So for those of you who read our Day One of The Bachelorette Season Finale post yesterday and got hooked enough to tune in last night, you are surely up to speed and very excited for tonight’s final episode of the finale. For those other readers who instead tuned in to watch Big Ben’s last Harf in the Jungle, let me catch you up.

As I mentioned, last night was Fantasy Suites (read: sex) week. Show opened with soft-ass Ivan having his date with Tayshia where they set a new world record for world’s longest coldest kiss.

Again, I want to point out that there is no excitement to this date. Sure, “I love kissing Ivan so much that I can do it from an ice bath for five and a half minutes!” is nice but is that what we’re going with? BUT THEN they were left alone in some trailer to bang and, I assume, they banged.

Then it was front-runner Zac the Addict’s turn. His date was like a couples body painting thing followed up by some sexy time in a real live suite, which Ivan really should have fought for considering they’re at a Waldorf Astoria property, not a Cruise America drop off location.

I fell asleep during the body painting thing but, according to the Mrs, Zac continued building his lead to upwards of 28-3 at this point as he got Tayshia to break one of the The Bachelorette’s cardinal rules: she told him she loved him! See, typically the bachelorette has to lean on euphemism about “seeing you as my husband” or “can see myself falling in love with you”. When Zac professed his love, Tayshia came right out and was like, “I know I’ve loved you too!”

Then is was Brendan’s turn for sloppy thirdsies. Getting his hands on his future wife with only a ragged hip and a slight concussion (I assume), Brendan was in a position to win over Tayshia’s heart…so long as his date didn’t involve riding a bike. So they meet up and Tayshia has set them up to meet with Neil Lane — of Neil Lane Diamond fame. Basically, it’s an engagement ring selection date but Brendan seems uncomfortable. Next thing you know, BAM!, he’s dumping her, citing an, “it’s not you, it’s me,” excuse, blaming his lack of recovery since his divorce. The internet, in case you were wondering, respected his decision.

So, no need for a rose ceremony if there’s only two guys left, right? WRONG! Ben shows up and tells Chris (the host) he needs to talk to Tayshia about how it all ended for them. Chris, of course, approves and Ben arrives at Tayshia’s room to express his love for her. Tayshia needs a minute. Then we get the promo for tonight:

Tayshia cries! She also kisses Ben, who is shown with a ring. Zac is sad (his SoCal connect probably got locked up). Tayshia’s parents are here and her dad is concerned. Very little mention of Ivan. It’s going to be absolutely fascinating to see how Tayshia’s journey ends.

And for those looking for alternate (non-The Bachelorette) viewing options:

Boca Raton Bowl – UCF vs BYU: The UCF and BYU football teams square off in the Boca Raton Bowl to see which squad will end up with bragging rights for being victorious in the 2020 Boca Raton Bowl. (ESPN)
NBA Basketball – Golden State Warriors at Brooklyn Nets: The Golden State Warriors basketball team visits the Brooklyn Nets basketball team to play a televised basketball game. (TNT)
Singing Competition Shows – The Voice: Another episode of The Voice airs on NBC. (NBC)
Tim Allen Marathons – Last Man Standing Marathon. (CMT)
Holiday Murder Mysteries –  Murder Under the Christmas Trees. (ID Channel)