Your 2018 Cleveland Browns Season Preview

So,  true story, I was joking around about how I’d draw the short straw and do the Cleveland Browns season preview and instead turn it into an AFL finals preview and before I knew it,  I had actually been assigned the Browns!

That should teach me to keep my mouth shut.

Now, considering that Just Stop Dude is the only Commentist I can think of that admits to being a fan of the Browns,  I feel I can tailor this preview strictly for him.

Dude,  your team is going to suck.

Again.

In between dealing with stupid customers that don’t understand motors and electrical power, a sales department that makes promises you know are impossible to keep,  and a HR group that is seemingly clueless about proper discipline and the hiring/firing process,  I’m frankly surprised that you set aside any more of your precious time in your day for dealing with an additional set of assholes such as the Cleveland Browns.

And assholes they are.

This is the team that thought it was a good idea to bring back Hue Jackson,  the man that Rikki Tikki Deadly has declared the worst coach in Raiders history and most likely NFL history.

From the Wikipedia page:

Jackson was fired by the Oakland Raiders on January 10, 2012, after one season as head coach, by new general manager Reggie McKenzie. In his lone season as head coach, the Raiders finished with a record of 8–8 and missed the playoffs after starting the season 7–4.

On January 13, 2016, Jackson was hired as head coach of the Cleveland Browns.^[12] On December 18, 2016, Jackson became the first NFL coach since Rod Marinelli in 2008 to start a season 0–14. Jackson got his first win with the Browns in a 20–17 victory over the San Diego Chargers on December 24, 2016. The Browns finished the season with a 1–15 record, finishing last in the NFL. The Browns finished the 2017 season without a single win, making the Browns the second team in league history to finish with a 0–16 record.^[13] His record as the Browns coach is 1-31.

Somewhere in the DFO archives is a long- forgotten post that RTD wrote that was meant to be published on January 31, 2017 declaring it Hue Jackson Day.

If you do the math on the italics above,  you will see that Hue Jackson’s record as head coach is 2-35 after that, what now seems absurdly abnormal, 7-4 start.

It doesn’t matter that the Browns have drafted in the beginning of the draft for what seems like the entire century. (And, 18 years in,  that’s saying something!)

The Browns will always fuck up what talent they have and will figure out a way to turn college winners into losers.

So,  JSD, I ask you,  if you were able to kick heroin,  can’t you kick the Browns too?

I mean,  seriously man,  we’re all here for you.  If you need a 12-step mentor or partner or buddy (I don’t know how that shit works), we can help.

Don’t waste your life,  brother.  We only have precious little time on this earth and we all deserve to be happy.

***

AFL Finals Preview

With three games left,  there are realistically 10 teams with a shot at making the Eight.  Here they are with their remaining schedule and their outlook for finals:

Richmond Tigers

The Run Home:

R21: Gold Coast @ Metricon Stadium
R22: Essendon @ MCG
R23: Western Bulldogs @ MCG

Outlook: The Tigers have the Double Chance and Home Field Advantage all locked up.  It will take someone to beat them at the MCG for them not to repeat as Premiers.

West Coast Eagles

The Run Home:

R21: Port Adelaide @ Adelaide Oval
R22: Melbourne @ Optus Stadium
R23: Brisbane @ Gabba

Outlook: The Eagles have the second spot pretty much all wrapped up.  They will enjoy the Double Chance and home-field advantage at their new fancy stadium.

Greater Western Sydney Giants

The Run Home:

R21: Adelaide @ UNSW Canberra Oval
R22: Sydney @ Spotless Stadium
R23: Melbourne @ MCG

Outlook: The Giants have their fate and the fate of other clubs in their hands.  The remaining games are all against teams trying to squeeze into the Eight.  The big question will be whether injuries will play a factor.

Melbourne Demons

The Run Home:

R21: Sydney @ MCG
R22: West Coast @ Optus Stadium
R23: Greater Western Sydney @ MCG

Outlook: Yes, I am an admitted Demons-hater, but look at that schedule!  All three of those games are losable.  I still don’t think the Demons have gotten over their late-season collapses and I say they fall out of the Eight.

Hawthorn Hawks

The Run Home:

R21: Geelong @ MCG
R22: St Kilda @ Etihad Stadium
R23: Sydney @ SCG

Outlook: The St. Kilda game is the marshmallow filling in the middle of a tough bread sandwich.  The Cats and the Swans will not be easy beats.  Beat one of them and you can count on playing finals.

Collingwood Magpies 

The Run Home:

R21: Brisbane @ Etihad Stadium
R22: Port Adelaide @ MCG
R23: Fremantle @ Optus Stadium

Outlook: The schedule shapes up nicely for the Pies with three winnable games down the stretch.  Win all three and the Pies are looking at a Top Four spot.

Port Adelaide Power

The Run Home:

R21: West Coast @ Adelaide Oval
R22: Collingwood @ MCG
R23: Essendon @ Adelaide Oval

Outlook: This schedule has Melbourne-like collapse written all over it.  I would not be surprised if the Power drops all three and allow the Roos into the Eight.  The last game will determine the fate of the Power.

Sydney Swans 

The Run Home:

R21: Melbourne @ MCG
R22: Greater Western Sydney @ Spotless Stadium
R23: Hawthorn @ SCG

Outlook: It’s a tough tough road for the Swans. All three games are against teams currently in the Eight.  If they can win them, they can win the Premiership.

Geelong Cats

The Run Home:

R21: Hawthorn @ MCG
R22: Fremantle @ GMHBA Stadium
R23: Gold Coast @ GMHBA Stadium

Outlook: The Cats have the easiest schedule of all the contending teams but must beat the Hawks at the MCG to have a reasonable chance of getting close to the Top Four.  Lose against the Hawks and they’ll have to depend on the right combination of teams losing in the last two weeks just to get in the Eight.

North Melbourne Kangaroos

The Run Home:

R21: Western Bulldogs @ Marvel Stadium
R22: Adelaide Crows @ Adelaide Oval
R23: St. Kilda Saints @ Marvel Stadium

Outlook: The Roos do have a pretty easy schedule that should get easier if the Crows lose to the GWS Giants in Round 21.  If they win all three, they’ll most likely be in the Eight.