Your 2019 Seattle Seahawks Preview

Rainy City Football Chums Walkthrough

D.J. Fluker would like you to get excited about this season

Here we are at the beginning of another new season and lo, what promise it holds. More replays! Endless delays! And despite all this, many missed calls. Makes you wonder why you sat and watched three idiots blathering in a booth about a microscopic difference in ball position when you could have been enjoying actual football being played (try catching the Vanier Cup sometime. It is a delight to never start to cheer, then stop cheering because you know the play will be reviewed, then half-heartedly cheer again a quarter-hour later when the original call is upheld). I put my over/under on games I turn off in disgust at 8 this year. None of them, however, will be Seahawks games.

D.J. Fluker, enjoying an interminable replay delay

First, the big stuff. Doug Baldwin is gone. Retired due to an accumulation of injuries. He will be sorely missed as a top-notch receiver with exceptional quickness off the ball and a stellar rapport with Russell Wilson. The other big loss is Frank Clark, traded to the Chiefs for draft picks. The big retention is all-pro linebacker Bobby Wagner, who is rivalled only by Mr. Kuechly for best in the business. 

I don’t pay attention to the preseason since it is totally meaningless and worthless except as a means to find out who got slow and who got fat so here is how the team is looking, not including injuries or potential arrests.

Here’s D.J. Fluker again. You do not call D.J. Fluker fat or slow

QB:

Rusty is back and healthy. 

RB:

Chris Carson comes off a 1,000 yard season as the lead tailback and will try to fend off last year’s first round pick Penny. Penny has shown flashes of hard-to-find speed and elusiveness for a big back but has yet to force Pete’s hand and take the top job. McKissic seems to be just a returner now and Prosise is probably not long for a Seahawks uniform if he doesn’t show something impressive to start the year. 

WR:

Without Dougie drawing attention it will be on Tyler Lockett to show he can be the top guy in the passing attack. His deep ball game with Russ was unmatched last year but he is just a little fella and it remains to be seen if he can do it as the #1 guy. DK Metcalf gets a lot of press but he is a rookie WR and those typically have a tough time adjusting in year one. I think it’s more likely David Moore continues to improve and ends up as the #2 option. We all know who Jaron Brown is at this point and beyond that there are mostly rookies and size/speed guys who drop too many balls to be relied upon.

TE:

Nick Vannett has never really taken the starting job and made it his so he might be playing for a job this year. Jacob Hollister has some promise as a receiving tight end and Ed Dickson is still around but the hope is that Will Dissly is who we saw at the start of last year and becomes the blocking/receiving TE the team has been looking for since Zach Miller was around. 

OL:

Most of the line returns intact, which is very good for the running game. This is a group of veteran, grown-ass men in Duane Brown, Justin Britt, and D.J. Fluker and they shouldn’t miss a beat by swapping out J.R. Sweezy for Mike Iupati at LG. Flag factory Germain Ifedi is also back at RT. George Fant could push for his spot, though, instead of being the extra OL/Wide End. He’s a great athlete and could play RT and then bump outside to the edge when the Hawks go with 6 on the line. 

Grown-ass men

 DL:

The defensive line took a couple of solid body-blows this offseason with the trade of sack leader Frank Clark and the six game suspension of Jarran Reed. It will be tough to replace the 23.5 combined sacks those two had last year. Inside, there’s not much of a pass-rush presence until Reed gets back. Poona Ford played well last year and should be a starter this year but beyond that there’s just a bunch of guys unless Nazair Jones steps up or one of the vets gets a fire under his ass. The edges look a bit better, even without Clark. L.J. Collier was taken in the first round but nobody should be counting on a rookie. Instead, creatively-named reclamation projects Barkevious Mingo and Ziggy Ansah will be expected to contribute and a second-year jump from Rasheem Green would not be unwelcome.

LB: 

The starters here are second to none in Wagner, who is great at everything, and K.J. Wright, one of the best cover LBs in the game. If Mychal Kendricks plays in the CLink and not the clink, he’s shown he can still play at a reasonably high level. Beyond that there isn’t much to rave about but I know the coaching staff likes the two guys they drafted and they should contribute on special teams at the least this year.

