WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?! FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT HAS AWAKENED BOLTMAN FROM HIS DEEP, DARK SLUMBER WITHIN THE BOWELS OF SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION QUALCOMM JACK MURPHY STADIUM, DEMANDING HIS DECREE ON THE DAILY HAPPENINGS OF THE MORTAL WORLD OF THE ACCURSED NFL! BOLTMAN WILL ASSURE YOU ALL THAT FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT’S MESSENGER MET A SLOW AND PAINFUL END, AS HIS BONES WERE REMOVED AND ORGANS LIQUEFIED, BUT SINCE BOLTMAN IS ALREADY AWAKE, THIS ONE MIGHT AS WELL BRING YOU ALL THE DOOM AND DEVASTATION REQUESTED:
- BUFFALO BILLS GUARD, DICK INVISIBLE, HAS DECREED THAT HE IS LEAVING THIS REALM AS THE FRAIL CREATURE IS CONCERNED ABOUT HIS REMAINING TIME ON THIS MORTAL COIL
- BOLTMAN FINDS THIS MOVE TO BE FOOLISH, AS ALL HUMANS TIME ON THIS WATER COVERED AND HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE PLANET IS NEARING ITS END
- HOWEVER, BOLTMAN DOES ENJOY THIS HUMAN’S EXTREME SELF-LOATHING AND LOOKS FORWARD TO HIM MAKING HIS WAY REMINDING OTHERS JUST EXACTLY HOW USELESS AND PATHETIC THEIR KIND IS
- BOLTMAN FINDS THIS MOVE TO BE FOOLISH, AS ALL HUMANS TIME ON THIS WATER COVERED AND HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE PLANET IS NEARING ITS END
- UCLA [Spits powder blue liquid on ground, which bursts into flames] QUARTEREDBACK JOSH ROSEN THINKS HE IS BIG, TOUGH BIPEDAL MAMMAL BUT WISHES TO BECOME THE GOAT
- BOLTMAN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN BREEDING RITUALS, BUT WOULD ENJOY HELPING HIM BECOME THE HYBRID HE DESIRES TO BE
- TODAY IS NATIONAL HUMAN SIBLING DAY, AND THE TREACHEROUS NFL WANTS TO PRANCE ITS MOST SUCCESSFUL BLOOD RELATED [Licks lips] DUOS BEFORE YOUR EYES IN A MOST UNNECESSARY AND SELF-PRESERVING WAY
- SUCH WRETCHES INCLUDE:
- TIKI AND RONDE BARBER – BOLTMAN HAS NO HAIR AND HAS NO NEED OF THIS HUMAN TRADE. BEGONE!
- MICHAEL AND MARTELLUS BENNETT – BOLTMAN FINDS THEIR ANTICS AND HATRED OF THE DISGRACEFUL KING ROGER AMUSING
- PEYTON AND ELI MANNING – [Eyes narrow, pounds fist into open hand] BOLTMAN OWES THE TODDLER MANNING AN APOLOGY FOR REFUSING TO BECOME A SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGER… FOLLOWED BY THE FATE OF BEING SEWN TO HIS GROTESQUE AND DEFORMED BROTHER’S HEAD FOR THE REST OF THEIR PITIFUL EXISTENCE
- DAVID AND DEREK CARR – [Slowly building laugh that ends in an insane cackle]
- MIKE AND MAURKICE POUNCEY – THE ELDEST WILLINGLY WEARS THE MARK OF THE HERETIC! BOLTMAN SENTENCES HIS ENTIRE BLOODLINE TO ETERNAL TORMENT AND DEFILING!
- SUCH WRETCHES INCLUDE:
- FINALLY, BOLTMAN WISHES ALL TO SEE THE LATEST FROM THE PATRIARCH AND MATRIARCH OF THE SEAU CLAN, WITH MANY THANKS FOR BROODING BOLTMAN’S FAVORITE SUUUUPPPEERRRR CHARGER! [Stands at attention and salutes]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp02z7eh4gU
SINCE THE HORRIBLE DAY OF THE ELECTRIC EXODUS, BOLTMAN HAS DEVOTED HIS MOST ROCKIN’ POWER TO BRING DOOM AND DESTRUCTION UPON ALL VENTURES SPANOS. PART OF THAT FOREBODING FAILURE IS TO PAY ATTENTION TO OTHER “SPORTS BALL” EVENTS THAT HUMANS CONSUME, LIKE FISH TACOS WITH MANGO SALSA!
