Banner image via Kingman County News
Folks we are less than two weeks from the start of Free Agency, and while the NFL doesn’t have a “hot stove”, it most certainly has a hot cauldron of lust. Or something.
Errybody‘s got lists of top NFL free agents, but as our own yeahright has already demonstrated, none of those people know shit. The real experts are here, sitting in the DFO clubhouse with no pants on, getting black out drunk, and mining #content for you to have posts on which to make dick jokes.
But we’re not even going to poll those insiders for this post. No, that would be too easy. I had a vision. A man appeared on a flaming pie and said “don’t burn your mouth by eating foods that are on fire.” And that made sense. So I sat down and let the pie cool, chased off the man using pastries as transport, and then wrote down where the key free agents would land based on pie-fueled insight. And now I share that insight with you. In a Free Agent Round Up!
I’m anchoring on SB Nation’s list, largely because they’re not dumb enough to think Kirk Cousins is more valuable than Le’Veon Bell. Oh, and you’ll note that not unlike ranking Bears, I’m taking creative license to skip around, leaving holes in this list. I shall call them pieholes. Shut up. INSIGHT A-COMING!
NFL FREE AGENTS AND TRADE TARGETS WHERE WILL THEY GO WILL THEY GO PLACES LET’S FIND OUT
| No. | Player | Position | 2017 team | 2018 team |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Le’Veon Bell | RB | Steelers | THE BEN NEED HIS BEST TEAMMATE SO THE BAD GUYS DON’T GANG UP ON HIM LIKE A CHICK IN A BAR RESTROOM |
| 2 | Demarcus Lawrence | DE | Cowboys | WOOO-HOOO I AM FUCKING PAYING THIS GUY MORE MONEY THAN A SAIGON WHORE WHO DOESN’T BITE OFF NOSES |
| 3 | Drew Brees | QB | Saints | Lo, He shall sacrifice his salary in order to suffer another season toiling in despair aka New Orleans |
| 4 | Andrew Norwell | OG | Panthers | Who knows, maybe Cincinnati if Mike Brown can find his wallet? |
| 5 | Kirk Cousins | QB | Washington | SKOL! |
| 6 | Jarvis Landry | WR | Dolphins | Ooooh, franchise tagged, so not going anywhere. Unless he is. Because LOLfins. |
| 7 | Ezekiel Ansah | DE | Lions | Bible camp flag football team. Because that’s not a real name. Ezekial Ansah? No, sir. |
| 8 | Lamarcus Joyner | S | Rams | RAMMIT! Because the best way to convince someone to re-sign with the home team is to threaten them with Cleveland. |
| 9 | Dion Lewis | RB | Patriots | Zero chance he stays with the Pats. No hometown discount, so no deal for a veteran RB. I say he goes to SF just to keep fucking with TB12. |
| 10 | Jimmy Graham | TE | Seahawks | He gone, too. I’ll say Baltimore to continue the legacy of signing dominant TEs when they’re old. |
| 11 | Star Lotulelei | DT | Panthers | I take back everything I said about Ezekial Ansah. |
| 12 | E.J. Gaines | CB | Bills | In a case of mistaken identity, the Bills think they’re parting ways with E.J Manuel. Hilariously, that’s also why the Browns will sign him. |
| 13 | Nate Solder | OT | Patriots | If there’s one area the Pats have been willing to pay for, it’s the O-Line. Except when they haven’t. More importantly, Solder already lost a nut, so he’s not that big a threat to the owner’s incremental parental obligations. |
| 14 | Trumaine Johnson | CB | Rams | If I’m wrong about Joyner, then Johnson stays in say he ends up in Chicago shoring up the Bears’ secondary. |
| 15 | Allen Robinson | WR | Jaguars | The Bears are also rumored to be targeting Robinson. I think it’s more likely they land Paul Richardson, and I think the Jags re-sign Robinson to give the Bort some continuity. |
| 16 | Sheldon Richardson | DT | Seahawks | No one overpays for defensive linemen like Dan Snyder. [REDACTEDs] sign him. |
