The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. Fantasy football questions still welcome but by no means required. If you have questions and/or need advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.
Man, oh man, did we get some letters this week.
Yes, overtime games can be very entertaining. Yes, it’s great that the Rams made it to the Super Bowl, if you give a shit about the Rams. As has been covered elsewhere, if the top story coming out of conference championship weekend is the officiating, that ain’t good for the Shield. Also, the horrendous officiating taught us that the President of the United States has the same working knowledge of ALL-CAPS and quotation marks as TO:
— Terrell Owens (@terrellowens) January 20, 2019
The bottom line is that the bad guys and the Rams won and now we get two weeks of bullshit narratives about bookends to Tom Brady’s career before he wins another Super Bowl and has to make an agonizing decision of whether or not it’s time to eat strawberries again. Fuck that guy.
But speaking of the Super Bowl, let’s go to our first question, which came in last week from Puerto Rico—
First of all, let’s remember what that tantrum was all about:
Remember, this is January of 1986. Nineteen Super Bowls have been played since the AFL-NFL merger, and one of the founding franchises and greatest teams from the pre-merger era had never even made a Super Bowl, let alone been in a position to win one. And Mike Ditka had arguably the greatest running back in the history of the league in his backfield–a man who carried that sorry team on his back the bulk of his career without even sniffing a championship–and Da Coach felt it was more important to give a fat guy a shot at the end zone than to let Sweetness punch one in. Sure it’s not as bad as racist Coach Kilmer denying Wendell touches inside the red zone, but it’s still some bullshit.
Also, let’s take a look at what Payton said after a little bit of cool off time:
”I was upset, a little hurt,” said the star running back after practice with the NFC squad for Sunday`s Pro Bowl. ”Was. Not now. I got over it right away. You know how it is. You work all these years, you want to do well in a big game, and then, something like that takes away from the moment.”
Should Walter not have sulked postgame and made it look like he was a me-first guy rather than being his happy his team won? Probably, but I understand. I also wonder if the era and mythos of the angry black man fed into the narrative at the time. The greatest running back in franchise history and arguably in league history needed a few minutes to calm down after getting overlooked for this guy:
Yeah, I think that’s fine. Especially when you see what the Punky QB himself said after the fact:
When they called the play for Perry to go in, I should have just ignored it and given the ball to Walter anyway,” McMahon said. ”If anybody deserved it, he did. He should have been mad. I guess Ditka wants to be remembered as the great innovator. He did say he wanted to make `Refrigerator` President of the United States, didn’t he?’
As for the right amount of pride, enough to stand up for yourself so you don’t get pushed around, but not so much that you let it get in the way of doing the hard work to make things happen or that you’re constantly angry/resentful. What is that, like a 6.7? If someone “disrespects” you, have the brains to figure out if it’s minor and you should let it slide or if it’s worth pushing back and not being a doormat (more on being a doormat later). Be proud of your work, proud of your family, take pride in whatever it is you put effort into, and let most of the rest of that shit roll off your back. And like Walter, you can take a beat to be upset, then calmly evaluate if you want to accept it and move on or put up a fight.
Also, since I already threw a West Side Story link up there earlier, if you have a few minutes and want to see a funny but mildly offensive SNL skit with some jokes about Puerto Ricans, here ya go:
Now, I know my time at the wheel of this ship of fools has been limited, but here’s a first: multiple DFOers sent a link to this letter from up North to a mononymous advice columnist named Ellie and demanded it be addressed in the DFO mailbag:
I’m a man, married to a woman whom I love and adore, and respect more than anything in the world.
The thing is that she sees other men for sex and is open about it. She doesn’t have actual sex with me anymore. She says I’m too small down there. But she likes that I’m a great provider.
She expects me to accept this situation and to remain faithful to her, which I am.
Now, she wants to have a baby, but says it won’t be mine and she insists that I accept this, too.
She knows how much I love her and that I’ve always accepted how our marriage is. I don’t want to lose her. What should I do?
–Just A Provider?
Dear–WAIT, I am not abbreviating that. Well, Just a Provider, there are so many directions we could take this letter.
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
“Son, what are you doing? Do you know how much okra is out there in the world? She’s out getting hers, your not getting any home or away, and now you’re going to stick around for…what exactly? Get on the first ship out of port, and do not look back, not even for a double take.”