HERE ARE TONIGHT’S BOUTS, THAT BOLTMAN HOPES ALL END IN UNENDING BLOODSHED! [Puts up double horns, head bangs]
- MLB:
- N.Y. Yankees at Boston 4 p.m. PST (Only national game – ESPN)
- L.A. Angels at Texas 5 p.m. PST
- SAN DIEGO at Colorado 5:40 p.m. PST
- Arizona at San Francisco 7 p.m. PST
- Oakland at L.A. Dodgers 7 p.m. PST
BOLTMAN HOPES TO ENJOY ANOTHER ROUTE OF THE COLORADO STONEY MOUNTAINS AS HIS SWINGING ACOLYTE PRIESTS MEET IN THEIR HEATHEN TEMPLE! MAY THEY BRING A SWIFT END TO THE ENEMY AND USE THEIR BONES FOR BATS!
FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT SHOULD RETURN TO HIS NORMAL NEWSING DUTIES TOMORROW, UNLESS BOLTMAN FINDS HIM FIRST! BOLTMAN OUT! [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP and disappears in flash of lightning]
http://www.cleveland.com/nation/index.ssf/2018/04/pennsylvania_school_district_g.html
These will work great against an AR-15.
http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/news/mlb-white-sox-rays-play-in-front-of-abysmal-crowd-974-orioles-white-sox/1r9nzkorcy9nr15hxkqypbw6nb
Reason #2953 why I love sports:
Andre Ingram, a 32-year-old math tutor who has played 384 games in the NBA’s minor leagues over the last 10 years, made his NBA debut on Tuesday night off the Lakers bench and caught fire early, finishing with 19 points, three rebounds, one assist, one steal, three blocks and four 3-pointers on 6-of-8 shooting in 29 minutes.
His wife and kids were on hand, he made some huge shots and looked like he belonged, and the whole story was nothing short of miraculous and inspirational, even though we may never hear from him again. It’s too bad more teams don’t give minor-league journeymen opportunities like this, as it was a blast to watch, as opposed to some of the other silly-season stuff we’ve been subjected to over the last month. Congratulations on your big night, Andre. It was awesome. And props to Magic Johnson and the Lakers for making it happen. He’s probably not done done yet, as the Lakers play the Clippers in Wednesday’s meaningless finale, but it’s hard to imagine him playing that well again on Wednesday night.
Speaking of assists.
From the “man” who never worked a day in his life:
Trump Signs Order to Require Recipients of Federal Aid Programs to Work – The New York Times
https://apple.news/A9kevN4dySlOgPWmjLytlAA
Here’s a real teeth grinder:
“President Trump has directed his administration to study policies that are failing Americans,” said Andrew Bremberg, the president’s domestic policy chief, who briefed reporters on the order’s contents in a telephone call late Tuesday. Journalists were not provided with copies of the document beforehand.
And the real nut-kicker in the last 3 paragraphs:
“Our country suffers from nearly record high welfare enrollments,” Mr. Bremberg said. But Temporary Assistance for Needy Families payments to poor people are approaching record lows.
Mr. Trump, several aides said, is unconcerned — or perhaps even unaware — of the distinction between cash assistance and other safety-net programs.
He calls all of them “welfare,” they said.
They can’t all get small loans of a million dollars? What’s wrong with them?
This fucktard doesn’t know how the postal service works, how the government works, how bodies work, how literally anything works.
Buster Keaton?
Yes. “Sherlock Jr.” (1924)
Also, that’s a block away from Strawberry’s house in “Up In Smoke”
I am so sleep deprived I feel drunk. Not a drop of alcohol in my system.
How were the plantains?
Tasty. Not Miami tasty but tasty.
You should drink, it’ll conk you out, problem solved!
I think Big Enough may be my favorite meme right now.
This was a top notch BOLTMAN appearance.
.
That’s the best way to deal with broccoli.
Don’t image search that phrase unless you are on safe search.
Oh God no.
Although after finding this; it was worth it.
Sorry I’m late, but I welcome my Boltman overlord.
Not that I have a choice.
last funny:
we literally gave Apple our fingerprints and are now worried that companies have too much of our personal data lmao
At least they don’t have a digital record of our fa…………… oh fuck.
Funny you mention that.
https://www.theverge.com/2018/4/10/17218756/facebook-biometric-privacy-lobbying-bipa-illinois
*checks the GS warriors score
YIKES!!!!
Now the playoffs start?
evening ya’ll!
Had my first Javascript class. pretty simple so far…
found a funny:
Went to Applebee”s in a dress shirt and tie. Three customers complained to me about their food so I fired a cook.
Ah yes. I remember my first error development class.
Oh early-80’s-girl come haunt my dreams
You can spot the cooks because they’re the ones jerking off into clam chowder.