| 17 | Case Keenum | QB | Vikings | Oh, man, I for sure thought he was coming back to hotdish country, but now I think he is rife for the picking with the very public courting of retire to Arizona, but let’s say he goes to the Cardinals. Just to piss off Blax. |
| 18 | Sammy Watkins | WR | Rams | I think the Rams would love to keep him but end up letting him walk. Maybe they end up slapping the franchise tag on him, but I’ll baselessly speculate that he ends up in Detroit helping Matt Patricia waste Fat Stafford’s remaining prime years. |
| 19 | AJ McCarron | QB | Bengals | Remember when the Browns fucked up trading for McCarron? So Brownsy. Also Brownsy? Overpaying for that same player they failed to land a few months ago. So let it be written, so let it be done. |
| 20 | Trey Burton | TE | Eagles | The Eagles may need to pay to keep Wentz and Foles on the roster, but they’re not going to overpay for the other guy that threw a TD pass in their SB LII win? Massholes think he’s going to NE, but I don’t think Gronk is retiring yet nor wants a non-murdery platoon partner. I say Shad Khan opens up his wallet trying to give Bortles the tools to get over the hump. Burton to the JAGURAS! |
| 21 | Avery Williamson | LB | Titans | Ohmygodthislistissolongidontwantogoogleallthesepeople |
| 22 | Demario Davis | LB | Jets | Fuck it, skipping ahead to the fun ones… |
| 23 | Adrian Clayborn | DE | Falcons | |
| 24 | Aaron Colvin | CB | Jaguars | |
| 25 | Bashaud Breeland | CB | Washington | |
| 26 | Sam Bradford | QB | Vikings | Denver? Cleveland? Who wants to overpay for 3-7 games of Sam Bradford? Step right up! |
| 27 | Tyvon Branch | S | Cardinals | |
| 28 | Rashaan Melvin | CB | Colts | |
| 29 | Kyle Fuller | CB | Bears | GO BEARS! Kyle Fuller had a baller year. The Bears still need help in the secondary. So I think they fuck it up, let him walk, and then they overpay for others. Fuller then ends up in Oakland. He deserves happiness. |
| 30 | NaVorro Bowman | LB | Raiders | He’s still in the league? I thought he retired with the rest of the Niners linebackers a few years ago. |
| 31 | Weston Richburg | C | Giants | |
| 32 | Patrick Robinson | CB | Eagles | |
| 33 | Alex Okafor | DE | Saints | New Orleans |
| 34 | Teddy Bridgewater | QB | Vikings | This man also deserves happiness. But he won’t get it. So he’ll probably end up stuck in Minnesota backing up Kirk Cousins and then being used as trade bait. |
| 35 | Morgan Burnett | S | Packers | |
| 36 | Tyler Eifert | TE | Bengals | Still funny-ish. |
| 37 | Eric Reid | S | 49ers | |
| 38 | Dontari Poe | DT | Falcons | |
| 39 | Ryan Jensen | C | Ravens | |
| 40 | Paul Richardson | WR | Seahawks | Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears. |
| 41 | Nigel Bradham | LB | Eagles | |
| 42 | Zach Brown | LB | Washington | Next stop: Houston |
| 43 | Malcolm Butler | CB | Patriots | Obviously zero chance he’s back in New England. Let’s go with the Saints since they need some bolstering |
| 44 | Bennie Logan | DT | Chiefs | |
| 45 | Justin Pugh | OG | Giants | |
| 46 | Nickell Robey-Coleman | CB | Rams | |
| 47 | David Irving | DT | Cowboys | |
| 48 | Carlos Hyde | RB | 49ers | NOT ON MY FANTASY TEAM AFTER THE WAY HE’S FUCKED ME THE LAST FEW YEARS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH |
| 49 | Anthony Hitchens | LB | Cowboys | |
| 50 | Austin Seferian-Jenkins | TE | Jets | |
| 51 | Josh Gordon | WR | Browns | Got royally fucked, is staying in Cleveland. |
| 52 | Marqise Lee | WR | Jaguars | Speaking of, there are rumors he’s going to Cleveland, which is worse than digging up your dead brother. |
| 53 | Josh Kline | OG | Titans | |
| 54 | Cameron Brate | TE | Buccaneers | |
| 55 | Terrelle Pryor | WR | Washington | Think he’d go back to Cleveland, too? BAHAHAHHAAHA |
| 56 | Tre Boston | S | Chargers | |
| 57 | Jerick McKinnon | RB | Vikings | |
| 58 | Kenny Vaccaro | S | Saints | |
| 59 | Morris Claiborne | CB | Jets | |
| 60 | Danny Amendola | WR | Patriots | |
