2020 Quotables – Week 2 (Submissions)

blaxabbath
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New stadiums and injuries are all the talk, I understand, this season. Me? I recently found out I’ve been in a fantasy league I was not aware of and am 1-1. Am I Jeff Fischer? Well, can’t argue with results.

Again, minimal fan value in this season’s gifs. Lots of weird reaction videos (as the internet often produces) and whatever but let’s try to keep Quotables as normal as possible this week. There will be time for Zoom press conference jokes and crowd fights soon enough. But for now, I need you all to just go out there and do your job! So now that you’re all pumped up and I met DTZM‘s word limit,  please find below your Week 1 Quotables submissions.


Sheeple Celebration

 


Not likely to be the most destructive twister Texans face this year…

Good God, The Dolphins, have a little self respect.

Haven’t seen a Chief get taken out in LA this violently since Lazarus tried poisoning the drinking water.

The “Front Line Heroes” messaging is lost on Atlanta.

“The Bears have someone to build around with Trubisky…”

The JAX/TEN buffoonery isn’t the same without the COLOR RUSH.

Peyton WHO?

Every Hall of Famer has a blooper reel, Matt.

 

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blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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WhyEaglesWhy

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“I’m not an expert, but I don’t think that’s what bullfighting is.”

WhyEaglesWhy

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“I’m so glad my family could see this big win! It’s too bad for everyone else they used up all 2,500 of the available seats.”

WhyEaglesWhy

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“Hey everybody, Gruden might try to high-five us, so you can’t be too careful.”

Beerguyrob

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Ray Lewis Sunday afternoon: ATTA BOY INGRAM! Dance your dance!

Ray Lewis Monday morning: I didn’t see anything, officer.

Senor Weaselo

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“Yeah, FUCK YOU! YOU’RE NOBODY, COCKWALLET!” -Rivers to empty seat

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Reminds me of the greased pig competition they used to have in Kansas City every year. I say “used to” because since Andy Reid found out that they’ll barbecue the pig for the winner, it hasn’t been much of a competition anymore.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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COBRA KAI! COBRA KAI! COBRA KAI!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Are we sure he was dispensing hand sanitizer? Maybe he was dispensing Pez!” – Eli Manning, eagerly anticipating Halloween

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled Quotables Hilarity for so fun news:

“An Oregon man accidentally shot himself in the groin while showing off his firearm to shoppers waiting in a supermarket checkout line, Newsweek reports.
When cops showed up to McKay’s Market in Lincoln City, they found 29-year-old Nicholas J. Ellingford with a wound to his groin area and leg.

“As Ellingford was placing the firearm back in the front of his pants near the zipper [and] button areas, he accidentally pulled the trigger causing the firearm to discharge,” Sgt. Jeffrey Winn said in a press release.
While no one else was injured in the incident, a criminal investigation is underway.
“Ellingford did not have a concealed handgun license and his act was found to be reckless since it placed several people in danger,” Winn said.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

“As they say in the U.S. Navy, there is no wrong hole.”

— George Carlin

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The DFObots got the celebratory dance gif.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Any guesses as to who he planned to vote for?
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Unsurprised

JFC. You just need to have a pulse to get a CCW here.

ArmedandHammered

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Can I include this in my portfolio for my requested forthcoming trade after Aaron is gone, Mr. Gutekunst? After all it shows I can clearly throw to the green jerseys.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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No fans = no heathens in the stadium = it’s babymaking time!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[wife’s vagina runs and hides.]

Unsurprised

If it could run and hide, he wouldn’t have enough kids to field a football team.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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ANY GOOD HOOKER IN DALLAS KNOWS YOU JUMP RIGHT ON ANY BALLS ON THE GROUND YEEHAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Tom Coughlin is rolling over in his bedpan

Last edited 27 days ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is fucking funny. Although I’d expect him to be a traditional “tough guy” and use a wheelbarrow.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The old age hoe does not use wheelbarrows, time for a refund, he’ll take it in onions.

ArmedandHammered

“The old age hoe does not use wheelbarrows”, Moose I must thank you, as now death does not approach fast enough for met to get that mental image conjured by that sentence, out of my mind forever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is the best typo I’ve made all day, and I’ve made quite a few.

ArmedandHammered

Toilets are too new fangled for him and he refuses to wear Depends because they are not made of burlap and raw cotton.

Last edited 27 days ago by ArmedandHammered
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Prettiest balls in Chicago since Sexy Rexy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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WHY? OH! MEAN!
–Miami Dolphins

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

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Honestly, it was kinda touching that Miami chose to honor the Kenosha protesters who went after Kyle Rittenhouse.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Miami defenders are great at acting like they’ve been shot. Chiefs players actually shoot themselves.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Can’t beat the Bears, can’t beat the Packers… ELITE

SonOfSpam

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“Next score, we do the ‘Travis Henry at a Hoodrat Convention’ skit.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is good. I can’t wait until the “Julianisch Edelman visits the Holocaust Museum.” quotable.

SonOfSpam

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Find it really hard to believe an Atlanta pro athlete kept his hands off a spinner for that long.

nomonkeyfun

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I haven’t seen a Cowboy jump on a ball like that since I spent Halloween with Buddy.

nomonkeyfun

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I haven’t seen a Chief take a shot like that since Jovan Belcher.

LemonJello

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Last edited 27 days ago by LemonJello
Brocky

/

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Gus Frerotte: /cums

Brocky

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abortion getting outlawed? Fuck yeah!

Brocky

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somewhere in Mid-tennessee, a humble chicken farmer is struck by a sense of deja vu.

he promptly ignores it and lights up a cigarette

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

I would smoke it when the Old Man wasn’t looking, so he wouldn’t Bogart it.

Brocky

if it’s not obvious, I’m comparing trubisky to a another chicago quarterback with an unreliable receiving Corp
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WCS

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YA BETTA CALLLLL SOMEBOOODDDDYYYYYYYYYY

LemonJello

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Good to see the Zapruders are still in the Videography business

ballsofsteelandfury

Back and to the left nut.

LemonJello

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Poor Fat Sackford, he just really wants to be like AAron…

Game Time Decision

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Having fins instead of arms makes tackling much harder.

nomonkeyfun

Thalidomide, it’s a hell of a drug.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Can we have a followup winner? Kinda defeats the point, but this is damn good.

LemonJello

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“Maybe next week you sodomites and self-abusing cock wallets will let my entire family into the stadium!?!”

Game Time Decision

and fill the stadium

ArmedandHammered

His wife keeps desperately asking if the 6ft distancing rule should be used at home and in bed.

Unsurprised

Not far enough if Rex Grossman meets her.

Game Time Decision

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I’m to throw it to the guy in the green jersey?
-C Wentz, taking notes

LemonJello

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Yakety Sax refuses to take part in this.

Downfield Matriculator

But sad trombone is on the case.

LemonJello

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The Texans (?) logo would like to apologize for its role in this incident involving a Raven’s running back…

King Hippo

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ah wish ah could quit tacklin’ yeeeewwww

Game Time Decision

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Impregnates in a new town

Game Time Decision

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Who still has feeling in their fingers?
checks team
NFL concussion protocol says your good to go.

Downfield Matriculator

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Sweep the Hoof!