Jason Garrett Evaluates his Roster

Interior: Dallas Cowboys practice facility, Frisco Texas.

Jason Garrett: “Hey Scott.”

Scott Linehan: “Jason.”

JG: “Gonna be a tough schedule from here on out.”

SL: “Shore is, Jason. Although, we got a couple of winnable games in there.”

JG: “Hell, they’re all tough opponents in the NFL and especially this time of year.”

SL: “Yep.”

JG: “So, I’ve got to ask you something.”

SL: “Fire away, Jason.”

JG: “Do you think we can take this team the whole way as we’re currently constructed?”

SL: “Shit howdy I do!”

JG: “Honestly, the defense really showed up in that New Orleans game but I’m a little concerned about the offense.”

SL: “What are you saying? I think we’ve got a Hell of an offense and I should know.”

JG: “No. Don’t get me wrong, you’re doing a great job as offensive coordinator it’s just..do we have the firepower on offense if we get in a shootout? Say we get behind by a couple of scores, do you think we can be a come-from-behind team?”

SL: “Why not? We got the whole shebang here. We can run the ball, pass the ball, getting Amari Cooper has opened up the passing game. What are you worried about.”

JG: ” I’m just a little concerned about the overall intelligence and professionalism is all. Hold on a second.”

/presses intercom button

JG: “Zeke. Can you report to my office please?”

/ minutes later

//[Door flies open]

Zeke: “Hi Mister Coaching man!”

JG: “Hey Zeke. How you feeling big guy? Ready for a playoff run?”

Zeke: “I ate a whole box of plastic forks!”

SL: “What?”

Zeke: “I feel funny.”

JG: “Thanks Zeke. That will be all. Go ahead and get back to practice.”

Zeke: “OK. I’m going to buy a can of green beans after practice.”

JG: “That’s great, Zeke.”

/ [Door flies shut]

SL: “Jesus Christ!”

JG: “Yeah. THAT’S what I’m talking about. Scott, I’ve seen better brains on a goddamn forklift.”

SL: “I hear you but you don’t really need a brain to be a running back.”

JG: “It’s not just that, this fucking guy treats his women with the same respect and dignity that Andy Reid shows to a bucket of fried chicken.”

SL: “I’ll try to keep him in line.”

JG: “It’s not just Zeke, it’s the entire team. I’m worried that we don’t have the mental fire-power to overcome adversity. And there WILL be adversity once we get to the playoffs.”

SL: “Ain’t you overreacting just a bit? They’ll be fine. Zeke’s a world class shithead and a complete and unredeemable asshole who wouldn’t survive anywhere else on the planet but this is the NFL! There are tons of guys like him in the league!”

JG: “I would like our team to be a little better than that.”

\presses intercom

JG: “Dak. Can you come to my office please?”

/minutes pass

/[Door flies open]

DAK: “DAK! DAK! DAK!”

JG: “Hey DAK! Feeling good? Ready for the stretch run?”

SL: “We’ve been over this Jason.”

DAK: “DAK! DAK! DAKDAKDAK!!”

JG: “I mean, Scott!”

SL: “I know, I know but Hell, results are what count not the composition of our QB’s head.”

\[ Door flies open]

JJ: “Well, Howdy everybody! How the fuck y’all doin?”

JG: “Hi Mister Jones!”

SL: ” Hello Mister Jones.”

DAK: “DAK! DAK!”

JJ: “Well, look at that! My favorite quarterback is here too. Howdy DAK!”

DAK: “DAK! DAK DAK!!”

JJ: “You all boys up here strategizin?”

JG: “Yes sir. Getting ready for the stretch run. Just going over the game plan with DAK here.”

JJ: “Well that’s good! That’s real damn good. I like strategizin’! You like strategizin’ DAK?

DAK: “DAK! DAK! DAKDAK!”

JJ: “That’s what I like to hear! Go get ’em boys. We’re gonna run the damn table.”

/ walks over to DAK and rips a chunk off his head.

JG: “Goddammit Jerry will you stop eating our quarterback’s head?”

JJ: “This fucker is right tasty though! I’ll bet you could scramble this sumbitch up with some taters and make a GODDAMN tasty breakfast.”

JG: “DAK, Put your can on please.

DAK: “Mmmhhgmmpphff.”

JJ: “The hell you do that for? I was jess gettin’ to eatin’ proper.”

JG: “Listen Mister Jones, in reality we weren’t up here strategizing. We were discussing whether this team has the overall intelligence and toughness to make it all the way.”

JJ: “You listen up shit-fer-brains and you listen up good! I drafted this team. I brought in these guys with the sole reason of winning this whole fuckin’ thing. If we don’t win it all who’s to say that’s the players fault. I’d put my boys up against anyone. Toughness? Shit! You just do YOUR goddamn jobs and bring me that gatdamn trophy!”

\[ door slams shut]

JG: “Jesus Christ! I went to college for THIS?”

SL: “Weren’t you a history major? The fuck else you gonna do? Open a history store?”

JG: “Fuck you Scott.”