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2018 Quotables – Week 1 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

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,

Welcome everyone to another season of [DFO] Quotables, the only place where you can make jokes about football players on the internet! As we didn’t play much with the gifs this offseason or preseason, I’m still working out a couple little kinks here but I think you’ll have adequate visuals to rip on in preparation for Friday’s results post.

As always, the only rule is: THERE ARE NO RULES! Want to swear? Go for it! Try to hack our servers? The Russians do it every day (thank goodness we have DTZM on that digital wall)! Butter up the weekly author in an attempt to improve your chances? SonOfSpam knows my paypal account!

Finally, I think I have all the files compressed down enough but, you know, with net neutrality throttling and all, let me know if there are any serious speed issues.

That all being said:

Matt Stafford getting blown up. This is the bread and butter of Quotables.

 

“49ers Football is BACK!” – Jed York, holding his hand out to ticketholders.
“You know, these people in New Orleans are pretty well known for their celebrations, Al.”
Craftsman: The official tool of on-field amputations?
I had to speed this up to fit in all the missed tackles.
Boss Todd getting soft in his old age.
“Perhaps technology can give us some sort of advantage,” -Todd Bowles, as the play clock winds down
You know this hat is an integral part of his 9/11 story godbless.

 

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Kate_Uptons_Bicycle_Seat

Haven’t seen a rollout that bad since the 1958 Edsel!
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4
LemonJello

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In that moment, Fat Stafford questions his choice of the Andy Reid combo as a pre-game meal

2
blaxabbath

One of everything on the left side of the menu stuffed with two of everything on the right side?

And a Diet Sprite.

4
LemonJello

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The guttural “SNARLCHOMPGROWLSNARL” from the Vikings sidelines was unnerving and distracting, but entirely within the rules.

4
LemonJello

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“Let’s get Life Model Decoy AR-2722 back to the shop, and get Life Model Decoy AR-2723 out of cold storage and ready for the 2nd Half.”

5
LemonJello

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“Well, I guess the horses are out of the barn now.”

/John Elway looks up briefly from his feed bag, hoping someone has sugar cubes to share

1
LemonJello

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“I didn’t think they would seriously put you on the Cleveland staff. That’s cruel and unusual punishment, even for the Goddammed National Disgrace that is Roger Goodell.”

1
LemonJello

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“That Ed Helms, what a cut-up. His antics always get a chuckle out of me.”

1
LemonJello

Sorry I’m late, Operation: LimeJello Retrieval was a bigger shitshow than I had anticipated.

First Quotables of the season!

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Fireman Ed tucks his burgeoning erection into his waistband

1
Horatio Cornblower

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Todd Bowles: “I wonder if she’ll back right out of the end zone…it’s happened here before.”

1
Horatio Cornblower

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I love the look from the security guard; 100% “Oh great, this fucking guy again.”

3
Horatio Cornblower

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The last time I saw a car move this slowly Danica Patrick was driving it.

6
Petronel

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“Hey…d’you think…”
“What?”
“Well, I know he’s officially retired and all, but, ya know…he does stay in shape, and we could use him.”
“No.”
“But, Je-”
“NO, coach. We can’t bring T.O. back. Especially after that stunt he pulled last February. Cause, if we do, then Ginger Hammer will make us hire Kaepernick again just to get him to shut up.”
“…aww.”

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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See what happens when you get rid of Paxton Lynch?

5
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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On the right, the Jets’ head coach admiring his team’s hard work paying off. On the left, Matt Patricia’s game plan and response to purge the record of his past.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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The sight of Jets fans smiling and happy and basking in the glow of a win is so odd and unsettling. It makes as much sense to my brain as a painting of a giant cockroach in a business suit running a board meeting.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Beastquake 2: Almost as Good But Completely Meaningless in Every Possible Way

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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The abundance of tools on that cart makes me think they bought it at a discount from OCP after RQBOCOP retired.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I like to think that this wasn’t an actual player, but rather a fan who was so encouraged by Drew Brees’ kind response to his letter that he thought Drew was serious about how he really *could* do anything he set his mind to, even play receiver for the Saints.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I haven’t seen a 49er drop something in a bucket so perfectly since Jim Tomsula sank the game-winner in a railyard game of PossumBall.

9
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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It’s alright, I imagine the three pork tenderloins still lingering in his stomach from the pre-game meal softened the blow somewhat.

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Neither of these men were responsible for bringing in Donovan McNabb for the pregame speech.

2
SonOfSpam

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Rollin rollin rollin
Though my knee is swollen
Get this cart that’s rollin
Inside

I got to get some pain pills
And get all numb to my gills
This never happens to the Crimson Tide

Dee Kizer is my backup
Which means I gotta sack up
Our stupid team won’t let me run and hide

Shoot him up
Drag him in
Drug him up
Ride him out
Shoot him up
Get him set
Let’s ride

Move him out
Stand him up
Fuck his butt
Get him…what?
Screw his hole
I don’t know
Browns tied!

BROWNS TIED.

9
The Maestro

Holy SHIT. This is SonOfSpam’s world, and we’re all just living in it.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Also carted away in the second half? Matt Nagy’s running section of the playbook.

2
Fronkenshteen

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“Good news, guys!! My lawyer just called. THE OWNER OF THE BAR ISN’T PRESSING CHARGES!!”

4
SonOfSpam

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Careful with that, Saints fans – it’s not a disposable Kamara.

10
SonOfSpam

Also, Blaxabbath, is your PayPal account still at “[email protected]”?

5
Fronkenshteen

Winner!

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Chicken dinner.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I like this one.

0
Fronkenshteen

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This duck, like many other birds, met a sad end at U.S. Bank Stadium.

9
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is very good.

0
nomonkeyfun

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James Harrison has been fined for this hit.

3
Fronkenshteen

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After seeing how hesitant the Broncos were to hit him, his Seahawks teammates gave Dissly the unfortunate nickname “The Anthrax Piñata”.

4
Senor Weaselo

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“I miss doing donuts in the Camaro, Todd.”
“I know, I know.”

5
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

-waves
Hi Quotables, I’ve missed you.

4
Downfield Matriculator

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Not only is Garoppolo the second coming of Brady, but Kittle is apparently just as gritty as Welker

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/935806/welker_medium.gif

2
ArmedandHammered

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Maybe they got their celebrations confused and that is why they started giving away touchdowns like they were strings of beads.

3
nomonkeyfun

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Just give Spur best adapted comment for his banner.

1
nomonkeyfun

But if I’m going to “borrow” from his idea.

I haven’t seen Jets take out immobile objects this fast in 17 years.

8
blaxabbath

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0
ArmedandHammered

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Just add the yakety sax music already. It looks like the Donks wouldn’t be able to tackle that little old man from Bennie Hill either.

4
ArmedandHammered

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The only kind of sandwich Stafford doesn’t like.

7
blaxabbath

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“Throw your hands up
Move in, now move out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you’re gonna do now “

2
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