Oh, kids! I was scanning YouTube last week (Wednesday, to be exact) looking for the latest How To Drink video and I saw an ad for a familiar friend: Temptation Island. When I clicked on it, I realized that it wasn’t really so much an ad but the entire first episode of Season Two!

You know, they say we can’t have nice things because we touch ourselves, but that’s just not true. Sometimes in life, good things happen to you when you least expect them.

It is in this celebratory mood that I present to you the Return of Temptation Island Talk!

Now, the Season Premiere actually airs tonight on USA Network, the same network that carried the show last year. As I mentioned above, they decided to upload the show to YouTube a week ahead of the premiere. Was the reason that they wanted young (at heart) writers in love with the show to write awesome (well…I try) articles about the show hoping to drum up interest?

MAYBE!

In any case, here is the first episode, in all of its glory:

https://youtu.be/Wxs0xpE3jzw

And now, here is your recap!

***

Season 2 Episode 1 Recap

To remind you what we are getting ourselves into, the premise of this show is the same as it was last season and the same as it was when the show first aired in 2001. From the USA Network website:

Temptation Island follows four dating couples at a pivotal time in their relationships, where they must mutually decide if they are ready to commit to one another for the rest of their lives — or go their separate ways.

USA Network

Four couples arrive and then are separated. The women go to one island villa in Maui where they are joined by 12 young, hard, and fit men.

Take a tour of the girls’ villa here:

The men go to their separate villa where they are joined by 12 young, sexy, and bikini-clad women. Check it out here:

Hijinks, drama, tears, and breakups ensue.

Let’s meet this year’s protagonists, shall we?

The Only Person That Could Possibly Host This Show

Couple #1

Couple #2

Couple #3

Couple #4

The Singles

Just looking at the pictures, I have some initial thoughts:

• Is it raycess if I call one White Ashley and the other Black Ashley?
• Is it going to be annoying if I refer to Couple #2 as Rick Astley?
• David is Latino. Vegas odds on whether he cheats on Kate are off the board.
• Am I the only one that thinks Anne Hathaway should fire her agent for putting her on Temptation Island?
• Can I call White Ashley Healthy Weight Anne Hathaway?
• You pretty much have to work out like crazy to be on this show, right?

Here is a little background info on each of the couples:

White Ashley is 25 while her boyfriend Casey is 26. They have been dating for a year and a half. They met on a dating app. She has been cheated on in the past and she has trouble trusting Casey.

Rick Astley is 32 and 30, respectively and have been dating for 4 years off and on. That means he cheated on her once and she took him back. That’s really all you need to know.

Kate, 34, is the cougar to David’s 28-year old boytoy. Despite the age difference, they have been dating for 3 years and are living together. Either she gets high all the time or she cries all the time as her eyes were bloodshot the entire first episode.

Finally, Esonica, 30, is a former Miss US Virgin Islands and met Gavin, 26, at a club where he was a bouncer. They have been dating for a little less than a year and already they are on Temptation Island. Do I need to say it?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that all four couples are FUCKED. I don’t see anyone staying together. I mean, things can and do change, but almost all of these people are damaged by prior infidelities. And we’re putting them in an island full of hot people and in situations that are exotic and exciting?

Yeah, I’m sure everything will be fine.

***

The show starts with shots of beautiful Hawaiian beaches and vistas with Mark L on voiceover giving the show the gravitas it truly deserves. We are shown the new couples and they seem… fine. Neither the girls nor the guys stand out like last year’s couples, but let’s give them some time, shall we?

Mark L is explaining the process and they are showing shots of the couples throughout the entire season. Perhaps a little foreshadowing or the clever insertion of some red herrings? I wouldn’t put anything past this fine production/editing team.

I can already tell this season is going to be better than last year…

Mark L finalizes his speech and he’s on the beach and there’s the patented helicopter pullaway shot. This time, he says, “HERE… on Temptation Island!”

He does a small spreading of his arms and that’s progress. I’m still waiting for the full spread arm and 360 surround shot from yesteryear.

The theme song comes on and it cracks me up every time that the lyrics are “You’re not going to tempt me” when that’s exactly what is going to happen.

Now the couples are being introduced and I have to say, this really should have been the picture featured in all the publicity stills on the Temptation Island website for White Ashley and Casey:

The couples are on the ship (heading to Temptation Island, duh!) and are talking about what’s going to happen in the next few weeks. It’s really funny how they have no idea how they are going to fuck up their lives/relationships. Either that or they hide it really well.

Now, it’s time for the videos of the couples at home introducing themselves and talking about their relationships. First up: Casey and White Booty Ashley.

They met on social media and I’m an old, so I don’t know what that means. What the fuck ever happened to meeting a 10 at 2 AM at a bar and waking up at 10 AM with a 2? Anyway, she’s bubbly and he’s goofy and my God what a dorky white couple!

Ashley is talking about relationships prior to Casey and says that it was easy to cheat on her and she felt she wasn’t good enough for someone. That’s both sad and depressing.

***

Rick Astley have been off and on because Rick cheated on Astley. Now she’s back and she wants a ring. His parents were divorced, so he’s hesitant about commitment. We all see where this is going, right?