It is agreed; at dawn we raid the shed and take the entire 100 lb bag of our food and distribute it evenly.
Don’t ever say I don’t listen to you all. I just ordered at Versailles.
Did you get the half chicken with plantains?
Pork with plantains. Gotta be a good J-O-O.
OK, I’m hungry again, damn it.
anything with plantains, holy fuck that sounds good.
Can’t imagine there are any good plantains down in North Cakalaky
there is a good Cuban-Argentinian place in downtown Raleigh, but I don’t get over there very often. Only place I’ve found with ’em (at least regularly)
It’s a Raleigh good place.
Did they let you eat cake?
Zuckerberg being questioned by a bunch of decrepit old men who are the very model targets/suckers of the countless idiotic memes that fill up Facebook timelines is partly amusing but mostly sad because these idiots and their equally moronic and ignorant staffers are the worst, last people in the world competent and capable of asking questions that really need to be asked of Zuckerberg on the record and in public.
Politics sucks. People over 60 shouldn’t be allowed to vote or hold office.
found a related funny:
People under 30 shouldn’t be allowed to vote either.
For those interested, the Andre the Giant documentary just started on HBO
Coincidentally that is also tWBS’ pet name for his penis.
AKA; Berry, the Colossally Exaggerated.
*But he did manage to fuck all of Toronto.
I understand and accept that none of these questionable premises will ever make it into the Goddess II series.
Damn, forgot to DVR it. He Has a Posse! you know…
Correct; contrary to popular believe he did get a lot posse; he was famous after all.
plus, I mean, who wouldn’t want to SEE IT??
His balls were…….. UUUUUUUUGE!
Fuck Toronto.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS5nF398Snw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=iNdBSH_Tv2k
#BFIB break up no-hitter with bunt single, 2 outs in the 5th. To a fucker throwing 85.
/El Gallo (i.e., the pitcher) got a for reals hit the very next pitch
Clint is not betting on it.
left the bases fucked. I’d bet on the rope.
Wait…. third is only finger fucked.
I’m old, what do you expect ,, smh
Ummm…. old is remembering that as a teenager one measure success in a sexual sequence metaphorically based [sic] on a system of advancement toward the prize related to “America’s favorite pass-time.”
I’m surprised he didn’t get hit for reals. With the ball. In the ribs.
If it’s wrong to be CHAARRRRGGGED UUUUPPPPP! by the appearance of the dread elder god, BOLTMAN, I don’t want to be right!
/runs through a gottdammed wall to grab a snack
[followed closely by A. Reid]
GO CHARGERS!!
*Against the Chiefs, P*triots and Raiders only.
OK; NFC teams, especially the Cowboys and Redacteds….. that’s as far as I can go.
Any recs from this group for dinner near Culver?
In N Out
Father’s Office probably not too busy, also a good burger.
Been there on yeah right’s rec. Good stuff.
He said DINNER.
Is it wrong that I want to kinda bite that tummy a little bit?
There is nothing but right about wanting to bite Frankenhooker’s stomach.
Easy there, Marv.
YES!!!!!!
Tommy John surgery?
Versailles Cuban restaurant on Venice Blvd is one option . . .
THIS!
Liam Neeson’s solidarity with Latin American liberation was greater than I ever suspected.
Shit. Looks like I’m going to the cemetery again tomorrow. I’m getting sick of that fucking place. I told Mom if she wanted me to go with her, she shouldn’t have put mayonnaise on her fucking burger.
To her credit, she laughed.
Dad is dead 3 years. Hard to believe.
For a sentence there I thought the mayonnaise had pushed tWBS too far.
Meh. He’s dead. I can tell him “hi” from here. But Mom and her mayonnaise burger loving self wants accompaniment.
No worries, I’ll just wait ’til later to start drinking.
Going to the cemetary is why a lot of my dates fail. fwiw.
Actually they are usually OK until I remove my clothes on top of a stranger’s grave.
Cincy and Toronto pitchers having…interesting games through 6
To be fair, Sanchez is pitching against the Orioles. It’s not a high bar there.
just TOR guy now
5-0 Red Sox. The Yankees have the Red Sox right where the Orioles want them.
I remember the time *I* ended up with a red sock. My urologist *still* gives me a hard time about it.
San Diego has a baseball team?
Only because MLB doesn’t have relegation.
About an hour ago or so, I fired up the grill and cooked burgers. One of which I presented to my mother. She then proceeded to put mayonnaise on it.
I then dumped as much contempt and derision onto this feeble elderly woman as I was able.
My only regret is I wasn’t able to make her cry. She’s a tough old bird.
