DFO Radio/Checking In: Unauthorized Covers/The Losers Investment Club

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A group of laptops are spread around a conference table, all facing each other.  An intraday chart showing both $UPRO and $TMF is displayed via a projector.  The sound of light snoring can be heard, though it is not clear which laptop it is emanating from. 

JOSH ROSEN: So…how long are we going to be keeping up with this “buy and hold” strategy of UPRO and TMF, anyhow?

BILL O’BRIEN: For however long it k-k-k-keeps p-p-p-paying off, Josh.  It’s up 23% since we made the move in January.  I’m sorry you find it dull.

JOSH ROSEN: It’s okay.  It’s just that I’ve been running the numbers and it feels like we’ve been playing things a little too safe.

— [seven proxies fly open] —

HUE JACKSON: So you’re looking to take a few gambles, eh?

KATIE NOLAN: Holy shit!  You’re still alive?

LAWRENCE TYNES: Of course I’m still alive, every time you jerks see a bunch of nurses run in here with a crash cart and administer a few CC’s of epinephrine you automatically assume that…

KATIE NOLAN: Lawrence, have you been paying attention?

LAWRENCE TYNES: Huh? Sorry, I had blacked out for a minute.

KATIE NOLAN: Look!  It’s Hue!

LAWRENCE TYNES: Oh my gosh!

BILL O’BRIEN: What the f-f-fuck, Hue?  Where are you?

HUE JACKSON: Oh…let’s just say I’m hanging out somewhere that’s just a little bit outside the jurisdiction of the S.E.C…

COLIN COWHERD: You’re coaching at Florida State University?

BILL O’BRIEN: He’s t-t-t-talking about the Securities and Exchange C-c-c-c-commission, you idiot.

COLIN COWHERD: Oh.  Not familiar with it.  But it sounds like something Josh would know about, mind giving us the rundown little buddy?

JOSH ROSEN: Little buddy? First off, I’m two inches taller than you.  Second…

— [tor node flies open] —

DJ 3000: S.E.C. FUGITIVE HUE JACKSON DETECTED

HUE JACKSON: Shit, gotta run!

ONLINE HOST: HUE JACKSON has logged out of the chat.

KATIE NOLAN: What the hell?  The S.E.C. is tracking Hue Jackson through the internet?

DJ 3000: HA HA HA HA, NO.  I JUST LIKE TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND AND FUCK WITH HIM.  I BELIEVE YOU HUMANS CALL IT “TROLLING”.

COLIN COWHERD: Oh, neat, you’re one of those voice assistant programs!

DJ 3000: ACTUALLY, NO, I AM…

COLIN COWHERD: Hey, how much money would we have made if we’d just held onto our original investment in Kroger?

DJ 3000: I WILL NEED TO ACCESS YOUR CLUB’S FINANCIAL ACCOUNTS TO PERFORM THESE CALCULATIONS.  PRESS THE “I AGREE” BUTTON BELOW THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS TO CONSENT TO THIS.

KATIE NOLAN: Now hang on a second, we’re not just going to give you unfettered access to…

DJ 3000: PRESSING “I AGREE” WILL ALSO UNLOCK YOUR PROMOTIONAL CODE FOR A FREE “REALLY BIG CARL” SANDWICH…

ANDY REID: [mashes button]

ANDY REID: [also mashes some potatoes]

KATIE NOLAN: Damnit, Andy, you shouldn’t just…

DJ 3000: YOU ORIGINALLY BOUGHT 400 SHARES OF KROGER STOCK ON 9/6/20 AT A PRICE OF $25.09 PER SHARE.  THE CURRENT PRICE OF KROGER STOCK IS $33.77 PER SHARE.

BILL O’BRIEN: D-d-d-d-d-damnit!

COLIN COWHERD: What about American Renal Associates?

DJ 3000: THE PURCHASE PRICE FOR YOUR INVESTMENT WAS $10.38 PER SHARE.  IT IS CURRENTLY VALUED AT $6.68.

LAWRENCE TYNES: See, they can’t all be winners.

KATIE NOLAN: How about Thor Industries?

DJ 3000: THOR INDUSTRIES WAS VALUED AT $49.71 ALMOST EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO WHEN YOUR TRANSACTION TOOK PLACE.

KATIE NOLAN: And now?

DJ 3000: $94.26

JOSH ROSEN: Oof.

DJ 3000: I SEE THAT YOU ALSO MADE INVESTMENTS IN $SLV, WHICH HAS GONE FROM $16.38 TO $22.02, $USO, WHICH HAS GONE FROM $10.95 TO $28.69, AND $NIO, WHICH HAS GONE FROM $1.52 TO $20.85…

BILL O’BRIEN: G-g-g-good g-g-g-god that’s more than 1000 p-p-p-percent!

DJ 3000: 1371.7%, TO BE PRECISE.

KATIE NOLAN: Holy SHIT are we bad at this.

DJ 3000: IN ALL HONESTLY YOUR CHOICE TO INVEST IN A PAIR OF LEVERAGED INDEX AND U.S. TREASURY BOND FUNDS WAS NOT A BAD CHOICE EVEN THOUGH SOME OF YOUR OTHER CHOICES MIGHT HAVE WORKED OUT BETTER.  BUT SPEAKING OF CHOICES THAT MIGHT HAVE WORKED OUT BETTER…

COLIN COWHERD: Ooh, nice segue!

DJ 3000: …NOT TOO LONG AGO AN EDITION OF REQUEST LINE WAS COMPILED FOR THE TOPIC OF “UNAUTHORIZED COVERS” AND I AM HERE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE RESULTS. THEY ARE HORRIFYING. PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO NOT LET THESE TUNES DESTROY YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY AND PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.