VOICE OVER: BNN PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION ACTS AS A PUBLIC FAH-RUM FOR ALL BAWSTAN RESIDENTS, NAWN-PROFIT AND COMMUNITY-BASED ORH-GANIZATIONS, PRAH-VIDING THEM WITH AWFORDABLE TRAINING AND ACCESS TO EMEHGERIN’ MEDIA TECHNOLOGIES. GO SAUX!
[COMMERCIAL FLIES OPEN]
[A very blurry camera zooms in and out while the auto-focus tries desperately to keep up. The figure on the screen is beyond recognition]
???: DID YOU HIT FACKIN’ RECO-HD?! Oh wait, theahs the light…
[The figure comes into focus]
TAWMMY: HELLO BEAN TOWN! IT’S YOUR NATIVE SON, TAWMMY, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE GREAHTEST PLACE IN THE WAHLD!
???: [Off camera] Inside yo-ah sistah?
TAWMMY: [Advancing] SULLY, YOU PIECEA SHI– [Hard cut]
[Shot resets]
TAWMMY: WITH THE RECENT TRAHGETIES AH-FECTING US HE-AH IN NEW ENGLAND AND THEREFO-AH EVERYWHEAH, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THAT TRAIT-AH, THE GOAT, TAWM BRADY, WHO I REALLY NEV-AH LIKED ANYWAY, INTO MAKING FILMS! NOTHING BETTAH TO DO NOW THAT THEY CANCELED THE ALL SPAWRTS JUST BECAWSE THE BRUINS WERE IN FAHST! BUT THIS ISN’T NO LAWST ANGEL-LEAST PICT-CHA! [Snickers to self] NO! SIXTY-NINE PRADUCTIONS IS ABOUT THE BLUE COLLAH WAHKING BAWSTAHN MAN! ALL OWAH FILMS AHH INSPIAHED FRAWM TRUE EHVENTS, NAWT LIKE THOSE DIRECTAHS FROM “THE AVENGAHS” WHO MADE CAPTAIN AMERICAH INTO A FACKING DAHHKIE!
???: [Off camera] FAKE NEWS!
TAWMMY: [Dips, stares into the camera for 5 seconds and then splits]
SOME OF OWAH WAHKING TITLES INCLUDE:
[Titles slowly scroll up from the bottom of the screen]
- I FINGAH BLASTED SALLY MCKENZEE BEFORE MORP
- THAT TIME WE SAVED MIKEY WITH NARCAN
- THAT TIME WE DIDN’T SAVE MIKEY WITH NARCAN
- “SHUT IT, PADDY, THE SAUX AHH ON!”
- HOUSE-O RAN OVAH THAT DAHHKIES FOOT IN FROHNT OF FLANNERY’S
- THAT NIGHT I CALLED ADAM JONES A [CENSORED] FROM THE MONSTAH
- PAULIE DRANK TOO MUCH HAHD CIDAH AND PASSED OUT IN THE GUTTAH
- SCAWLED THAT GIANTS FAN WITH HOT CHOWDA
- WHEN I SAW BILL SIMMONS AT THE AIR-PAWT AND CAWLED HIM A LEGEND AND A HOLLYWOOD QWEEAH
- I BROKE THE CURSE OF THE BAMBINO (GOT LAID)
- DUNKED LIKE LAHHY BAHD ON SOME HIGHSCHOOLAHS
- “I CAN’T FIND A RUBBAH”
- KICKED OUTTA TD GAHDENS FOR CROWD SAH-FING
- WE JUMPED AN A-RAHB IN SOUTHIE #BAWSTONSTRONG
- CAWGHT A WICKED TUNA WITH MY BARE HAHNDS
- I HEADBANGED TO HOOOOOOB-AH-STANK TOO HAHD AND PUKED BEE-AH ON JENNY’S JEW BOYFRIEND
- AND MANY MOAH…
SO STAY TUNED FOH MOAH, AND REMEMBAH TO STAY SAFE AND DRINK LOTS OF SAMMY ADAMS! IT WON’T GETCHA SICK LIKE THAT MEXICAN PISSAH BEE-AH!
[Hard cut]
VOICE OVER: WE NOW RETUHN TO BNN’S LONGEST RHUNNING PROGRAM, DAYS OF OWAH LIVES.
JOEY: [Sobbing] I’M TELLING YA, MAHK, IT’S OVAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WOULD DO THIS TO ME!
MARK: WHAT HAPPENED?! DID SHE CHEAT ON YOU, BRO?!
JOEY: [Fighting back tears] LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!
MARK: IT WASN’T WITH A DAHHKIE, WAS IT, BRO?!
JOEY: WAHSE! I FOWND HER… HER… [Breaking down] WEAHING A FACKING YANKEES HAT!
[Channel changes]
[…] Commander (Read the whole post. It’s […]
“What are you laughing about, Rikki?” – Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (ret)
People have said this but I took a look at the guidelines for social distancing and I’m not sure I can do this.
I mean this means getting more involved and a lot closer to people than I’m used to.
I giggled way too much at a lot of things in this.
Me too, and three fingers smell funny.
It’s tough when you have the best QB to ever play the game (Mahomes) in the same conference. If Brady goes to the Rams, then KC can beat them in the SB. Then the best QB ever has played against the second best QB ever, and all is right in the game.
What is MORP and why was Sally Mackenzie fingerblasted before and not during it?
BECAWSE SHE’S A WHOAH WHO CAHN’T WAIT FOAH MINUTES TA GET FINGAH BLAHSTED!!! READ YOUAH FAHCKIN’ SCRIPT YA QUEEAH!!!
Well I nevah… a hooligan like you would be cut, socially of course, if you talked so at the YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD.
\trips over bag with $500,000,000 labelled, VI donation for Harvard
You have no idea how much I enjoy a well crafted narcan joke, and this? *chef’s kiss*
Mikey should have learned his lesson the first time.
MIKEY WAS FAHKIN SAWFT, SAAAAAAWFT but then like, kinda cold n stiff n shit, fahk I fahkin miss fahkin Mikey ah gawd what I have I daaaaahn
This is fucking perfect. I think this post will turn out to be the turning point in this crisis. All will be well.
Thank you for using FINGAH BLASTED in a post and making me giggle.