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
Yeah, I mean, I guess if we were to be completely non-judgmental and committed to avoiding kink-shaming and we got the sense you were into the whole cuckolding thing, maybe this would be…endurable? But it sounds like this is a marriage in name (and finances) only. You say she’s open about having sex with other men, but was that a mutual decision? Same for her expectation of you remaining faithful. Was that a conversation and something you wanted to do, or did your wife decree “you can’t satisfy me, I’m going to fuck other people and NOT you, but you can’t have sex with anyone else”? Is she Amanda Peet in Saving Silverman but not hot? And that’s before we even get to the johnson stuff. Maybe there’s a way you can still adore her, but respect? There doesn’t seem to be any in this situation, in either direction.
I haven’t been a fake advice columnist long enough to spot a fake letter, but part of me thinks this is a fake letter. Giving Just A Provider? the benefit of the doubt that he genuinely doesn’t know what to do in this situation, Ellie’s advice is spot-on. Get the fuck out of there. Back to DonT’s question, the right amount of pride is well above enough to know you don’t stay married to and provide for a spouse who treats you like this.
Moving on to people with (hopefully) slightly more relatable problems, our next question came in last week as well, so apologies for the extra long interval between mailbags when you took the time and effort to write in seeking advice–
Fellow Favre hater, I have a question. I was dating a woman over the summer, we are both in a 12 step program. She had a short but nasty relapse, so she decided to end the relationship for her own mental health. I ran into her at a meeting last weekend. It was an awkward but adult-like meeting. We didn’t get a chance to say too much to each other, except that we were both glad to see the other was doing well. She did however thank me for our time together, just before we had to stop catching up.
I have something I would like to say to her. How I really enjoyed our time together, that I hope she can find someone, etc. More importantly, I would like to apologize for not noticing some of the signs of her impending relapse and also to thank her, for making me realize that I could have a relationship with someone, I had been completely single for about 13 years.
Should I do this, and if so by what means? Text and phone calls seem to me to be the best possible ways, I don’t want to seem like a stalker if I show up at a meeting that she normally attends.
Point to add, she is now 24, I am 40, and I am the youngest person she has ever been with.
–How Do You Say Thanks Without Freaking Someone Out?
First of all, HDYSTWFSO, good on you and her for getting the help you need. It’s hard to take that step, and you should be proud of yourself for doing so. While I am not an expert in addiction, I do know from friends who have struggled that it’s a constant battle, especially in the beginning. So my question to you is–what’s your objective in reaching out? Is it to make amends? Is it because she blames herself for something and you genuinely think you can lighten her burden? Is it to make yourself feel better? Are you trying to open up the option to get back together with her? And then once you suss out your motivations, game out what the ramifications are for her. If she’s early in her recovery, is going back to anything from her old life, even if it’s potentially good for you, worth that risk for her right now? Will she gain strength from your outreach or will it remind her of a dynamic that maybe wasn’t as great from her perspective as yours? Does thanking her for helping you realize you can be in a relationship help her? Personally, my first instinct is to let this sit, and then if you still feel compelled to thank her in a few months, do it with a letter. Yes, by snail mail. There’s less pressure for her to respond immediately (or at all), and it also gives you the time to craft your message. Please try and make it as clear as possible that you want her to know she’s special and deserves happiness but that you’re not trying to get back into her pants. I think you know because you included the last line, but odds are there is a reason she’s gone after significantly older romantic interests, and continued attention from people (sorry but I have to say it) her father’s age may not be good for her rebuilding herself and staying on the road to recovery. Even if you don’t write her, it’s a good thought for you and a reminder to be grateful and charitable to yourself for the positive impact YOU can have, on other people and yourself. Good luck taking care of yourself.
Let’s round out this edition of the mailbag with yet another question from a real live reader–
Is it okay for a coworker to hum or sing at their desk for a good portion of the day, or is the fact that it constantly annoys me a sign that I am already dead inside?
–Shut the FUCK UP ALREADY
Your colleague should be strung up by the ear lobes and forced to listen to a loop of Kenny G and William Hung. If they know they’re doing it, they’re a monster. If they don’t, they’re an idiot and a waste of our collective air. Irrespective of the likelihood you’re dead inside, it’s socially unacceptable and morally wrong. You could be nice and say “hey, I don’t know if you’re aware, but you hum and sing a lot while you’re working, and it’s really distracting, any chance you could try and keep it down?” But the next step may be femur drums.
That’s it for this edition of Mouth Flies Open, the DFO advice column. Thanks for reading, ‘riting, and recognizin’. See you around the DFO clubhouse!
Have questions? Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email email@example.com with your questions, and spread the word!