| 61 | Jack Mewhort | OG | Colts | |
| 62 | Jordan Matthews | WR | Bills | |
| 63 | Tahir Whitehead | LB | Lions | |
| 64 | Justin Bethel | CB | Cardinals | |
| 65 | Mike Wallace | WR | Ravens | |
| 66 | Shaquil Barrett | DE | Broncos | |
| 67 | Vontae Davis | CB | Free agent | Already signed with the Bills. So you know he makes bad choices. |
| 68 | Prince Amukamara | CB | Bears | Please don’t come back to the Bears. Please don’t come back to the Bears. Please don’t come back to the Bears. Please don’t come back to the Bears. |
| 69 | Haloti Ngata | DT | Lions | How much room is left in Dan Snyder’s budget for fat assholes? |
| 70 | Steven Terrell | S | Chiefs | |
| 71 | Josh Sitton | OG | Bears | Smart move is for the Bears to re-sign him to an incentive-laden deal. So he’ll end up in Detroit. |
| 72 | Rex Burkhead | RB | Patriots | Wherever he ends up, he deserves to be feted as a hero. |
| 73 | Josh McCown | QB | Jets | |
| 74 | Ricardo Allen | S | Falcons | |
| 75 | DaQuan Jones | DT | Titans | |
| 76 | Geno Smith | QB | Giants | Off the edge of the earth. |
| 77 | Brent Grimes | CB | Buccaneers | |
| 78 | Aaron Lynch | DE | 49ers | |
| 79 | LeGarrette Blount | RB | Eagles | |
| 80 | Donte Moncrief | WR | Colts | |
| 81 | Tramon Williams | CB | Cardinals | |
| 82 | Connor Barwin | LB | Rams | |
| 83 | Dion Jordan | DE | Seahawks | |
| 84 | Matt Paradis | C | Broncos | |
| 85 | Chris Baker | DT | Buccaneers | |
| 86 | Eric Decker | WR | Titans | Probably just re-signs in Tennessee because it’s unclear they actually want to win. Sorry, DonT. |
| 87 | Junior Galette | DE | Washington | |
| 88 | Zach Line | FB | Saints | |
| 89 | Frank Gore | RB | Colts | Looks like someone is… /puts on sunglasses …getting off the gravy train YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHGore in Baltimore sounds about right. And not just when Rays Rice and Lewis are around. :rimshot: |
| 90 | Kony Ealy | DE | Jets | |
| 91 | Lamarr Houston | LB | Bears | |
| 92 | Chris Hubbard | OT | Steelers | |
| 93 | Brian Cushing | LB | Texans | If there’s a guy who is a perfect for the TB12 “health program,” it’s this fucking guy |
| 94 | Julius Peppers | DE | Panthers | HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE MAN YO-YO BETWEEN TEAMS? Let’s say he ends up back in Green Bay for shits and giggles |
| 95 | Doug Martin | RB | Buccaneers | Cleveland. Can’t get any lower than that, my man. |
| 96 | Isaiah Crowell | RB | Browns | |
| 97 | Wesley Johnson | C | Jets | |
| 98 | Trent Murphy | DE | Washington | |
| 99 | Tavon Wilson | S | Lions | |
| 100 | Orleans Darkwa | RB | Giants |
Aaaaaand I’m spent. Feel free to share actual insight in the comments, but from this post alone, I am now more qualified than Mike Brown to make NFL personnel decisions. GET TO THE GAMES MORE QUICKLY, FOOLS!
A few of these would look good in the Donks uniforms, but alas…….
Nate may have lost a nut, but I just busted one.
Offensive players I’d like to see in a better situation:
20) Allen Robinson
50) ASJ
51) Josh Gordon
57) Jerick McKinnon
80) Donte Moncrief
especially like that McKinnon shout. He could be a star in the right place.
Good work on this. I really hope the Browns get a McCarron/McCown QB timeshare. That, and for Jared Kushner to share a cell with Jared Fogle. SYNERGY.
Kushner is proper fucked now:
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/mueller-team-asking-if-kushner-foreign-business-ties-influenced-trump-n852681
What the fuck is a Chris Hubbard?
Fuck, I hope you are right on QBs, up to Teddy Ballgame, I want him in Donks’ mango and orange. Not sexually.
/ok, maybe a little bit sexually
This was also very informative whilst also being entertaining and hilarious. Two thumbs up!
Glad your bookies have let you keep both your thumbs so far.
Good thing you added the qualifier. I’ll be Commenting with my nose if Rhode Island cocks it up tonight.