Off With Their Heads – Those Goofy Toothed Blue Blooded Bastards

God save the queen
‘Cause tourists are money
And our figurehead
Is not what she seems

Yeah, Sid Vicious – that doomed idiot – had it right. So did Johnny Rotten. So did a bunch of ragtag inbred hillbillies who decided, “Fuck the British we want to be free so we can own slaves, fuck over the local natives, and get richer than Croesus.”

So what the fuck happened? How in the fuck are the Royals relevant in this day? Why in the shit do they mean so much to Americans? Listen Charlie, we got big enough problems over here we need to solve. Like Trump wasn’t bad enough, now we have this raging beast Omaroska, Omaroid, Hemorrhoid, whatever in fuck her name is. Someone please drug her and ship her ass to Antarctica.

I just don’t understand the appeal. Back in the 80s America jizzed its collective pants when this uber dork Charles was able to marry a pretty hot babe. People woke up early to watch the wedding. My mother was one of them. She woke me up. I have never forgiven her. Let’s face it, Di was a royal piece of tail, and she blew the doors off of the establishment by doing serious work with AIDS patients, but she was also close friends with Elton John – the most annoying person on the face of the planet even more annoying than that waterhead Collinsworth. We should shoot him and Omarosa into the closest galaxy.

So these two have two boys, one is really a good looking kid, the other is a redhead, and redheads are genetic defects who see the world through tortured and crazed eyes. Remember when that fuck shit dressed up as a Nazi? Only a redhead would do that, and only a royal asswipe would get away with it.

What good do the royals serve anyway? They have no power, they have no impact on the world. All they do is show up to cut ribbons and mumble and spread their inbred germs over everyone.

Apparently one of these waterheads already has two kids and the other one married some hottie from America. And her dad either doesn’t’ like her, or the royal guy, or everyone. And it’s big news, Kardashian level news. And please, if you are listening god, have every Kardashian bleed out from a super ebola virus. Please?

And wow, are the royals not the whitest bunch of white people that ever were white. You cut open their veins and they’ll bleed mayonnaise. They are all angles and edges and white teeth that resemble miniature tombstones. I’m white, but jesus god in a paper bag, these people make the Osmonds look funkier than James Brown.

The worship only continues. Whenever one of these royal cows shoots yet another bloodsucking termite out of their royal crotch, the entire fucking world stops. What will they name it? What position in line is he or she to get the throne? Um, who in the fuck of all fucks cares?

You want me to care about the royal succession line? Okay, here’s how you do it: every 15 years you get all the royals but the reigning king and queen. You block off both sides of the London Bridge. Every person gets one medieval weapon of their choice. Then they fucking go to town. Last person standing wins.

The rest of those bucktooth, thin blooded, sausage and bean eating motherfuckers can be ground up as fertilizer, shipped to Ireland, and be used to grow next year’s potato crop.