Through Which Open Door Should You Go?

For many fantasy football players that aren’t me, this is a huge week. And for many real football players that aren’t in northern California, it’s an even yuuuger week. I’m talking, of course, about the winter solstice.

Oh, and fantasy football championships, and playoff hunts, and end of the year discussions about bonuses and raises, and what to get an SO as a Christmas present, and how to tell your parents that you’re never coming home again because they make you pine for the days of being yelled at by angry gym teachers while your face was riddled with acne.

In other words, lots of situations that need candid and sage advice. Rock solid, expert-ish, and brutally honest advice. When a door flies open, should you storm through it? Or perhaps is it time to evaluate that window? Rarely, but on occasion, should one consider gently closing said door and waiting for another to fly open?

YES, dear readers, the answer is yes. Or no. It depends. But I can tell you that there will be no pussyfooting around as your specific question/scenario/made up hypothetical will be considered on the merits in all its unique glory and perhaps shame.

We have tried iterations of the mailbag here at DFO before, but this time, it’s different. You get me. Yes, THE BrettFavre’sColonoscopy, the internet persona that named himself after his own joke about how far the media was up the gunslinger’s bum and who only writes like twice a quarter. Well, I have thoughts and I’m here to give you those thoughts whether you want to know if it’s worth stashing Le’Veon Bell in a keeper league or how to decide if it’s time to move across the country. I am slightly more qualified for this than Brian Fellows was for Safari Planet, and I am stoked to give this a try.

Send in your questions to, and when there’s critical mass, we’ll delve right in there. And where there isn’t critical mass, we’ll take a page from the greatest artists and borrow some questions from elsewhere and answer them in our own special way.

Oh, and spread the word. This column won’t adhere just to football, dickjokery, and anal, so tell your friends. There’s a new Dear Abby in town, and she’s fired up and ready to go.

More importantly, we’re going to the “there’s no I in team” approach (despite the FredEx type bluster in the previous paragraph). So there will be multiple points of view, celebrity guest pop-ins, and copious amounts of judgment toward other people’s advice.

So get your questions into, and see you ’round the clubhouse.

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BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Mouth Flies Open: A DFO Advice Column – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] to all who bravely and boldly asked questions on the post calling for advice requests as well as via the inbox. I’m genuinely excited to launch this new […]

Horatio Cornblower

How do I get my long-distance girlfriend to do anal?

/Yeah, I know, but it’s a tradition and none of you assholes were doing it.

Senor Weaselo

I went over this, the answer is empathy, Ufford has decreed it.


Dear Miss Downton Abby:

Rupert is a valued employee, but he refuses to iron my undergarments on a regular basis. Yes, of course they are washed and folded-but they are not pressed! Should I write him a strongly-worded note, call him into my library and upbraid him or destroy his family? I eagerly await your reply.


Sir Scotchnaut


Also, what’s the best way to kill a hobo?

Asking for a friend.


Outsource it to another hobo. Ask around the Washington, D.C. rail yard for Boxcar Jim.


What is Pompoir and how can I get my girlfriend to do it?


You are so cute! Pretending that your blowup doll can say ‘no’? Just wipe the lard on the nape of her neck and have at it!

Don T

Winning a heated argument over your spouse: worth it?


Of course its worth it. You shluldn’t want to give your spouse to someone.

Oh, you mean is it worth it to get the better of your spouse in argument.
Only if you want arsenic in your bourble.

Horatio Cornblower

Is it a heated argument over place settings? Let it go, it’s not like you care anyway.

Is it a heated argument over whether to have the kids vaccinated? Air the bitch/asshole out.


Fuck. Yes.


Which part of the human epidermis makes the best drum heads for important sacrificial rites?




Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Did you steal my pudding? And why does my mouth taste like pudding?

–T. Green


So yesterday, I left the bar and saw a Packers fan wearing a #69 (nice) jersey. I unrolled my window and yelled “Go Bears” and he responded by yelling “Fuck You.” I kept driving with a smile on my face. I hope that guy dies. Anyway, what is the best kind of steak to grill? Thanks,

Game Time Decision

Fantasy question: who do i start Young or Montana?

King Hippo

Dear New Abby,

What is that on your index finger? And what is that SMELL??


KH, artist’s rendering:
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