Fuck mayonnaise, though.
Well, yeah whatelse do you do with it>
mayo looks like you done finished the fucking ,, no ofence. Smells like it to
[looks at sandwich hippo gave me]
[takes bite anyway]
Uh-oh, Wolven friends.
https://deadspin.com/kansas-and-nc-state-are-now-caught-up-in-the-fbis-colle-1825159635?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow&__twitter_impression=true&__twitter_impression=true&__twitter_impression=true&__twitter_impression=true
Oh, and HA-HA, any Jayhawks fans.
I am shocked. SHOCKED I tell you.
oh, we MOS DEF done paid DSJ. Just like K and Ol’ Roy pay 3/4 of their rosters.
Just like in European politics, in Euro Lesser Footy, the GERMANS are the last good guys standing. Last meaningful ones, anyway, Please do a thing, Bayern (and draw the Shite for the semifinal round).
Reports that Trump is considering firing Rosenstein: trial balloon or horrified insider warning?
yes
Yes
also, yes
/insert Dr Krieger picture here
// too lazy to find and figure out how to post images
Well, I read that very loudly.
BOLTMAN DOES NOT APPROVE OF SUBVOCALIZATION. IF SOMETHING IS TO BE SAID, IT IS TO BE PROCLAIMED LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR ALL MORTAL EARS TO HEAR.
Four innings in the books and the Orioles are not trailing by six runs?
OK, who’s punking me?
Going for a long walk tomorrow. No, a short pier is not involved. Anyone care to join me? The only thing we have to fear is bears. They’re very hungry/cranky this time of year. Fear itself? Yeah, that’s a distant second in the spring.
I imagine “fear itself” shows up right quick when the bears arrive. Along with dirty pants.
I hope your not menstruating.
i assume that you’re asking so you only need to be faster than them, and not the bear….
Ever watch Smallville and think it’d be hot if Allison Mack and Kristin Kreuk were in a sex cult? Especially if Kristin Kreuk was the mistress and recruited Mack for some lez dom??What about Grace Park and Nicki Clyne?
Well, do I have news for you, and it’s depressing as shit:
https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/kzxnqx/all-the-vancouver-actresses-linked-to-an-alleged-sex-cult?utm_campaign=global&utm_source=vicefbcaads
Grace Park was vaguely involved in something similar…
[NSFW due to brief boobie flash] – https://youtu.be/42YB5lPTzUo
Sex cult? I thought they closed that place down years ago!
Also I guess that world isn’t secret anymore.
I thought Allison Mack was the #2 under the cult leader guy. So wouldn’t she be Kreuk’s dom?
The Canadian IFC channel is really bringing it tonight. Right now The 12 Disasters of Christmas is playing. Next up? Wolfcop. Yeah, that’s what I said, Wolfcop.
I’m assuming Wolfcop nose the truth.
Wolfcop and CARBOAT would make a great team.
hahaha WolfCop!!! thats great! that seems like something from AdultSwim.
I missed BOLTMAN.
Comforting to know that he’s never really gone, as one day he is coming FOAR US ALL.
Watching the Red Sox open against the Yankees with a double and walk.
I think I’m going back to work with a headache tomorrow.
No ofence, but I would rather watch kiddie porn in the FBI HQ reception area than what you are viewing.
Given that it’s 4-0 bad guys in the 2nd inning, go ahead and pull up a second chair in the receptions area; I’ll be along shortly.
Saying the “bad guys” are winning tells us nothing about which team is actually leading.
said the Raiders fan.
I said bad guys not sad guys.
I was trying to describe Lesser Footy hate today, and the best way I could do it was to say that Liverpool was like the P*ts and the Cubs put together to me (it was another #BFIB, so this would make sense).
BOLTMAN FINDS THIS MOVE TO BE FOOLISH, AS ALL HUMANS TIME ON THIS WATER COVERED AND HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE PLANET IS NEARING ITS END
– standing round of applause befitting a Stalin gathering
It needs to be Wednesday sooner. Give me that sweet, sweet insanity.
Here’s your insanity-it involves hockey pants.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpNWPefulhQ
Man, I forgot how purely batshit that series was. 56 goals in 6 games. The highlight reel should be the rebuttal for every “MAF is Actually Good” claim.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laidGIoJWvE
perhaps the only firm opinion I have on Ice Footbaw is that Marc-Andre Fleury is merde. Under any sort of moderate-to-heavy pressure, he’s runny “infant who ate too many prunes” merde.
“Boltman needs to see a therapist.”
-A Therapist
“THAT’S A CAPITAL IDEA!”
-Boltman