There’s only a handful of Sundays left until the return of the massive zombie-in that is the NFL season. The spirit soars at the thought of Sundays glued to 10+ hours of NFL games, which gets you 48 net minutes of NFL action and a lifetime of rancor from “neglected” family members, significant others, side-persons, the Hispanic God, and friends. All I gotta say to them is: be reasonable.

There are only 17 NFL Sundays in a year. You can do everything and go anywhere on any day outside those 17 Sundays. Ever been to church on a weekday? Much more pious–by the fuckload! A night on the town on a Monday? There’s no crowds, it’s great!

Anything you could do on those 17 Sundays, even go out dancing or to an emergency room, can be done on weekdays. Let’s substitute! But, it turns out, only NFL fans accept this. For us, it’s taken for granted that when we say “Monday” we mean those outside Weeks 1-16. (And, personally, some of those could be flexed for family time or romance when the fucking Giants and / or ‘Boys play.) So we’ll keep the discussion on Sundays, which for some reason is like a sacred day or something for some wags, religious types mostly.

To maintain the little respect our loved ones have for us, we’re gonna need pretexts or excuses to indulge in our Gamblor-given right to out-sloth ourselves through those 17 Sundays. Notice we are talking about regular season Sundays, because being wholly unavailable for the post season NEEDS NO EXPLANATION DAMMIT. Yes, we chicken out, but with dignity.

But first,

NFL NEWS:

Slim pickings. The Patriots are extending Tom Brady’s contract until 2021, non-NE fans the middle finger until 2028.

DE Yannick Ngakoue rejoins the Jaguars after holding out for 11 days. He remains on the 4^th and final year of his rookie contract. Jags D looking scary.

In the world of basketball, Monaco player D.J. Cooper was suspended by FIBA for a year for a positive result to PREGNANCY.

Chew on that one a while.

Turns out, it was a doping test and Cooper used his girlfriend’s urine which—ah, you now the rest already. Fake sample = suspension plus new baby minus funds for child support, a story as old as time. “He went for wool and came back sheared” goes a saying in Spanish.

So, OK. Weaseling out from people on 17 Sundays. Fake family illness, “I’m sick”, and “swamped with work urg, right?” are three right off the top. Plus you get Week 1 free because, THE WAIT WAS LONG DAMMIT!1!1 Now comes the tactical thinking.

You wanna be alone at home. So be magnanimous: leave cash or a prepaid credit card on the kitchen table with the car keys. “Shop, luv ya [kiss] [plus ass grab if culturally appropriate]”, then park your lazy ass to watch the games, Red Zone, and updated fantasy stats and bank statements. On the home alone front, you can also get up early, do chores and cook and laundry and crap before or during the first quarter of the first game. Then guilt-trip everyone about leaving you alone to rest. If you do it drunkenly, rest assured you will be left alone on Sunday, and beyond.

The next step, of course, is to just plunk yourself on the couch / bed / hammock / swing and apologize the next day. Well, not apologize apologize, because it will happen again. More like, give an explanation of how you were a victim of circumstances that struck at the very fiber of your being and left you vulnerable: “It’s been a tough week at work”, “I forgot to renew my dispensary card”, “I was expecting the call from the lab any minute”, “My back”, “Not my fault”…

The bye week for your team, well. You can sacrifice it and use it a reset button. It’s texting time:

Baby, Ive been thinking a lot about what u said. Even though every thought and feeling you share wit me  is seared into my mind because you are inecxostibly interesting, one in particular shook me: that you are feeling ?“ignored”. 

Bebé, I don’t blame u for throwing a spoon at me for calling you “needy”. I frgiv u. ?

U are unique and deserve affection because u are tight af.

And unteligent. Makes me ???

 Ure my everything. U occupy my every thought. Let’s get away this weekend to thet  Airbnb that had AC in every room and be naked all day eating Cheetos. I already bought the Chubs ?

Hmm. Best to say that over the phone, especially the emojis. A screenshot would be proof of brazen hypocrisy.

For the rest of the Sundays, you gotta manage to get away but stay in touch. Time to pass memes, encourage texting, and be ready to be engaging. Timing is the key to be engaging, to be able to reply fast. So keep a cheat sheet handy:

On tonight’s sports, a slim docket (all times Central):

MLB

Red Sawx (Price 7-4) @ Yankis (Hpp 8-6) – 6 PM, ESPN

MLS

DC United vs. Philadelphia Union – 6:30 PM, FS1 + Fox Deportes

Seattle Sounders vs. Sporting KC – 9:00 PM, FS1 + Fox Deportes

HBO is also showing “Mean Girls”, which is a damn masterpiece. Lizzy is The Best, and Kevin Gnapoor is BOSS. Plus, it had an evergreen outline for inciting any successful revolution:

It’s almost time fer footbaw! At last.