trying to get into the NFL at this point.

The paydays aren’t going to be huge. UFC is not doing very well. He still has to be in shape and it still takes a toll on his body doing pro-wrestling, but its not the same brutal damage.

He may as well get the easier payday and seriously be managing his money because lord knows he cannot translate this into a movie or tv career.

Its kind of amazing how big he is in MMA and wrestling but he has no real crossover ability. Like Kurt, you could put him into a movie. Hell, I think you could get Rhonda into a movie with enough work. Brock…I am not sure.

Senor Weaselo

Don’t you mean “if,” considering it seems he gets hit with a doping ban every time?

Gratliff

TFW you totally give a fuck about USADA
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Gratliff

She’s all over the fucking place. Oof.

Royal Rumble: Confused Mute Who Really Liked the Wrestlemania Sign
Elimination Chamber: Idiot Child Just Learning How to Speak
Monday after: Unstoppable badass striking fear into the heart of the boss who’d dare cross her
Tonight: Everything that isn’t the badass promo from last Monday.

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh man the kid on the blue board is gonna get his face pounded in when he gets to the beach.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup

Gratliff

Jonathan Coachman goes crawling back to WWE who immediately give him the boot when he’s named in the ESPN harassment suit. If only they had that sort of initiative with some of their other talent, such as Vince McMahon.

Gratliff

Or not. That’s what I get for listening to Twitter.

JustStopDude

How does one fire the owner?

Gratliff

With a cannon preferably.

WCS

Lotta money given away on Wheel o’ Fortune tonight.

Senor Weaselo

Not that I’ve tried it before, but it’s probably your own damn fault if you’re paying extra for butter and doing the ol’ hole in the popcorn container trick.
/Do people actually do that? Sounds painful, especially if there is butter involved!

Wakezilla

Wife and I are watching New Girl on Netflix. Last night, we saw Sonequa Martin-Green (Sasha on Walking Dead) play Winston’s girlfriend. In New Girl, she plays a prank artist who takes things too far. From that scope, it’s actually kind of amusing to think of Sasha as this woman and when she killed herself, it was one last hilarious prank.

scotchnaut

I don’t watch movies in theaters very often but one of my sonny boys dragged me to ‘Game Night’ yesterday and I laughed my ass off. Surprisingly tight joke writing that more than excuses some aspects of the action scenes.

Game Time Decision

The ackward scenes with the neighbor are awesome