Interior: Redskins Park. A dark shadowy figure lurks behind a desk, but not an ordinary desk. A dark, foreboding, and imposing desk that has been modified to be only 5/8 as large as a normal desk but with 175% of the arrogance. A small but shadowy figure is perched behind it, not sitting, because that would signal weakness. No, this figure is at the cutting edge of the standing desk trade, despite the fact that his desk is of the traditional sort, not to mention lilliputian in size. Thankfully, he has excellent sneakers to support him while he does his work, which is interrupted by a knock at the door.
/Door meekly creeps open
“You wanted to see me, sir?”
“I’m assuming this is about my wife’s twitter account. I’m sorry if that was a distraction. Of course, I had no idea she thought that way, let alone that she would take to the internet to disparage a reporter. But I don’t want to take away from what we’re building here, so please, I beg your forgiveness.”
:Figure tries to rise to show strength, realizes he’s already standing, so he leans forward on his Skechers Shape Ups to get the extra inch:
“Apologize? How dare you apologize. This is all going exactly as I planned.”
“Sir? I don’t understand.”
“Do you think it’s an accident this story came the same week as our masterful handling of the Kirk Cousins promotion? I could feel the limelight being drawn away from our headquarters, and that cannot be permitted. Our franchise may not have won a playoff game since 2005, but I will NOT tolerate a single day where people are not talking about us and the total control I exert over our direction as a team. No one has seemed to care about our nickname in months. That’s why I dropped a dime on that shyster sandwich salesman to send a message to his fellow pitchman that no one was safe. That’s why I hired the lesser Gruden despite his illiteracy. That’s why I refuse to let the state of Maryland improve pedestrian or driver access to our stadium. That’s why I plan to resume selling discount mattresses at a premium price from our parking lots. And that’s why I ensnared your wife in my brilliant scheme to draw out ESPN for not covering us enough this year. Other men, lesser men, would only want to misogynistically accuse female reporters of trading fellatio for access if it was true, or if they had tried to score with them and failed. What was I saying again? Fortunately, your wife saw that it was for the good of the team to throw another tire onto the dumpster fire. So everyone knows that a genius is at the helm of this good ship. And that genius is me. The only question is, have I done enough to be in the running to replace my hero, Roger Goodell? Now get the fuck out of my lair and keep bringing me news!”