There’s Something Rotten in Ashburn

Sometimes I wonder if selling your soul is worth it

Interior: Redskins Park. A dark shadowy figure lurks behind a desk, but not an ordinary desk. A dark, foreboding, and imposing desk that has been modified to be only 5/8 as large as a normal desk but with 175% of the arrogance.  A small but shadowy figure is perched behind it, not sitting, because that would signal weakness.  No, this figure is at the cutting edge of the standing desk trade, despite the fact that his desk is of the traditional sort, not to mention lilliputian in size. Thankfully, he has excellent sneakers to support him while he does his work, which is interrupted by a knock at the door.

/Door meekly creeps open

Oozes competence, right?


“You wanted to see me, sir?”

:Silent nod:

“I’m assuming this is about my wife’s twitter account. I’m sorry if that was a distraction. Of course, I had no idea she thought that way, let alone that she would take to the internet to disparage a reporter. But I don’t want to take away from what we’re building here, so please, I beg your forgiveness.”

:Figure tries to rise to show strength, realizes he’s already standing, so he leans forward on his Skechers Shape Ups to get the extra inch:

“Apologize? How dare you apologize. This is all going exactly as I planned.”

“Sir? I don’t understand.”

“Do you think it’s an accident this story came the same week as our masterful handling of the Kirk Cousins promotion? I could feel the limelight being drawn away from our headquarters, and that cannot be permitted.  Our franchise may not have won a playoff game since 2005, but I will NOT tolerate a single day where people are not talking about us and the total control I exert over our direction as a team. No one has seemed to care about our nickname in months. That’s why I dropped a dime on that shyster sandwich salesman to send a message to his fellow pitchman that no one was safe. That’s why I hired the lesser Gruden despite his illiteracy. That’s why I refuse to let the state of Maryland improve pedestrian or driver access to our stadium. That’s why I plan to resume selling discount mattresses at a premium price from our parking lots. And that’s why I ensnared your wife in my brilliant scheme to draw out ESPN for not covering us enough this year. Other men, lesser men, would only want to misogynistically accuse female reporters of trading fellatio for access if it was true, or if they had tried to score with them and failed. What was I saying again? Fortunately, your wife saw that it was for the good of the team to throw another tire onto the dumpster fire. So everyone knows that a genius is at the helm of this good ship. And that genius is me. The only question is, have I done enough to be in the running to replace my hero, Roger Goodell? Now get the fuck out of my lair and keep bringing me news!”

Your next kommissioner?


Latest posts by BrettFavresColonoscopy (see all)
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
Please Login to comment
8 Comment threads
6 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
9 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfurySonOfSpamSill BimmonsEnrico Pallazzo Recent comment authors
Notify of
2018 NFL Free Agent Round-Up – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] one overpays for defensive linemen like Dan Snyder.  [REDACTEDs] sign […]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh


If I saw Dan Snyder right now, I’d only punch him ONCE. That’s how happy I am.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Red Zone is free for everyone tonight!

Enrico Pallazzo

Tony Wyllie is a very underrated disaster person. He is the perfect Washington Pigdick.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I imagined the whole Snyder monologue as if it were uttered by Rick Moranis playing Dark Helmet in Spaceballs.


I will now forever have this in my brain.


Nine posts in one day? Soon to be ten when the last preseason open thread goes up? Every single one of them relevant and timely?


Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Some of the early ones feel bad now. They are lonely and sad.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

America needs it’s ‘news’.


#content #upforwhatever #unlessitsaRikkipost #fuckthatguy #justkidding #sorry #notsorry #seriouslyImsorry #not #notsorry