They say nice things about each other, but they are also sniping at each other. Methinks there are unresolved feelings that will, hopefully, tear these two apart. Always remember that I root for breakups not for the sake of breakups but so that stupid people don’t end up together.

***

Kate is crying on the boat and David tells her not to cry. I’ve always found that works very well. Totally stops the tears. They have been together for three years even though they started as a long-distance relationship.

I now remind you of the famous Spanish proverb that my mother taught me: Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Also, Kate was married before, cheated on her husband, and feels karma is going to get her.

You can tell David is Latino because

***

Finally, Gavin kinda looks like Jerome Bettis from Miami, not Detroit. He and Esonica talk about this not being a “luxurious breakup experience” when that’s probably exactly what it’s going to be.

She’s looking for marriage and he’s trying to make sure she’s the one. Esonica doesn’t trust Gavin. He’s trying to convince her that she can.

Yeah.

***

They all get off the boat catamaran and meet Mark L at the shore. More blah blah blah about their fears, their hopes, their dreams, etc. We get it, they’re nervous.

Mark brings them into one of the villas that has a bunch of pink couches and I’m guessing this is the Girls’ Villa. He asks them why they’re there.

The distrust among these couples is high. Like tWBS in California high.

Everyone on this island has trust issues except for Mark L because he has his shit together and probably owns at least half of this show.

Mark L contributes to the couples’ nervousness by noting that all the singles are here to find love. He then proposes a toast which, ominously, only mentions that he hopes they find the answers they came here to find.

Freixenet must not have paid their bill from last season as they all raise a glass of unidentified bubbly. BTW, I did buy a bottle of Pau vodka, featured heavily last year and made from pineapples! I thoroughly recommend using it on a Screwdriver.

As I thought, this is the Girls’ villa.

Now everyone goes over to the Boys’ villa and that’s pretty nice too. Their couches are blue. There are also chairs set up at the edge of the pool which can only mean one thing.

Sure enough, 12 men and 12 women walk out from behind a bright light. Everyone is swearing and they only bleeped the “fuck”s but not the “shit”s. We truly live in amazing times.

Like last year, they all start to realize they’ve made horrible mistakes by coming here.

All the single men and women introduce themselves and the lines are as cheesy as always. Toneta pronounces her name Tone-ita and lives in LA. Of course she does.

The girls are actively mocking Kate and her insecurities. Oooh, I’ve missed the cattiness!

Finally, the boys and girls are dismissed and the couples are left alone with Mark. He asks their impressions and it’s so funny how all the guys are totally insecure because they’re making fun of the single dudes. Be careful, that dude you made fun of may be anally banging your girlfriend in a week. That’s how karma works. Just ask Kate.

Mark tells the couples that they will split for the night (boys will sleep in their villa and the girls will sleep in theirs) but that they will see each other the following day. They’re emotional.

The boys sit down on one of the blue couches after the girls leave and ask themselves if they are scared of what they’re going to do or of what their girl is going to do. This is actually a great question and I have no doubt someone on Mark L’s staff planted that one on them.

To my delight, Casey says that he’s 0% worried about what White Ashley is going to do. OH SWEET DELUDED CASEY! You have no idea, brother. If a girl wants to cheat, she will cheat. And she will cheat better than you. In every way.

Just ask Kate.

Meanwhile, the girls are dishing about the single girls and talking shit. The next morning, Mark L shows up to the Boys’ Villa and asks them about the singles. Then, he brings in the Single girls. He leaves them with the Boys and tells them to have a good time.

A single girl whispers, “Let’s get drunk!” and I’d like to think she reads DFO.

They’re doing shots first thing in the morning and if that doesn’t have DFO written all over it, I don’t know what does.

Something similar is happening at the Girls’ Villa. You can already see the single guys working on the coupled girls’ insecurities. It’s beautiful to watch. Game recognize game, yo.

Mark L comes around and ends the party at the Boys’ villa by announcing that the boys need to go to dinner with their girlfriends. A blonde shakes her ass goodbye.

For now.

At the dinner, Mark L asks the couples questions about the singles. It’s interesting that he’s doing it in front of the significant others. It’s Mark L stoking the fires and I love it. Well fucking done, Mark L!

White Ashley is really fucked in the head. Poor girl has serious self-esteem issues. I bet you she loves anal.

Mark L asks everyone what would happen if their partner were to fall in love with someone. NO ONE liked that question.

Mark L gives them 10 minutes to say goodbye. In what has become one of my favourite things since this show returned to the airwaves, he ominously says that for some it’s goodbye for now and for others it’s goodbye… FOREVER.

I love this show.

The rest of the episode is all drama and tears and soon-to-be-broken promises. Everyone argues. It’s hilarious. Casey tells White Ashley that he’s not all her exes and that’s a fucking DAGGER! Well fucking done, dude. Your relationship is going down the toilet, but you’re going out the right way.

Also, someone needs to get Kate some Gatorade, Powerade, or Pedialyte and some Visine. STAT!

And that’s all she wrote. To sum up,

***

Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it:

• Rick Astley: Fuckrolled
• Ashley and Casey: White Fucked
• Esonica and Gavin: Island Fucked
• Kate and David: Jodidos

I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Thursday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Thursday (Episode 1 airs TONIGHT!) on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

It’s good to be back.

(124/69)