As God is my witness,

I had no idea where to go with this year’s preview. I have covered the Falcons for [DFO] for the last three years, each with diminishing returns:

• 2016 – NFC Champion; lost to Patriots in Super Bowl – compared them to types of mayonnaise
• 2017 – Wildcard; lost to Eagles in Divisional Round – compared them to types of ketchup
• 2018 – finished 7-9 & missed playoffs – compared them to types of beer

There’s really only one more step for this team to take,

But we must soldier on, and see what awaits before our fiery end.

But while preparing yesterday evening’s open thread, a story came across my screen from the word-vomit machine known as ProFootballTalk:

Matt Ryan currently has 295 career touchdown passes and 46,720 passing yards, having just passed notable Super Bowl watchers Carson Palmer & Vinny Testaverde respectively.

Matt Ryan, a human being so bland he makes mayonnaise look like ethnic food, is about to pass Fran Tarkenton, Warren Moon and John Elway to move up to ninth in passing yards this season. Ryan is currently 12th in passing touchdowns and likely to move ahead of Elway and into 11th place this season.

But just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. So let’s take a look at a possible wildcard contender from the NFC South, in the only way I can make it tolerable – a GIF party!

Offense:

Quarterback: Matt Ryan

I’m sorry, that’s kinda mean. Let’s look at another play…

Nope. He could end up Number One on all all-time QB lists, and he’ll still be the schmo that let the Patriots back into a Super Bowl they had no business winning.

So since the Falcons have made their bed with him, let’s look at the supporting cast.

Receivers:

Gift from God Julio Jones.

Gift from Cincinnati Mohammed Sanu.

And gift from the NFL Draft Calvin Ridley.

Hell – even I could throw for 2,000 yards with these three as targets. Yet all you need to know about how poorly the Falcons did can be summed up in the stat that Julio Jones didn’t have a receiving touchdown until Week 14.

He also has the poorer-man’s Tyler Eifert at Tight End, Austin Hooper. Hooper, who has been plagued with knee & ankle injuries since December 2018, is in his third year with the Falcons, and has given them consistency at the position since the retirement of Chiefs Hall of Famer & former Falcons rental Tony Gonzalez.

Running Backs:

They no longer have the two-headed monster of Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman, as Coleman took his skills to the Bay Area for $10 million ($5 million per) from the Niners. They still have Ito Smith, who is looking to recover from season-ending injuries much like Freeman will.

If either one of them go down, the load will fall onto rookie Qadree Ollison, whom the Falcons drafted in the 5th round out of Pitt.

Offensive Line:

Defense:

Defensive Line:

The bread & butter of the Falcons defense is the front line. Man-beast & fantasy god Vic Beasley anchors a 4-3 defense that should be able to conquer almost any offensive line thrown at them. Takkarist McKinley led the team in sacks with seven – not much, but each member of the 2018 front-four had at least four sacks, so the load was spread evenly, showing how teams couldn’t focus on one man.

Safety & Cornerback:

This is where it can all fall apart for the Falcons. Being tight against the salary cap (see: Ryan, M) means that if one of their rearguard goes down, there’s little money to bring in someone effective – because those type are very expensive.

Like last year’s season opener, when Keanu Neal tore his ACL in the first quarter and subsequently missed the whole season. The load then fell onto Desmond Trufant, who led the team with 12 passes defensed but zero interceptions.

The Falcons achilles heel will be whether they can keep these guys healthy, because they have to play the Saints & Panthers twice, and Brees & Newton will be able to carve up any replacements the Falcons are forced to field.

Special Teams:

Matt Bryant is gone, released after 10 seasons yet somehow not trying out for the Bears, and has been replaced by the guy who also replaced Sebastian Janikowski in 2018, Randy Orton.

Sorry; wrong Legend Killer. He was replaced by Giorgio Tavecchio,

who I’m sure won’t crack under the pressure. After all, you don’t play on five teams in five years without knowing what “pressure” is.

Head coach:

Dan Quinn is entering his fifth year as the Falcons head coach, and despite the 7-9 record in 2018 is still firmly the boss.

Under him is an “Are you fucking kidding me?” of ex- head coaches now working as coordinators, including Raheem Morris (Bucs), Mike Mularkey (Titans), and Dirk Koetter (Bucs). Also, they have the poor-man’s Spygate scandal – the Broncos videotaping the Niners during practice for the 2009 London game – on staff with Steve Scarnecchia as an assistant to Quinn. Scarnecchia was almost banned from the league over this,

because he had also been a principal player in Spygate during his time with the Patriots.

Again, once you get below head coach, the Falcons braintrust is a veritable “No, seriously?” of coaching talent that will give Drew Brees priapism before each Falcons game he plays this year.

Conclusion:

Prediction:

If things go as planned, 9-7 is where they will land. A couple of lucky breaks or opponent missed kicks could get them to 11-5, but it just as easily could be 7-9 if the right/wrong players get hurt. I guarantee you this – if they somehow make the playoffs,