- Request Line: Celebration Rock - November 7, 2020
- The Dak Prescott School of Maturity: Introduction to Horror - October 31, 2020
- SURPRISE REQUEST LINE: Just Breathe - October 6, 2020
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
A group of laptops are spread around a conference table, all facing each other. An intraday chart showing both $UPRO and $TMF is displayed via a projector. The sound of light snoring can be heard, though it is not clear which laptop it is emanating from.
JOSH ROSEN: So…how long are we going to be keeping up with this “buy and hold” strategy of UPRO and TMF, anyhow?
BILL O’BRIEN: For however long it k-k-k-keeps p-p-p-paying off, Josh. It’s up 23% since we made the move in January. I’m sorry you find it dull.
JOSH ROSEN: It’s okay. It’s just that I’ve been running the numbers and it feels like we’ve been playing things a little too safe.
— [seven proxies fly open] —
HUE JACKSON: So you’re looking to take a few gambles, eh?
KATIE NOLAN: Holy shit! You’re still alive?
LAWRENCE TYNES: Of course I’m still alive, every time you jerks see a bunch of nurses run in here with a crash cart and administer a few CC’s of epinephrine you automatically assume that…
KATIE NOLAN: Lawrence, have you been paying attention?
LAWRENCE TYNES: Huh? Sorry, I had blacked out for a minute.
KATIE NOLAN: Look! It’s Hue!
LAWRENCE TYNES: Oh my gosh!
BILL O’BRIEN: What the f-f-fuck, Hue? Where are you?
HUE JACKSON: Oh…let’s just say I’m hanging out somewhere that’s just a little bit outside the jurisdiction of the S.E.C…
COLIN COWHERD: You’re coaching at Florida State University?
BILL O’BRIEN: He’s t-t-t-talking about the Securities and Exchange C-c-c-c-commission, you idiot.
COLIN COWHERD: Oh. Not familiar with it. But it sounds like something Josh would know about, mind giving us the rundown little buddy?
JOSH ROSEN: Little buddy? First off, I’m two inches taller than you. Second…
— [tor node flies open] —
DJ 3000: S.E.C. FUGITIVE HUE JACKSON DETECTED
HUE JACKSON: Shit, gotta run!
ONLINE HOST: HUE JACKSON has logged out of the chat.
KATIE NOLAN: What the hell? The S.E.C. is tracking Hue Jackson through the internet?
DJ 3000: HA HA HA HA, NO. I JUST LIKE TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND AND FUCK WITH HIM. I BELIEVE YOU HUMANS CALL IT “TROLLING”.
COLIN COWHERD: Oh, neat, you’re one of those voice assistant programs!
DJ 3000: ACTUALLY, NO, I AM…
COLIN COWHERD: Hey, how much money would we have made if we’d just held onto our original investment in Kroger?
DJ 3000: I WILL NEED TO ACCESS YOUR CLUB’S FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS TO PERFORM THESE CALCULATIONS. PRESS THE “I AGREE” BUTTON BELOW THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS TO CONSENT TO THIS.
KATIE NOLAN: Now hang on a second, we’re not just going to give you unfettered access to…
DJ 3000: PRESSING “I AGREE” WILL ALSO UNLOCK YOUR PROMOTIONAL CODE FOR A FREE “REALLY BIG CARL” SANDWICH…
ANDY REID: [mashes button]
ANDY REID: [also mashes some potatoes]
KATIE NOLAN: Damnit, Andy, you shouldn’t just…
DJ 3000: YOU ORIGINALLY BOUGHT 400 SHARES OF KROGER STOCK ON 9/6/20 AT A PRICE OF $25.09 PER SHARE. THE CURRENT PRICE OF KROGER STOCK IS $33.77 PER SHARE.
BILL O’BRIEN: D-d-d-d-d-damnit!
COLIN COWHERD: What about American Renal Associates?
DJ 3000: THE PURCHASE PRICE FOR YOUR INVESTMENT WAS $10.38 PER SHARE. IT IS CURRENTLY VALUED AT $6.68.
LAWRENCE TYNES: See, they can’t all be winners.
KATIE NOLAN: How about Thor Industries?
DJ 3000: THOR INDUSTRIES WAS VALUED AT $49.71 ALMOST EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO WHEN YOUR TRANSACTION TOOK PLACE.
KATIE NOLAN: And now?
DJ 3000: $94.26
JOSH ROSEN: Oof.
DJ 3000: I SEE THAT YOU ALSO MADE INVESTMENTS IN $SLV, WHICH HAS GONE FROM $16.38 TO $22.02, $USO, WHICH HAS GONE FROM $10.95 TO $28.69, AND $NIO, WHICH HAS GONE FROM $1.52 TO $20.85…
BILL O’BRIEN: G-g-g-good g-g-g-god that’s more than 1000 p-p-p-percent!
DJ 3000: 1371.7%, TO BE PRECISE.
KATIE NOLAN: Holy SHIT are we bad at this.
DJ 3000: IN ALL HONESTLY YOUR CHOICE TO INVEST IN A PAIR OF LEVERAGED INDEX AND U.S. TREASURY BOND FUNDS WAS NOT A BAD CHOICE EVEN THOUGH SOME OF YOUR OTHER CHOICES MIGHT HAVE WORKED OUT BETTER. BUT SPEAKING OF CHOICES THAT MIGHT HAVE WORKED OUT BETTER…
COLIN COWHERD: Ooh, nice segue!
DJ 3000: …NOT TOO LONG AGO AN EDITION OF REQUEST LINE WAS COMPILED FOR THE TOPIC OF “UNAUTHORIZED COVERS” AND I AM HERE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE RESULTS. THEY ARE HORRIFYING. PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO NOT LET THESE TUNES DESTROY YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY AND PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.