[D.J. Fluker’s father calls D.J. Mr. Fluker
CB:

Shaqull Griffin doesn’t get the respect he deserves, manning Sherm’s old spot on the left side of the defence. His interception numbers aren’t high but if you actually watch the games you can tell this guy knows how to play. Tre Flowers was very impressive last year on the other side after being converted from a safety in his first year out of college. A year and an offseason at CB should only help and he could be a huge impact this year. The nickel spot is in the air after the departure of Justing Coleman, at least I think it is since they went out and got DeShawn Shead. He’s a good player who can do some stuff in the big nickel packages the Hawks like to use as well.   

S:

Despite what some noodle-armed eggheads on the NFL network think, Bradley MacDougald was an unsung star of the entire secondary last year and will hopefully play at the same level after an injury cut short his 2018 season. The FS spot opposite MacDougald is a mystery, as it was last year. Tedric Thompson could play there but so could Lano Hill or one of the rookies. In any case, Pete knows how to coach up a secondary so whoever plays there will not be a weakness on this defence.

K/P:

The kicker is good. The punter is good.

This leads me to my forecast for the season. At this time last year the powder-faced dweebs on television had the Hawks getting anywhere from five to nine wins, with most of the predictions being closer to five. Of course, since these sniveling weasels know close to nothing about any team not in L.A., Dallas, or the Northeast, they were very wrong. As long as the NFL scriptwriters keep their big-market pandering to a minimum, 10 to 12 wins is realistic and Seattle should challenge for the division with the Rams. The 49ers are still missing too many pieces to take seriously and the Cardinals remain the weak sister of the division even with their new college coach and QB.

There you have it – from my fingers to your brain. Now all there is to do is hope for no injuries during this endless stretch of pointless televised scrimmages. 

Professional man-shover. Seen here next to a regulation-sized human
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BC Dick
An aspiring nihilist who lives in British Columbia and feels nothing while watching the Seahawks, Blue Jays, Lions, Canucks, and several local minor league teams.
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[…] back at my Seahawks season preview I will happily admit I was wrong regarding DK Metcalf’s ability to play at a high level as a […]

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How many of these names came from the Hingle McCringleberry name generator?

Don T

Great stuff
/ sets Canadian TakeoUver Clock 7 minutes ahead

Beerguyrob

This was a delightful addition to the canon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m assuming it was set to “vibrate”.

Brick Meathook

Dem dere western Canada byes sure as got some fixation on dem Seahawks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

now that the pics are up…JEEBUS, that last dude is like a black Andre the Giant.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

that said, can nae confirm whether he Has a Posse!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, sorry, you said POSSE.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

I love the “aspiring nihilist” author description.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I laughed:

http

s://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/man-strips-and-runs-in-front-of-seattle-news-reporter-unedited.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

Flag factory Germain Ifedi is also back at RT.

A very good line.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; them and Rammit; whomever is the least injured during the season will take it.

litre_cola

Sorry BC Dick I didnt get to put in the pics for you. Basically they were all porn shots of Fluker anyway.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

After factor equipment.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*factory

But factor also seems relevant.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.

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nomonkeyfun

“Oh yeah, well we were good before you.”
-T.O.
“There wasn’t even a team in Seattle then.”
-12s

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Game Time Decision

throws out back trying to imitate this
/built for it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Seattle really should be the Patriots of the NFC. That division blows.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One of the teams made it to some big game last year, can’t remember……

King Hippo

Is Balls sacred duty to shit on RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!, though I am lukewarm this coming season. But Jeanine Garofolo is back, so history will be HERstory soon enough.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

While the NFC West has two pretty weak teams (as you said; exactly how weak is to be determined), there is no comparison the AFC east’s long standing shittyness. The roll over to hand the Patriot the division title will continue for the foreseeable future.

King Hippo

oh, no question. The LOLfins are almost trying to lose, and the Wagon Circlers and Jest couldn’t do anything but shoot themselves in the foot even if they do make an effort.

You could argue that the 3 worst teams in the AFC (maybe the whole NFL) are in the East, and I wouldn’t argue against it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wouldn’t argue against it.

DAMN IT!

King Hippo

just did 538’s personality test, and got 75 out of 100 on “agreeableness”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ha! Mine basically said “Engineer.”

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King Hippo

perhaps the best moment in my life was seeing my “famous comp” as fellow INTJ Michelle Obama.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mine was Jeffery Dalmer.

King Hippo

sooooooo jelly