The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.
Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.
If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.
Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?
Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]
It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.
[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]
Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and
Via giphy.com
It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.
Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.
For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.
More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business. But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.
The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?
Via giphy.com
I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose, Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.
But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.
Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.
LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!
Hekker for MVP then cancel football forever
.
Oh yeah. This is way better than the Eagles playing in the Super Bowl.
Pats have held both the Chefs and Rams to 0 points in the first half these past two games. Fuck it all.
My tv is about to be muted for so long it might forget how to make sound.
Sooooooo lucky to be only down 3.
Hekker for Super Bowl MVP.
bbbbbbbbbboooooooooooooooooooooo
Rams should just forfeit now for not calling their timeouts to force more kneel downs.
and should be taking shots at Dreamboat
NOT EVERY LOW SCORING GAME IS GOOD DEFENSE IT CAN JUST BE SHITTY FOOTBALL
Punt punt bo bunt, banana fanna fo funt, me mi mo munt…
C’mon 3-2 at the half!
Now now, Tony Romo. I find this football very offensive.
“throw a slant, quickly.”
I’ll take “Things Bill Parcells Has Said In A Massage Parlor” for $800, Alex.
Oh, eat all piss, Buster.
I bet if the Pats don’t sack him, JG would just spend 30 seconds before doing anything.
this is absolute monkeyfuckery
Woo-Hoo!!! I’m getting lucky tonight.
Time to walk the dog!
Jared Goff always seems like a good quarterback except for when I actually see him play
Goddamn Rams.
Happy Wade is Greatest Wade.
remember, he’s been poppin’ since his demo!
Oh hell yes.
Tubby Wade, MVP
Waddy the fuck you
My brain is so broken by online that I expect Jerry Jones to start berating Wade Phillips every time he’s on camera.
He’s probably yelling at Garrett to get him moar ice for his drink.
Maroon 5, Patriots 3, Rams 0.
Banner this man.
The only thing I’ve enjoyed since kickoff.
am stealing that
Damn, if the Rams had a safety it would be the first 3 primes
Goff looks like a guy waiting to go before a municipal judge.
More like waiting for teenage girlfriend with her pregnancy test to come back
There’s no way Goff could have stayed in the pocket long enough to complete something like that.
time to leave JEWKAH wide open!
Edelman down the middle uncovered, coming up…
Found Xanadu. It is -30C this dive bar has 30 people in it and is giving away 11 trips plus 5 dollar craft beer
The trips are to Edmonton.
Fuuuucckkk
Lots of people on my Twitter feed mad this game isn’t Chiefs-Saints
Lots of people watching the game, too.
By the way, “A Star Is Born” is great. You’d have to be a monster not to cry at that movie.
Fortunately, I am that monster.
It got me more than once.
Powerful film.
I didn’t cry, for what it’s worth. I have movies that get me there, but I don’t care that cosplaying Kris Kristofferson ate it.
I thought it was a manipulative POS, but …….
Nice pass asshole
That’s 2 in a row
Why is it that other major coprorations don’t inherently pass from father to child like NFL franchises? Oh, because running a team takes absolutely no effort or knowledge and even the most inbred WASPs can do it?
Because most corporations are public and aren’t run by the owner.
YOU DUN FORGOT ABOUT GREEN BAY!
I need more shots of Kroenke to remind me why i want the Patriots to win.
Because man, I am having a tough time remembering why that is.
Only piece of advice I can offer: If you’re going to watch professional sports, you’re going to have to make peace with the fact that a wretched billionaire is going to get what they wanted.
Or worse yet, the city of Green Bay
Yes, go Rams.
Kroenke seems worse than most.
Which is saying a lot.
They’re all god awful. Robert Kraft would be the worst person you’ve ever met if you got to know him.
Just be thankful it was St. Louis he screwed over, and not some undeserving city.
With all that money you would think Kraft would own more than 1 fucking suit.
He has fifty of those, al la Psycho.
BUT DOES STELLA HAVE CORN SYRUP IN IT?!?!?
Probably? It’s Europe’s second bro beer
They should a cut off her toe in that ad
Oh Bo
Fuck this commerical. I hate that woman, but them ruining the dude is horseshit.
Hehehe, horse
Dude! “I hate the fucking Eagles” would have made a better ad for last years SB, though..
Same shit every year.
I don’t know who all these people are, but the only commercial Stella needs is a 30 second loop of Flanders yelling their name. I would buy their beer 1000% more.
Speaking of punts, here’s a Sex and the City themed ad.
Goddammit, Punts! Too many punts tonight!
“……”
STOP. GIVING. THE . BALL TO. BURKHEAD.
The Dude abides.
The one great thing about the Krassensteins is that if your badger them enough they’ll post pictures of their mostly-naked 5’6 ripped bodies.
Somebody’s going to bang that child robot. No laws against it.
It never grows up! It’s PERFECT!! – (see below)
KILL ROBOCHILD WITH FIRE
“Let’s not be hasty!” – Jerry S. State College, PA